SILs constant Facebook focus on bereavement.

[TinaBelcher]

Actually it's my BILs partner. I have unfollowed her on FB a few times and always follow again cos she posts photos of our nephew every day so I absurdly feel like a bad auntie keeping that invisible on purpose. He's a lovely little boy.

But her FB talks about her dead parents literally every single week of her life.

Her Dad died when she was 19, and her Mum who was her best friend died just before she got pregnant. I am not for one second suggesting those were not traumatic events. I lost both my parents unexpectedly last year just 4 months apart - I know what it's like.

BUT I find myself becoming really irritated by her FB activity.

She will do one of the following every week and sometimes twice a week: change her profile pic to one of her dead parents, post a meme about stars in the sky or some maudlin poem, write something about some anniversary and missing them, post on her own wall tagging a friend who's parent died that week years ago and go "AnneX, can you believe we lost your Mam 5 years ago this week! Dad is 17 years gone now, it never gets any easier Hun" prompting numerous comments consoling them BOTH.

Basically she appears to be relentlessly mining for sympathy. And she gets it cos her Friend list is vast.

I asked my BIL if she was ok cos of all the posts and he said yeah she was 100% fine and she wasn't depressed at all and basically said FB isn't reflective of her real life.

Why does it bother me SO MUCH??! It's her choice right? I should just unfollow her and ignore it right? I literally get so annoyed about her sympathy mining that I don't want to see her in real life!

No her Mum died about 5 years ago. It was fairly sudden, she had a persistent cough and they expected it to be pneumonia but the x-ray showed stage 4 cancer and she was dead 3 months later. So it was awful.

However, both mine died quicker than that and only 4 months apart and only last year and it was like a bomb going off and I don't spend my time thinking of new and imaginative ways to make people feel sorry for me on Facebook!

......Ok I have officially crossed the line into massive bitch territory....

YANBU- it's really is quite sad to be honest- that so many people see FB as some sort of confirmation that they are 'the most' upset etc

I'd block and ignore - she's too shallow to notice you've gone anyway

@whatsername17 that's awful- that would make me so angry even as an adult. Yes, everyone grieves in different ways. But that was clearly attention seeking. If she couldn't sit through a lesson, she should have gone home.

It's ok to say 'I need help/ I need consolation/ I'm upset' but there are some people that need to constantly insert themselves in other people's drama.

Not that this has anything to do with OP's story, but I had a friend like Whatser's who always inserted herself in other people's drama- 'Jane'. I remember getting a text at work saying 'can you call, it's an emergency'. So I leave a meeting and call Jane, she says 'Dan (another mutual not-close friend)'s older sister (who neither of us had ever met) has gone into labour and there has been complications, the baby might be going to NICU. (Note: Jane and Dan are not close friends, at all. Maybe known each other a few months and hung out a handful of times in a group.) I just thought you should know and I'll call you with updates. I'm texting Dan every 15 minutes to get the information but he isn't replying. I'll be the point person for information about Dan's sister' I'm not denying that it is sad and I feel for Dan and his sister, but neither of us know this woman, both of us have never met her, nor are particularly close with Dan (a particularly private person, too) and they all live on another continent. I'm not denying that it must have been scary for Dan and his sister (everything turned out fine), but why did Jane have to insert herself in his drama to the point where she is blowing up his phone. She was calling people who met Dan twice, at work under the guise of emergencies. Dan even said later that he was really embarrassed/upset by her. Some people see drama and can only see their feelings but don't take time to think what others are going through at the same time.

And the thing is, she has a big support system in real life. A big gang of female friends who she goes out with a lot and they are all forever tagging each other with sentimental stuff. And my BIL is very kind.

So its not like she has no outlet in real life.

(I know IBU though.)

I have a very similar issue with a family member, OP. It's not just the posts about the actual bereavement (getting on for 20 years ago now), it's a constant stream of likes for posts about illness, cancer, etc, etc. It verges on the ghoulish.

And there have even been RL outbursts (not initiated or indeed participated in by me in any way) in which their loss has been 'ranked' compared to mine - theirs was worse, obviously .

Quite honestly, the best way to cope is to ignore. It's difficult sometimes, but you really do have to.

Esme I often think it's pretty bad form to tag someone else about their dead Mum. She does it to everyone She can.

She hasn't done it to me yet, I would have to have a word with BIL cos it would knock the stuffing out of me.

My Dsis often post pics of our father - he dies 7 years ago

He was a drunk womaniser selfish wife beating wanker

Yes here she is posting Father's Day pics 'in memory' all soppy etc

Drives me insane!!! Gets all the 'ah babe' 'hun' messages

Makes me wonder what her friends know about the'truth'

(Not saying it's the same - but you know)

Yeah they were going to excluded me for swearing in a lesson and being horrible to a girl who'd lost her grandad. Until they realised the dead man was actually my grandad, not hers. I hadn't told anyone except my best friend, it was sad enough at home and I just wanted to get on with it. She was, and continues to be, a drama lama. Come to think of it, it was her sister who announced my uncles death on fb before my aunt had told their children. Fucking weird family. Op, you are still very much in the throes of your grief. Unfollow her and don't feel like a bitch. If she says anything just tell her that it's too raw for you and to respect your boundaries. She sounds like hard work.

I have a friend who is exactly like that and I don't know if anyone of her friends who post sympathetic messages on her Fb actually mean it or are just going through the motions and saying what's expected. Certainly none of her friends who have commented to me, are expressing sympathy for any reason other than they feel obliged to do so and feel guilty if they don't. She's always been the same, even before the loss of her family. My friend seems to seek attention, sympathy and want to appear as a victim all of the time, which probably indicates some sort of mental health issue but I'm absolutely not qualified to have an insight into what's going on. Team members at work have said that she is regularly in tears about something mawkish, but only starts sobbing when she knows that she has an audience and if that audience will fuss around her. When another woman she worked with lost a parent, my friend was draped over this woman's neck, racked with sobs about how sorry she was, despite scarcely knowing the poor woman and never having met her parent. Everyone ended up taking care of my friend and enabling the other woman to make good her escape.
It does irritate and people do suffer from sympathy overload, especially if it can be seen to be hammed up on occasions.

I would feel the same as you OP, and no, I'm not lacking in support and understanding about my friend's loss and her problems. I'd rather not constantly 'feel sorry' for her though as this isn't really who she is and it isn't healthy for her to have everyone 'feeling sorry' for her or view her as some sort of sad little soul. It certainly doesn't help towards genuine friendship.
When she's off Fb and away from situations and circumstances that she uses as a way in to making a public declaration that she is the world's most loving and sadly bereaved daughter, she is actually a really bubbly and positive person.

Is she an extrovert?

One of the most useful things I have learned is to expect very different signs of grief in extroverts compared to introverts.

I'm an introvert, this stuff makes me cringe, but I get that it's sincere when it comes from others.

Could you create a what's app or fb messenger family group and encourage her to post photos of kids there? Then unfollow on fb.

Performative grief? Maudlin?

Or maybe just a way that this woman copes with her huge loss?

OP YABU.

I think you need to really look at why this bothers you to such an extent.

Do you think you properly allowed yourself to grieve when your passed? Tell me to shut up if you like! But maybe the constant reminders of how both her parents died is stirring something up about yours? I don't know.

I do have someone sort of like this on my FB, but she's best described as a grief vampire, I think. Every death, every tragedy (none of which directly affect her or her family) and she's posting lengthy, wordy posts about it and somehow connecting the afflicted/dead person to herself in tenuous ways.

Like, "Julie was amazing, the most beautiful of people. I will miss her incredibly warm smile and zest for life. We chatted every other week at the co-op for five minutes about the weather and she made such an impression on my life, which is why I'm starting this fundraiser in her honour. Everyone donate generously." Sigh.

@tinabelcher I often think it's pretty bad form to tag someone else about their dead Mum. She does it to everyone She can.

I totally agree! It's one thing to reach out privately at milestones (mum's birthday, Christmas etc) but to have a constant stream, compounded by the fact that you need to talk about your mum as well, is just not on.

Actually I agree with you OP, this would annoy me.
And I know what it is like to have traumatic bereavements close to each other. Seems self indulgent and attention seeking.

I think you sound very self-reflective. You're clearly aware of a disproportion between your reaction and the provocation here, and I think it takes quite a bit person to be able to recognise and admit that.

Here's the thing: the Facebook posting is kind of lacking in class and splurgey. But it's clearly angering you beyond this. I wonder if that's because you haven't perhaps been supported so well through your own grief? Maybe part of you feels like you could have used a bit more support, a bit more love from people? Grief can make us feel very alone, very lonely in the world and it's easy to start to feel isolated.

Of course, everyone grieves differently. BUT it can be difficult, when we are struggling and vulnerable, to interface with different ways of managing those emotions. Of course, the kind of public support your SIL gets isn't right for you; indeed, it sounds rather as though it's making your own situation feel even more difficult to handle. But maybe your reaction is a sign that you still need a bit more support in your own kind of language and values? I may be putting 2 and 2 together and making 17 here, but a couple of your replies make it sound a little as though you might struggle to be the kind of person who asks for help, who constantly feels that they might be burdening others. And I wanted to say to you that this isn't necessarily the case, and that sometimes people like to help a friend.

*quite a BIG person. Not a bit person!

Tina I actually think your reaction is quite normal. And I do get WHY you are getting annoyed.

As some PP pointed out there is no scale in grieving but it is very clear (and normal!!) that you are grieving from the loss of your parents and it makes all that display even harder to cope with.

Your main issue there is that you can't ask people on FB to remember those who might not want to be reminded of some very hard times ne be more careful in their posting.
And I do think that your initial reaction was the best one. Unfollow her posts so that you don't have to be subjected to all their posts on grief (yu have enough to deal with with your win grief) . You will still be able to go back on her profile and look at the photos of her dcs.

Do people know they can post on FB and have ONLY themselves see their post. Cathartic and private.

Repeatedly reminding all their friends of past sad events IS fishing for sympathy, but also keeping them stuck in the past.

Find a real friend if you need a shoulder to cry on. TBH I really don't know how to react to these competitive grievers.

I'm not a big fan of people who post about the death of loved ones on FB to begin with - I just don't think it's the right medium. Especially when it's someone who they only vaguely knew, and it's a constant barrage of RIP status updates.

Competitive grievers?

This thread is really quite horrible.

Just unfollow people who post about their dead loved ones eh.

I think it's a bigger issue that she's posting photos of your nephew online presumeably without him vetting them or giving his consent.

Yes I do find it massively triggering and it makes me want to throw the iPad across the room.

I don't have her band of female friends (why I'm on here so much tbh). I didn't have much support last year other than my DH. I recognised that and went to counselling and it was amazing. Really really helped.

So I am doing really well since counselling ended. I miss them and love them but I did all my ranting and raving and weeping and I feel like I worked through a lot.

So her posts set me back a bit and that makes me mad cos if it's triggering me who else in her friend list is she triggering in her oblivious self indulgent quest for sympathy?

I have a family member like this, put photos of her mum up when she was in the last stages of cancer.
Now 7 years on, every post is about her mum or the latest tragedy. Frequent pics of her mums grave with her kids laid across it.
She also does a daily 'rollcall' on who has helped her with her grief, looked after her kids for her to grieve, with passive aggressive comments against those she feels aren't doing enough.
7 years on.
As a family we've tried to help as she has mental health issues, but if you try to discuss issues with her even unrelated to her mum dying, she flips and then you're named and shamed on Facebook as not being supportive of her grief.
You just have to disengage.

Why haven't you unfollowed her?