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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd? I'm feeling very torn!

19 replies

user1498596172 · 25/07/2017 22:14

So I answered an advert for a temporary babysitter job. Got chatting to the girl requesting it and it's turned out to be a very complex situation and I don't know how/if I should deal with it.
Basically it turns out she needs an urgent babysitter for her 15 day old baby. She's trying to bring back her children from abroad, as she had to escape from an abusive household but wasn't able to bring them straight away, and they were essentially held by the grandparents. Her current husband is also abusive, and won't look after the baby while she's gone (hence why she was urgently after a sitter). She has a social worker involved who knows she plans to go back for the older kids bu5 I doubt she knows the arrangements she's trying to make. I advised her on appropriate places to reach out too, including the women's refuge and social care for temporary fostering for the baby and she seems to have taken it on board, so I'm sure once the social worker becomes aware more appropriate care will become available.
My issue Is, she seems incredibly lonely and vulnerable. My first thought was to befriend her, invite her for coffee with our children, go to parks ect, but given her cultural background and the abuse she's sustained is it something i want to get involved with? I'm sorry if I come across as selfish, or self involved, or even cold as I desperately want to help her even if it's just a listening ear and friendship, I'm just not sure whether, frankly, if it's safe.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
ZippyCameBack · 25/07/2017 22:16

I couldn't forget about her situation once I knew. I'd have to do whatever I could to help.

DeadGood · 25/07/2017 22:18

I wonder if you can work in conjunction with the services you have recommended? It sounds like it could be very useful for her to have continuity at what must be a very scary time for her. Do you fear for your own safety?

DesignedForLife · 25/07/2017 22:19

It's not going to hurt to invite her for coffee/trips to the park. Having young kids can be terribly lonely at the best of times.

Original poster
user1498596172 · 25/07/2017 22:22

I think it's more the unknown I fear. I think she's opened up to me because she needs the friendship, but I don't know her so i don't really know how serious the situation is. It must be incredibly scary for her, but I don't know what I would be getting myself into.
In regards to working with the appropriate services I plan to. My mother in law works with social services so I'm going to speak to her about it all

OP posts:
traviata · 25/07/2017 22:28

You sound like a lovely kind person. What do you fear? What might the risk be to you?

She probably needs all the help she can get, including quite simple things like making phone calls or looking things up on the internet, especially if her current husband is (also) abusive.

has she been in touch with Reunite?

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 25/07/2017 22:31

I would help her.

DeadGood · 25/07/2017 22:33

It sounds like an opportunity to me - one to make a difference to a person, in real life, in real time.
So often when we hear about tragedies in the media, we wish we could do more to help. Charitable causes get inundated with "stuff" and offers of assistance; eventually they get overwhelmed and say "please, we just need money."
But people want to do more than just give cash - they want to make a real difference.
I know I am allowing my own feelings into this, but to me, this sounds like one of those rare times that one person could actually make a difference in another person's life.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

FastWindow · 25/07/2017 22:34

It sounds incredibly dangerous for you. Is the abusive husband living where you will be working? And a 15 day old baby? Needs its mother. In all ways. I'd help, but in a non employment way.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 25/07/2017 22:38

Id help her, but I wouldn't get too involved. Point her in the direction of support, but don't get too personal.

traviata · 25/07/2017 22:38

Fastwindow do you mean it would be dangerous for the OP if she moved into their home, like an au pair? That wasn't what I thought she was planning to do.

FastWindow · 25/07/2017 22:45

Dangerous situation full stop. I didn't get a sense of au pairing from the op, but if the mum is needing to extract children (from abroad?) then there is going to be a time when op will be super vulnerable herself, looking after an even more defenceless baby.

Original poster
user1498596172 · 25/07/2017 23:00

She did want me to move in. The hours she wanted was 1pm-1am and said I could live there while she was away. I declined, but my curiosity got the better of me and that's how I started talking to her in depth about the situation.

OP posts:
traviata · 25/07/2017 23:02

I don't really get why you think OP would become so vulnerable. Who would she be at risk from?

As I understand the OP, the mum has a new relationship and baby with new man. New dad is not helpful and won't look after the baby, so Mum is trying to find someone else to care for baby, while she goes back to a country where she used to live, where her ex inlaws have held onto her older kids.

What danger do you think there is in that for the OP? The biggest risk might be that the mum can't come back when she said she would...

I thought OP was more concerned about the emotional difficulty of supporting someone with such a big problem to deal with.

Original poster
user1498596172 · 25/07/2017 23:02

The sense of vulnerability came from the fact she seems to have taken the opportunity to open up to heart, and in the short time we've spoken I've learned alot about the scary situation she's in. She hasn't outright said it, but to me but it sounds like she feared for her life when she escaped to the UK.

OP posts:
traviata · 25/07/2017 23:03

yes OP as you say, you declined and talked to her about foster care for the baby. That's why I don't see you being in any danger. It's a different matter whether you are able to support her. I very much hope that you do.

traviata · 25/07/2017 23:07

To make it clear, it's obvious that the mum is very vulnerable and sounds scared. She's the one in danger, not the OP.

FastWindow · 25/07/2017 23:20

Traviata, the op clearly states the new husband is abusive, not 'unhelpful'.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2017 23:20

This sounds very sketchy and potentially dangerous. I admire your wanting to help, but the fact is you know nothing about this person aside from what she's told you. That doesn't make her story true.

RB68 · 25/07/2017 23:42

I admire you for wanting to help but would caution you to not get over involved. WIth abusive people there is risk to yourself and your family if you are seen as involved.

Signpost her to other services, go and hand hold in meetings, do not take responsibility for her. She is vulnerable but needs professional help and support is good in form of chat, coffee time out but do beware with own family and friends and life not to get over involved

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