AIBU to be really hurt about my DDs (10) comment? Hair Loss Issues

[Slapthegrilledcheese]

I used to have a great head of hair...now thinning coz in my forties, but still get compliments occasionally, because it's not showing-or so I thought.
My 10yr old DD has a really sweet character and is always very affectionate. She has tons of lush glossy hair. When brushing my hair, out of the blue, she commented: You really haven't got a lot of hair, do you? Did you lose lots? is this an age thing?
BAM. My day was ruined! Is this kind of tactlessness normal at this age? Should'nt she have learned by now to just not mention certain things? Or am I being AIBU??

She was just making conversation.

If you take it to heart you'll just end up resenting her.

Plus you mention your daughter's hair in a way which suggests she should have known to be grateful for her own and keep her mouth shut.

Children"s brains don't work that way. Nor would she intentionally rile you.

I think I'd maybe have a word with her about tactfulness.

She's 10 not 5 and perhaps should be starting to understand what could be hurtful.

OMG YABU!!

I get its a sensitive subject (mine is greying and thinning and I have a couple more years before 40, I am very touchy with DH when he takes the piss) but many 10 year olds still have that childlike innocence where they see it/they say it - it isn't tactless, and unless YOU have taught her that its a touchy subject, then how the hell would you expect her to know!

Plus you mention your daughter's hair in a way which suggests she should have known to be grateful for her own and keep her mouth shut.

Children"s brains don't work that way. Nor would she intentionally rile you.

This.

Gentle chat that she should be a bit more tactful? Absolutely.

Telling her off etc? Nope.

It doesn't sound malicious at all, just made an observation.

She's 10, and it's only hair.

When I was little I asked mum why her boobs hung down so much but I was 3. By the time I was 10 I knew not to say things like this to people.

I don't think she was trying to hurt you but I can see why you are hurt.

YABU. I'm much younger than you and have very thin hair after losing a lot of it for health reasons. It makes me a bit self-conscious and yes, my day would have been ruined by that sort of comment, but I wouldn't blame the child. I used to work in a nursery and often got 'why are you fat?' (at size 12!) and other personal questions. Children don't know any better and your 10-year-old likely doesn't realise it's a sensitive subject for you.

The adult stranger who felt the need to tell me it was a shame about my hair, though, had me covering it up with hoods and hats for weeks.

To be fair at 10 I used to always mention to my mum the amount of grey hairs and dandruff she had. But then me and my mum had that kind of relationship. Just make sure she knows it's not ok to say those things to people she is not as close to. A 10 year old probably knows about tactfulness but probably didn't think to apply it to a conversation with her mum.

Don't take it to heart, she's only young and kids haven't had the sensitivity chip inserted at that age. On the hair front, I'm similar and get embarrassed going to the hairdressers because it's so thin, so I do know how you feel.

My DS pokes my tummy and says 'squishy' and laughs (he's 2), it doesn't do much for my confidence but he doesn't know any better.

I made a similar comment to my mother, over 50 years ago. Occasionally I am still struck by how hurt she was and what a nasty thing it was to say. I don't know why I said it as I was older enough to know better.

I use a shampoo and conditioner that bulks my hair up a bit, yes justice and it happened to me. If you would like the name let me know and I will go and have a look as memory loss is also setting in.

I think it would have been honest to say 'yes i am losing my hair but pointing it out is a bit tactless as mummy doesnt like to think about it.'

that way she knows how you feel and learns about tact.

bit late now and not much point being an adult and getting upset about what a child says - she wont have learnt anything you havent taught her.

YABU sorry!

My 8 year old told me that I have a moustache I told him that most women have hair on their upper lips and that it is usual, most women have darker hair than I do too so I was actually glad it was my face that he noticed it on.

Then when he repeated his comment I told him that it was unkind to point out something about people in a negative way as it can be hurtful. Use moments like this

Sorry! Use moments like this to teach what is ok to say to others and why.

Hair loss is quite difficult to deal with and is definitely something I'm sensitive about, thankfully DD(8) hasn't ever commented about it. She did dive underwater the other day when we were swimming together and then come up again laughing her head off because 'the way the fat on my legs wobbles was absolutely hilarious'
I did tell her that it was quite hurtful to laugh quite so hysterically at someone. Even if it is your mum.

"yes, its part of the aging process that you have less hair and it gets thinner"

No need for the upset.

I can understand it upsetting you because I have the same problem. But she did not mean to be melicious...

In fact, only last night I had a dream about my thin hair...

I've had severe androgenic alopecia since I was a teenager. Your daughter was just making an observation - I've heard much worse. She won't be aware it's such a touchy subject for you.

@ this though

and it's only hair

Yes, no doubt you'll be so sanguine when you're losing your hair.

and it's only hair

Oh do fuck off.

She's 10 and doesn't understand that you feel upset about your hair. It's not a topic of conversation that 10 year olds have in the playground or even at home unless they know someone upset about losing their hair. Just explain to her that people in their forties can feel sensitive about hair loss. And just remember - the reason she said something is obviously because she feels completely comfortable around you plus she loves you regardless of your hair. So rather than resent her, perhaps remind yourself how lucky you are to have such unconditional love in your life.
If it helps, during a cuddle my children were asking this week what the small holes in my face were (enlarged pores) - they said it looks like I'd had acupuncture on my face!
Lxx

If you can't ask honest questions to the people closest to you when you are growing up when can you? Children have a bit of a 'warts and all' relationship with parents sometimes and I think that one the whole honesty like that should be encouraged within the family. I would have a chat about feelings and being tactful too though.