To not want to go away for the weekend when DD is small?

[Sangriasally86]

I'll try to keep the backstory as brief as possible. SIL lives up north (about a 4-5 hour drive from us) and we've driven there a number of times to visit her and her DCs for a long weekend, and we take MIL and DH's aunt with us as they live close to us. It normally costs in the region of £400 for us as a couple as we have to rent a cottage for 3/4 nights, plus fuel and eating out.

Our DD is due to be born in a couple of months, and MIL is already talking about taking a trip to see SIL before the end of the year. My issue with this is that I'll only be on SMP so money will be tight, and I don't really want to spend almost a months worth of pay on a weekend that if I'm being honest I don't particularly enjoy. I usually put up with it because DH likes to spend time with his nieces and nephews, but I normally spend the whole time sitting there playing on my phone (it's a really remote area, there's nothing to do, and generally it's just all the women sitting in the living room drinking tea and gossiping about other family members that I don't even know. DH tries his best to make it more enjoyable for me by making sure we have a bit of time on our own, but there's literally nothing around within a 45 minute drive so it's a struggle to find something interesting to do). Also, this time I'll have a small baby to consider and I just think it'll be really hectic and not relaxing in the slightest for me. And as there will be 5 of us, we'll need to hire a bigger car which will end up costing even more. I suppose my issue is that I begrudge spending so much money on a weekend that I don't enjoy when we haven't got the money, and I don't really like the idea of taking a 2-3 month old away as I'll still be adjusting to being a mum.

AIBU to say no to this until DD is a bit older? And also stop DH going without me (not that I really think he would) due to the financial situation? I just think if we're going to spend £400+ on a weekend away I'd rather do something just me, DH and DD as opportunities to have holidays/breaks together will be limited for us anyway. MIL is bound to kick off though, and DH can be a bit soft when it comes to MILs demands so I tend not to disagree with his decisions when it comes to her as I don't like him to be caught in the middle of us.

Also worth mentioning that MIL and her sister are elderly (late 70's/early 80's) and are very negative people, always moaning. So after spending 4 days with them I feel absolutely drained by their constant bitching!

Can you suggest that his sister come to yours for the weekend for a change with her children?
I can see where you are coming from I have a 3 month old and I too am I first time mum and recently I went to stay for a few nights/days at my parents who live 2.5 hours away from mine and DHs home and to be fair you just don't realise how much you need to take away with you just for a few nights 😂 car was loaded with travel cot bouncer pram babies clothes my clothes steamer for bottles nappies etc
Maybe you can just have a quiet word with your husband explain that maybe for a change it would be nice for his sister to come to you as there's more for her and DC to do where you live maybe even suggest you take them out for a nice meal as you'd both be saving money by not going so could perhaps do that

YANBU. At all. Things change when you have children. Speak to your DH about it now and make it clear to him that you won't be making the trip this year. Let him pass on that message to MIL

Dreams16 Thanks for your reply. I have suggested this multiple times to MIL but as SIL is a single parent on a low income she says she can't afford it (which I understand, but neither can we!).

I did ask if they wanted to come and visit us when we've had the baby (not to stay with us, as our flat is tiny) but to stay with MIL for a couple of days so she can meet her new niece, but SIL didn't seem interested at all. So I kinda feel like I don't want to put myself out to go 5 hours away to visit her when she won't even come to see her new baby niece.

YANBU at all. You are starting your own family now and won't be able to accommodate others to the same extent. Everyone is different but I know there is no way I would have wanted to be away from home when mine were little babies. I'd suggest you drop the trip completely this year. If that results in a huge barney I would suggest a plan B of: you DH takes his relatives himself, but they pay their share of costs and you invite a good friend/relative to stay with you the weekend he is away - someone who will be good company and help you with the baby.

Your welcome op I would just explain to your DH whilst your sil is also on low income so are you and you will want to relax in your own home with new baby adjusting to motherhood

If the Mil is that bothered then maybe she should foot the expense of her daughter coming to stay with her for a few days instead or just make her own way to her daughters it's 2017 not the dark ages there a plenty of transportation options these days

Don't feel bad just explain to your DH that you don't feel it would be best to travel with a newborn explain how much stuff you'd have to take with you and that along with extra people and their baggage is going to make for a very uncomfortable journey as well as longer as you'd need to allow for breaks to feed and change baby etc I'm sure he will want what's best for you and his DC more than a weekend trip that can be done another time

All the best for when your little one arrives trust me the minute they do you won't care what anyone else thinks it just becomes what's best for you as a family you won't really care or pay too much attention to those that may think yabu when your not

Do mil/aunt not contribute to the cottage hire? I wouldn't want to go either. Let mil kick off, your sil can come down for a change (andstay in a cottage or mil's, not yours!)

Hell no. SIL can come to you it works 2 ways. Baby and child seats take up a lot of space as does all the kit you need to travel with a baby so you would need to really big car to fit all 5 in - 7 seater probably. It is really hard work to travel with a little baby - just stay at home ( unless it is something you and DH really want to do)

We split the costs 3 ways (MIL/Aunt/Us) but it still works out very expensive. And I can think of a million things I'd rather spend £400 on! (I.e. A spa day for me! Or a family weekend away just the 3 of us!)

I just feel annoyed that MIL is thinking about what she wants to do (which is visit SIL) rather than me needing time as a new mum to get used to looking after a baby. Maybe when DD is 6 or 9 months old I'd reconsider, but it's a bit much asking me to travel with a tiny baby I think.

Sorry, accidentally posted under other account! Was trying to be anonymous by using separate account! Oops!

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YANBU by the way.

I just wouldn't make any commitments or declarations now. Before baby is born your mil will likely just see you as obstructive and your DH potentially not seeing the issue.

Just go with the mantra "we can't commit to anything yet, we'll see how things are in a few months."
Firstly you may find life in SMP not too bad, I was only on that and what with tax rebates etc the first few months weren't too bad.

But that's not the point, as others have said, the amount of stuff you have to pack is insane. Car seats, pushchair, potentially high chair, travel cot. All big items let alone clothes.
So you won't be able to fit MIL and aunt in, ask are they willing to pay for the substantially bigger car?

If you / when you go I'd be reducing the visits down to 1/2 nights. It's not that far that a 3/4 night trip is needed.

I would not have wanted to travel that far 3 months after giving birth....... no way

Tell him it will have to wait until next year...

You're right, MimiSunshine - I think MIL and DH would just think I was being awkward (particularly as DH knows I don't enjoy the weekend there anyway). Once the baby is born at least DH will see how much stuff a newborn needs and it's just not worth taking her away at that age. I'm just irritated that the situation is all about what other people want any no one is considering me in all this.

I'm the one that books the cottage online anyway (DH and MIL are useless at that kind of thing!), so I'll just remain non-committal and won't agree to book anything until I feel ready to anyway I think.

I wouldn't be making plans before she is born but you might feel you need a weekend away by two to three months in. Babies at that age are surprisingly easy to travel with and don't require much more than clothes, nappies and a travel cot and bottles if your bottle feeding. By 6-12 months they're much harder to travel with as you'll need somewhere to feed them and an array of toys etc.
How will it cost £400 for a weekend if you're driving and don't actually do anything while you're there? Doesn't everyone split the cost of petrol?
Is there a reason you need to plan now or could you just see how you feel closer to the time?

Welshrainbow - we have to rent a 3 bedroom cottage in quite an expensive area (somewhere it's common to have weekend breaks) so 3 or 4 nights ends up costing over £200 per room. Add in fuel and food for the whole weekend and it easily goes over the £400 mark. We do split the cost of everything but it still doesn't work out a cheap weekend.

MIL likes to have the next trip booked within a few weeks of the previous one (which was in may), and I've managed to hold her off for now due to being pregnant, but she still keeps saying in conversation "when we next go to SIL's in a couple of months".

And there's also the fact that a couple of months after giving birth it'll be Christmas, and I have quite a large family to buy presents for, so money will be even tighter at that time!

Grr MiLs, mines like this too. Think you need to get your OH to tell her to back off, I was thinking you'd be staying with family so could decide last minute. Thing is you just don't know how you'll be feeling at that point, some babies will be sleeping through it'll be breezy others could be a lot more difficult. If she's insisting on booking now I'd be be telling her no way, stand your ground she's being completely unreasonable and especially at that time of year too.

Maybe find somewhere cheaper? But don't presume you won't want to travel anywhere - I've got a 6 week old and am considering going camping in a week or two, because I fancy getting away. Some people feel they need to stay near home, and find getting out tricky others less so, we're all different and you might not know how you'll feel. Though the affordability another issue and don't be afraid to say no because of that.