To distance myself from her pregnancy?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I've been trying for a baby for about a year, and in the last five months have had three early (5-7 weeks) miscarriages. I'm not in a good place at the moment and posted another thread about this recently. My SIL is pregnant, due ten days before my first one would have been if it had worked out. When they first told me I was surprised that the news didn't upset me at all - I was thrilled to become an aunt - but since then I've started finding it much harder, as I've miscarried twice more and become more scared that something is wrong. I also (like an idiot) just assumed back in March when they told me that I'd be pregnant again and all would be well by her October due date. I'm now having some testing and been told not to TTC until that's all done, which will be October or November. Ever since I realised that there was no chance that I'd be pregnant I've been struggling so much with the thought of their baby being born; it's also been harder since she now has a big bump (obviously). I feel so horrible for feeling like this; I love my brother and my SIL is a lovely, sweet person. They deserve their happiness, and obviously this is such an exciting, special time for them. But I'm finding it harder and harder - the last few times I've seen or spoken to them I've gone off for a cry afterwards, and I'm worried that it's obvious that I'm unhappy and it's making everyone uncomfortable. Would it be better to distance myself a bit, both from them and my parents (who are obviously and naturally v excited about their first grandchild)? Or would it be better to carry on talking about it and try and be as involved as I would normally be even if it's clear that I'm not doing well? I feel like either way I'm ruining their happiness and it feels miserable. Obviously I realise that the ideal solution is that I either stop feeling like this or get better at covering it, but that's easier said than done!

I'm so so sorry for what you are going through and totally understand how hard this must be for you! We have only been TTC since May and have had an early miscarriage in June.

I found it very hard immediately after the MC to talk to friends/family with tiny babies or who were pregnant.

It must be so very difficult for you.

Do your family know of what's happened to you?

I can't offer much advice but do want to let you know that's it's ok to feel how you do! I wouldn't suggest isolating yourself as you really do deserve support at such a difficult time - especially from your parents

Thank you. My parents know, and have been very supportive, but I think they (understandably) find it hard to know what to say or do. I suspect they actually are trying not tone down their excitement around me, but it's such a big thing in their lives, of course. My brother knows about the first one - he rang me to say how sorry he was, which was nice as it clearly wasn't an easy conversation for him (he's a very kind person, but not much of one for a heart to heart). I don't know whether they know about the other two - I didn't tell my mum not to tell him, but I haven't told him myself.

I'm so sorry
I had three miscarriages in a row. I don't even have words for how I felt - let alone then being around someone pregnant.

Your family all sound lovely. Your brother ringing (when many people don't know what to say!) is very kind. And I'm sure no one would want you to feel like this. I'm afraid I don't have any answers. But I just wanted to say take as long as you need. It's ok to feel like this. I wish I could make it better

Why are the tests taking so long? We had some X Ray's and bloods done but they were all over in a few weeks. The Drs told me (you might want to check with yours!) that once the X Ray was over it was ok to start ttc if we were emotionally ready. It's just they can't X Ray you if there's a possibility of you being pregnant

Did they give you any emotional support too? My hospital had a counselling service which I didn't use but was nice knowing it was there. Otherwise there are lots of lovey wise women on these boards so always come back here

My local hospital insists that the blood clotting tests have to be done three months after the last miscarriage - I don't really know why, as it seems to be 6-8 weeks as standard, but that's their rule. That's early September, and they said they'd get us in for a consultation on all the results (blood clotting, hormone and thyroid blood tests and an internal ultrasound which I don't yet have a date for) 'a month or two' after that. The doctor said not to TTC until then, in case the results showed anything. I'm also hoping to get NK cell tests done at the Coventry RMC during this time - and you have to have those done in two separate cycles at least two months after miscarriage, and there has to be no chance you're pregnant (the test could cause miscarriage) so that also means no TTC until October at earliest.

Hospital didn't offer counselling but I have arranged some through work (as I said in my first post, I'm generally really struggling with my mental health at the moment and it's been really affecting my work). I had a sort of triage appointment for that last week but it'll be about eight weeks on the waiting list before starting regular counselling.

My family are lovely, and I know I'm very lucky there. That's why I feel so shit about feeling like I'm this big black cloud at the edge of such a happy time, though - I know that no one's done anything wrong and that they can't help the timing of her pregnancy and it feels almost like I'm punishing them.

Sorry for your losses OP. I've been there.

I eventually realised that putting on a brave face for the benefit of those around me came at an enormous emotional cost. So I would suggest you don't try to be brave for the benefit of others and instead ask for the support you need (space/time/understanding). You won't ruin their happiness and they will want to support you.

Good luck.

Ps have you been over to the reccurrent miscarriage threads? It was brilliant for support when I needed it.

Just seen your up date. Waiting for the test results is so hard.

Just seen that your family is supportive. That's fab. It's not asking too much to tell them what you need. It's not selfish and they will all want to help.

Thanks so much for the advice and kind words. I think the problem with asking for what I need is that I don't know what I need? I mean, what I want is to be healthily pregnant with my own child, but they can't make that happen! Part of me wants to not have to see my heavily pregnant SIL and then the new baby, but then I don't really want that at all - I think if I did that I'd look back and feel not just guilty but full of regret for acting like that. It hurts when my parents talk about it in front of me, but it also hurts when they clearly and obviously don't. I'm impossible to please and I know it.

I was in a very similar situation this time last year. It was incredibly hard to be around SIL when she was pregnant despite all family being aware of our situation and trying (and failing) to be sensitive to it.

I found that I had to distance myself during the pregnancy, but once the baby was here it seemed easier. I don't know why- nothing I did was rational back then. But once he was here and obviously unavoidable whenever I saw her, it did get easier. I think what I struggled with the most was the not knowing how I would react. I worried myself unnecessarily over how I might burst into tears or need to leave and not be able to. I think I was actually my own worst enemy- especially as I, like you, had said to myself that I'd be pregnant again when she gave birth. It was very much self inflicted for me and I feel like once I realised that everyone just wanted to squish the tiny baby and weren't deliberately trampling all over how we felt, it got better.

Basically in a long, rambling way I'm trying to say it's ok to feel like you do. You can't stop it, but I would maybe have a quiet word with SIL and explain how it's hard for you but despite that you are no less delighted for them. We did and she fully understood- obviously it was hard for her to do anything about it being obvious, but at least it meant that she knew why if we didn't fancy meeting up or had to leave very quickly. It avoided the awkward questions and the horrible explaining to people and it really helped to know that we didn't have to talk about it if we didn't want to.

Take care of yourself- it really is the absolute pits

I have thought about having a word with SIL, but it feels so uncomfortable. The thing is, we don't know each other very well - she isn't actually my SIL technically (but calling her 'my brother's girlfriend' seemed a bit nitpicky), and they've only been together for a bit over a year (the pregnancy was unplanned, but they're both thrilled about it now). From what I do know of her she seems absolutely lovely, and I guess in some ways it's easier that we're not close friends (it's not like it's me that she's sharing all her pregnancy niggles with!), but it feels like a bit much to put all this on her.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in almost the same situation at the beginning of the year (sil due a week after my first mc would have been and then I miscarried again.) I was utterly focused on getting pregnant before my original due date as I just couldn't cope with the alternative and couldn't be around sil or any pregnant women for that matter (despite me being really happy for them - it was just too painful). My advice would be to look after yourself and give yourself time away from sil and db if you need it. They should understand. Our story had a happy ending so far (I'm now 4 months pregnant) and I really hope the same happens for you.

The three month thing is presumably because they're testing for APS as a cause of the miscarriages? You have to test positive for the antibodies twice with a gap of at least 12 weeks. Did they test you once already? If it is that they can treat you effectively during pregnancy so it's a good idea to wait. I have (one of) the antibodies, they cause easy bruising and slow healing for me.

Oh lisasimpson so sorry for your losses. I do know how you feel a bit as I've just miscarried at 12 weeks. My twin sister is upduffed by a couple of months longer than I would have been. We were so excited about being pregnant together and having maternity leave together but it wasn't to be.

It's really difficult being around her but I do make myself as I know what an exciting time it is for her and I don't want to spoil it for her.

Maybe try to do quick visits, a quick brew and away? Although that might not be practical?

I'm sure your brother and SIL will understand if you're a bit distant for a while, although it could ruin the relationship if you continue to be distant. The baby will soon come along and you can't avoid them forever.

You're time will come, sending hugs x x

I am so sorry for your losses. I felt the same way after my miscarriage - I remember leaving my nephew's Christening in tears and feeling broken but awful that I couldn't just be happy for my lovely brother.

Someone upthread said they found it easier when the baby was born. I also found that (although it was still tough). Pregnant people were unbearably hard to be around, but new babies - well, that wasn't my baby.

Wishing you peace and happiness, OP.