AIBU in thinking DH is being a bit 'heavy handed'

[JeffVaderneedsatray]

I'm struggling with the way DH is dealing with an issue with DS, partly because I don't see it as the huge problem DH does, partly because I'm left to deal with the fall out and partly because I think such heavy handedness now leaves us with nowhere to go with truly serious issues in the future.
DS is 12 and has an ASC. He hates sleeping, always has, and will keep himself awake on purpose. (We think he is afraid of never waking up or possibly he just hates the day to end) We have tried many things tgo help him and have now got to the point where he will actually stay in bed once it's sleep time. He has music if he wants it, a dimmable light bulb and a lave lamp projecting soothing colours on the ceiling.
DS also sometimes genuinely struggles to get to sleep, like me. whereas DH pretty much goes to sleep when his head hits the pillow. DH is highly likely to be an undxed Aspie and seems to think that everyone should do as he does and just go to sleep!
DS is allowed to read in bed once we've said goodnight and he has a time to turn his light off. He was trusted to turn his light off himself but recently we've had to go back to us going in as he was carrying on reading on school nights until much later. Recently we've had a spate of DS then reading under the covers until very late which infuriates DH. If I catch him I remove the book and remind him he has to be up for school in the morning and that I expect him not to be grumpy in the morning. If DH catches him it's as if DS has been commiting the worst crime known to man!
Last night DH caught DS reading at about 11pm. He read the riot act and has told DS that he is no longer allowed to read after we've said goodnight. I don't know if he warned DS about that as I was on the phone to my mum at lights out time.
I really think DH is going over the top. It's likely a control thing. DH is a bit 'victorian dad' in terms of discipline, like he's regarding it all as a battle for control. I jsut think that if he goes in this heavy over something small then he's got nowhere to go with the really serious things later on.
I'm a bit more about natural consequences - if DS reads too late then he has to deal with being tired in the morning and he knows I will have no truck with tiredness induced stroppiness.
Sorry for the essay!
So, I suppose my question is AIBU to think DH is being overly strict and how the hell do I get him to see that?

I can't get my head around berating a child for reading. I do think he's been heavy handed unfortunately. It's not as if he's up and about wandering the house or playing games on a computer.

I'm autistic. I hate bedtime because that's the time of day my brain refuses to shut off and decided to process all sorts of crap. So I'm trying to sleep but stupid stuff pings up like have I remembered to put x, y and z on the shopping list, are all the school consent forms dealt with etc

I do think a lot of people have that happen, particularly if their anxiety level is heightened. They're called 'intrusive thoughts' and there are lots of ways to deal with them.
First thing is to realise that just because you've had a thought, it doesn't need your immediate or indeed any attention. It's just a thought and you can choose to let it go because you don't need to do anything about it right now, you need to sleep.

It takes a bit of practise, loads online and youtube etc. find a way that suits you, but please don't lie awake thinking that the thoughts won't stop. They will, you can do it

"If I turn the light off when I'm not sleepy, I end up lying there all night unable to sleep."

Me too.

OP, you need to explain to your husband that he is reading because he can't sleep - not the other way around. It's not the reading that is keeping him up.

If your husband storms in, removes the book and turns off the light, your son will probably be awake just as long - only he'll be lying there awake in the dark, thoughts spinning.

He will be just as tired in the morning. Nothing will be any different, except that your son will love his father a little less.

Reading in bed is hardly the crime of the century. Go easy on him. His later teenage years will be shite if this is an issue now.

I don't think that's what intrusive thoughts are blank.

Anyway another set of Aspies here who rely on melatonin to regulate sleep. DH is a head on the pillow and out type. Me & dd have no pause switch on our brains, they just run at full tilt. Dd will still be pootling at 1am on an ordinary night without medication so she chooses to take it.

"I love that you read to him."
This in spades. How lovely to still share that.

I think you need a word with your DH.

"he is reading because he can't sleep - not the other way around. It's not the reading that is keeping him up."

Agree with this.

Surely the crime isn't the reading, it's the carrying on reading when he's been told to stop? The issue is breach of trust - you trust him to turn his light out after a while. If he can't be trusted to do that, then removing the book IS a natural consequence IMO. I'm with your DH.

I'm often at odds with modern parenting tho.

If the issue is that he needs to read longer etc then by all means review the arrangement, but if you've agreed on something then your DS should stick to it.

The issue isn't that he removes the book. I remove the book. The issue is that DH has now said DS cannot read at all once we have said goodnight.
In my view that will lead to DS getting out of bed and messing with Lego and undoing all the good work we did and thus escalating the issue between him and DH...
I need a quiet conversation with DH. I also need a quiet conversation with DS.

Yanbu at all. Your dh is being VVVVVVU. There's far worse things a nearly 13 year old could be getting up to than reading at 11pm!

Insomnia advice is that if you can't sleep you should get up and do something soothing / distracting, ideally in another room (this bit might be unsuitable for your DS but reading in bed is a pretty good compromise). The problem with lying awake tossing and turning is that in the first place it induces frustration / anxiety about sleep, which is inconsistent with being able to relax enough to get to sleep; and in the second, over time, you end up associating being in bed with being awake / frustrated / anxious rather than sleepy and it can turn into a chronic problem.

Your DS is actually using a good strategy for managing his sleep, as long as he puts the book away once he starts to feel sleepy. You are also handling it well by not adding unnecessary stress and tension to the situation.

So now here's the thing........

Had a word with DS about there being consequences to actions (it's a conversation we have many many times....) and how if he wanted to be trusted he had to behave in a trustworthy way.

Was going to have a word with DH but he came and asked ME what we shoudl do (a first) so I suggested he remembered the autistic part of our DS and took steps to find a different way. DH had a chat with DS and managed to overlook DS's grumpy demeanour. Reading time was re instated. (Part of me wonders if DH is on Mumsnet.......)

Reading time was reinstated with the proviso that we went in to end it. However come the time to end reading time DH was in the garage with a bod who might be fixing his car and just as I was about to go and turn off his light DS did it himself.

WhatWouldGhengisDo we have tried the whole managing insomnia thing with DS but it is very much a work in progress as he regards lying for 30 seconds awake as 'not being able to sleep' ..... So we need to work with him to quantify how long he has to be still for before he can read etc.....

I sympathise with DS as I am also a sleep avoider............ Lord knwos why as I am knackered and don't seem to learn..........

I think the audiobook is a good idea, so that he doesn't have to "actively put the book away".

Some people sleep better if they take some exercise in the evening - this really works for me, I walk for fifteen minutes every evening. But I am aware that for some people, this has the opposite effect.

I must say you sound like a world-class negotiator

How about finding a 20 minute relaxation practice or guided meditation that DS has to do before he's allowed to give up and read? Horses for courses but it's something I've found helpful.

Further baffling but pleasing updates.......
Last night I took DD to an event run by our local Autism support group. We were late home which pushed bedtime. DS realised he'd have minimal reading time so actually asked if it could be extended and DH agreed.....
At the extended lights out time DS turned his own light out.
I'm not entirely sure what's going on but I'm not complaining!