AIBU to be annoyed at a last minute cancellation, even though the event was cancelled?

[bridgetmoanz]

I've recently been feeling some distance between SIL & I. We were by no means best friends, but she's made it clear she doesn't like our mutual group of friends (friends through our partners) and has removed herself from the group, stating she felt left out.

As an olive branch, I invited her to a meal to try and mend bridges. She didn't confirm immediately, saying she would let me know.

The day/time of the meal, she messaged me to say she wouldn't make it (no excuse given).

The meal was rearranged a few days prior, but as I had a feeling she had no intentions of coming I wanted to see when she eventually would get back to me.

I don't know what I should do - do I keep trying to integrate her, or leave her to do her own thing?

I think leave it to her now. Don't offer any more olive branches - you've tried and it's down to her to try and mend things now.

Is she your BF's sister?

Is she going to find out about the rearranged meal? E.g. Someone posting pictures on fb? BecUse if she does it'll be another reason for her to be upset.

Thanks for the advice, our bfs are brothers

Jo - not sure if I should invite to the rearranged one, but there will probably be something put on social media

Ok

Surely you can't invite to the rearranged one without her knowing about this one?

TBH I can't see her getting upset that it's been rearranged when she wasn't coming anyway - she won't know when it was rearranged

Is the meal with the group she doesn't like?

If you both marry the brothers you will probably know her longer than any of these friends. You will want to be close at family gatherings and if children are born. Extend the olive branch again. You don't need to keep asking every time but def to the re-arranged one then gradually let her move on. Maybe the odd nice comment from you to her 'it's a shame we don't socialise as much any more' will mean you don't fall out overly over it all. Think about the long game

Yes it is with the group of friends she doesn't like.

Ahh that's true House4, thanks for that advice!

I don't understand why asking her to come out with you an a bunch of people she doesn't like is extending an olive branch.

Invite her and the 2 brothers out would be a nicer idea.

I would tell her the date has changed incase she genuinely couldn't make it. Then stop inviting her out with to things with people she doesn't get along with try something else where you may have common ground.

Text her and say that your rearranging the meal due to x y z, and as she couldn't come last time and your not sure she wants to join in you will leave it as her not wanting to attend, but should she decide to turn up she would be most welcome.

And on top of what "mummy" said, then suggest something different, without this group. Either just you and her or as a 4some.

I don't understand why asking her to come out with you an a bunch of people she doesn't like is extending an olive branch

Same here. I wouldn't see it as an olive branch but as a way of ignoring my feelings over the group of people. An olive branch is inviting her to a meal with people you both like. How about you, her, and your husbands?

Why do any of the group of friends have to be involved?

If she doesn't want to be friends with them that's ok, it doesn't mean you can't have a separate relationship with her.

Is it because she said she felt left out as a way to step back from the group?

So, um, you "extended an olive branch" by inviting her to a meal with people she doesn't like, then rearranging it without telling her? That actually sounds rather nastier than messaging to say she couldn't make it. What would you have done if she had turned up, to a meal that was no longer happening?

The reason she doesn't like the group was far as I'm aware) is because she was feeling left out and hadn't been included in a couple of things, so kind of wanted us all to get together to have a good time, then all move on.
I think the longer they all avoid each other the worse it gets & as all our partners are friends they will see each other quite often in group situations

So hang on a second, she's been feeling left out of this group, and to solve the problem you invite her to a meal and then it gets rearranged a few days prior to that and you don't let her know because you assume she was going to cancel?

Lucky for you that she did! What if she had turned up at the place for the meal and found nobody there? Would hardly have helped build bridges would it!

If this is an example of how the group as a whole have been treating her, I can see exactly why she's feeling upset and left out.

I think the longer they all avoid each other the worse it gets & as all our partners are friends they will see each other quite often in group situations

This isn't your decision to make. You don't get to force friends on people.

This seems to be about your convenience, not hers.

The meal was rearranged a few days prior, but as I had a feeling she had no intentions of coming I wanted to see when she eventually would get back to me.

You seem to be playing a rather strange game.