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What would you do?

22 replies

mummmy2017 · 24/07/2017 15:04

DD who is back from Uni has spent ever summer before this at home never working, staying in bed till goodness knows when. It annoys me more than I can say, she never does anything unless I make her.
She got a job in a pub worked 24 hours 1st week, 19 the 2nd, 12 the 3rd and now has had 2 weeks no work, been out the house once, every time I ask her to call and find out what is happening she disappears. She needs some money to go back to UNI.
I just called as so feed up to ask if she still has a job, was told no idea, they think so, but call the manager on Wednesday...

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 24/07/2017 15:24

do you want her to be a child or an adult? if the latter, dont phone her place of work to check up on her.

tell her to work more hours or she isnt going to have enough money.

she sounds like she is very unhappy and hates being at home - is there anything you can do (like be sympathetic) to make her life with you less unbearable?


CoughLaughFart · 24/07/2017 15:29

I'm not surprised she's avoiding talking to you about it to be honest.


KinkyAfro · 24/07/2017 15:34

Bit over the top responses there


ZoeWashburne · 24/07/2017 15:47

Holy helicopter parenting! You called your adult daughter's place of employment to check the terms of her work?

I'd me mortified if I was your DD. Not surprised she is pulling back from this relationship.


mummmy2017 · 24/07/2017 19:31

No she is happy at home, just when I ask her what her hours are, she says they didn't Put her on the rota.

She really is one of those people who dislike confrontation, she admits she wants to work more hours, but tends to tell me she has done something, but really hasn't done it.
Last year she told me she had a bank account for Uni and then on the Friday before she went she admitted she had only sorted it 4 days before hand and the bank when I finally forced her to call them as she still had no card said it would take 2 weeks to process and I had to give her my savings card so she had access to funds....

OP posts:

Armadillostoes · 24/07/2017 19:41

YABVU-leave her alone. Why are you interfering in the life of an adult to this extent? It is really unhealthy for you both!


mummmy2017 · 24/07/2017 19:49

So what do I do when she goes back again to UNI and is broke the 1st 2 weeks before her grant comes in?
It's not a case of I can hand her £200 to tide her over, I really am on a tight budget, and am scared.

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Armadillostoes · 24/07/2017 20:50

Maybe warn her once now, and they allow her to sort out the mess if she fails to listen?


Armadillostoes · 24/07/2017 20:51

Sorry, and then rather than they!


RiverTam · 24/07/2017 20:57

On the first day of every summer holiday my dad would go down the road to buy the paper, as he always did, and come back telling me what shop wanted some summer help. He worked at home so he probably didn't want me and my deafening music in the house all day. I must say it would never have occurred to me to say no, they were bankrolling me!


19lottie82 · 24/07/2017 21:00

If she goes back to uni skint, that's her own fault and she will cope, she will have to. She's not a baby anymore. Seriously...... take a step back and relax.


lavendergardenmint · 24/07/2017 21:02

Could she be low about something? Not leaving the house doesnt sound right.


mummmy2017 · 24/07/2017 21:11

She just can't be arsed, she has always taken the easy option.
I hoped Uni would mean she went out more, I stopped calling her and just let her alone, as like everyone says she needed to grow up.

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Originalfoogirl · 24/07/2017 23:12

If she always takes the easy option, it's because she has always been given the easy option.

Tell her you can't bail her out if she has no money and that she would do well to go looking for another job which will give her enough money to see her through. If you are always there to stop her hitting the floor, she will do nothing to prevent herself from falling.


mummmy2017 · 26/07/2017 07:45

You can't have it both ways, either I am too hard on her or too soft.

I have only asked her once this week if she has enough cash to go back in Sept, she said no. Left her alone since this comments, and she is happily doing her own thing.
She won't find out if she is still working, not commented on this to her as I know she will stand with tears in her eyes, and walk away.
How do I help her, Your saying it's not my job to do this, but as her mother I am worried. She knows I won't have any money she can borrow in Sept, as I will just have paid all the household bills for the month.

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 26/07/2017 08:39

Sit down with her, make her a cup of tea, and say you need to talk about things.

Tell her that you are worried about September, and you're sure she is too. You know that she's made a good start with her job, but it looks like they're not giving her more hours (this is how ds lost his first job, they just stopped giving him hours and when asked kept saying he was on the books). Be sympathetic. Be kind. Keep your cool even if she is making excuses, just listen and then say "ok, so now we need a plan". Ask her what she needs from you. Offer to help with CVs or driving around to ask in places.

She needs to find a new job.

I know other people may say she's an adult, but adults need to be taught how to find and keep a job too.

The plan is to be on her side, not the grown up telling her what to do, but the adult who can help her get to where she needs to be.

My ds gets very defensive when he feels he's failing. He can assume I'm judging when I offer solutions. It's important I listen to him, and that the solutions come from him, not just me telling him what to do.

Maybe do all this in a cafe with cake to change the scene and stop her from just walking away.

This isn't about nagging or doing it for her, or judging her past behaviour. Start things with a clean slate.

She can do this, you believe in her and know she wants to work, how can you help that happen?

Don't call her work again, it makes her look terrible and will put off her employers from giving her work. Support her by giving her the tools to do these things herself.


MaisyPops · 26/07/2017 08:42

I agree with fucckyouchris.

You need to have a conversation adult to adult but with that element of concerned parent.

Ultimately, she is an adult and she needs to see consequences for her actions. If you can't financially assist until the grant comes in then that's the situation. She has to decide what to do about it.


mummmy2017 · 02/08/2017 18:23

Adult DD has not been out the house once this week,
Not depressed, just can't be bothered.
Planing her time when she goes back to UNI , such as shame she hasn't got a penny to spend till her Student Loan arrived, but I left it too it like you all told me too.

OP posts:

Armadillostoes · 02/08/2017 18:35

Hi OP-did you have an adult heart to heart with her though? That was/is important. Just leaving her to it without warning her first would be cruel, but if she has been warned then fair play. Adult decisions and adult consequences.


mummmy2017 · 03/08/2017 17:02

I had a really good chat with her, asked her how she was going to pay, and she teared up and said she was going to do it, 7 days nothing,,,,

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Notevilstepmother · 03/08/2017 17:11

What exactly did she agree to do? Maybe you need to break it down for her, write her a list of what you expect from her step by step so she knows where to start.


mummmy2017 · 05/08/2017 06:26

Please go and get a job, you don't have enough cash to keep you till you get your grant, there is a job at X the sign is still outside here is the email, please send your CV. It's somewhere she likes working.


OP posts:
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