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AIBU?

Snidey friend

17 replies

tobuscus · 25/07/2017 00:07

I have a friend that I have known since high school and we are all in a group of friends that went to school together boys and girls. When we were at school this girl was very very lovely. As the years have gone on and she lost some puppy fat and gained some confidence she has become quite different.

She is quite confrontational and judgemental and she says really offensive sometimes hurtful things.

When one of our friends had recently had a baby and attended a birthday party she commented to her afterwards that she was "massive" at the party. She has no children of her own but she constantly judges other people for the way they parent and she also butts in and chastises people's children.

She has made many derogatory comments in the past about items of clothing, the cleanliness of peoples houses etc.

I have become sensitive to this over the last few years and feel on edge sometimes when I am around her. Last time we met up she made a very derogatory comment about my phone being shit.

I am in a very happy marriage with children where she has been bankrupt and lives with her parents.

I don't know why she feels the need to do this and I'm not sure how to react when she says these things. A few times I have called her out and she has pretended it was a joke and made me look like the idiot.

AIBU next time she does this to just tell her to fuck off or just stop speaking to her completely?

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 25/07/2017 00:09

Unless she is bringing joy to your life there is no need for her to be in it imo. . .

theonememory · 25/07/2017 00:10

She doesn't sound like a happy woman, but that's not your fault or problem.

TurnipCake · 25/07/2017 00:13

She sounds miserable and not much of a friend. I'd slowly withdraw

tobuscus · 25/07/2017 00:15

It's a bit tricky because of the group dynamic, night out/ meet ups plus we are regularly bridesmaids for each other in the group so I will need to still see her in social situations

OP posts:
SpecialDelivery22 · 25/07/2017 00:29

You already know the answer to this.
She is far from happy.
Not your problem though...keep a wide berth but be there if she wants to be honest enough to sort her shit out.

gandalf456 · 25/07/2017 00:38

Maybe turn the tables? If she calls you out, say, well, that's what you do to me..

gandalf456 · 25/07/2017 00:39

I would also confront her over the joking excuse. Oldest trick in the book and not very clever

Teutonic · 25/07/2017 00:49

Just think ah shut up you pillock and let it go straight over your head.

user1482443190 · 25/07/2017 00:56

I an experiencing something similar with an old friend (although she's changed since she's got together with her bloke). Everytime she's make a rude comment, lots of our conversations are by text since she's moved away, I just don't reply. A bit like having a toddler and only praising / reacting to good behaviour! I didn't mean to initially react that way, but I was so flabbergasted by some of her comments I used to think 'Ill reply once I calm down' and forget etc. But it's kind of working as a wimps way out of establishing some new boundaries. Ideally, I'd love to tell her to get stuffed, but we've know each other a long time and she was OK before she met her current bloke and we rarely have face to face chats now

Epipgab · 25/07/2017 01:08

I'd ask her directly what has changed to make her so critical of everyone. Does she realise she isn't coming across as edgy in an amusing way, but unkind? It sounds like she might not have that self-awareness, as who tries to deliberately drive their friends away?

Italiangreyhound · 25/07/2017 01:56

tobuscus

"I am in a very happy marriage with children where she has been bankrupt and lives with her parents."

"I don't know why she feels the need to do this..." I think you maybe do, you have just said it, you are happy and she is not.

You've got three choices, as far as I can see.
A) Confront her that you find her comments rude and unpleasant, this may well lead to a stand off between you and cause issues in your friendship. Although I would imagine your days of being each others bridesmaids will come to an end sometime I can see why you would not want to rock the boat.
B) Allow her to boss you and your friends around, make you feel shit and freely take her unpleasant comments.
C) Follow user1482443190 approach of praising the good and allowing yourself not to react to her mean comments.

I think, personally, I would try and find a fourth way, your own version of C!

For me this would involve praising the good, engaging with nice comments etc. BUT if she called me massive or my phone shit, I'd have to tell her to her face that I did not appreciate that comment and found it rude. If she began to defend her use of that type of word I would walk away from her.

I'd remove my children from her presence if she tried to tell them off and tell her that she was not to do that while removing them to another area where she was not.

I'd also not seek out her company, ask her opinion or engage with her. But if I saw her at social gatherings I would be ready for her to be her old self. She sounds very unhappy and I would want to be genuinely kind without putting up with her shit. This is not easy to do. Walking away may be easier. So it is really up to you.

But the only option I would not consider is B! Do not allow her to make rude comments about you to you or about your friends in your hearing, make it clear you won't be listening or engaging with that. Fewer words may make it easier, she cannot argue with herself.

mummmy2017 · 25/07/2017 07:19

Just say that's not nice to her.
If she says it's a joke just say well it's still not nice.
If she hears you constantly saying the same thing to her about her comments then it should make her realise that it's happening a lot.
Just keep to the same that;s not nice comment, as if you keep answering her with the same thing she is the one who has to justify her comments as you give her nothing to argue against.

tobuscus · 25/07/2017 13:59

Some good suggestions! Thank you.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 25/07/2017 14:03

People are usually harsh on others for inconsequential things when they are secretly very harsh on themselves. As a bankrupt living with her parents she does not have all the obvious marks of successful adulthood that you have, and she probably hates herself for that, and that inner critical voice turns into an outer critical voice to others.

Given the group dynamic, don't make a scene and just make less of an effort, see her less, and try to brush over and ignore her comments when you do see her. Each comment is a declaration of self hatred

comedycentral · 25/07/2017 14:06

It sounds like her life is pretty tough, I am not making excuses or anything. Sometimes depression can result in feelings of anger and resentment. You should talk to her.

tobuscus · 26/07/2017 23:45

Absolutely I completely agree and understand that she might feel that way. I've felt that way myself for many years before I met DH but she was like this back then, just not as bad. Sometimes I wonder if she maybe has a slight autism/ aspergers as when the odd time any thing has been discussed she seemed to think she had been being nice Confused

OP posts:
Bubba1234 · 27/07/2017 07:49

I wouldn't let her know your annoyed instead just look at it as she's probably feeling resentful you sort of pity would pity her in a way.
Just try & let it go over your head & if she's says something about your phone just say god your really materialistic aren't you. Why are you like that. Direct the insults back as a question trust me she will not know how to respond.

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