am i being unreasonable to think that the current mindset of 'our wedding , our choice'...

[therootoftheroot]

and the day being JUST about the bridegroom could be a cause or an indicator of many of the extended family conflicts we read about on here?

So if you consider your wedding to be JUST about what YOU want and consider to be solely a joining together of two people as opposed to a joining of two families, then you're more likely to think your mother in law is a cow for wanting to see her son etc?

YABU

Weddings cost an absolute fortune, and in my case I will be paying for it.

If any of our families were to complain about how we plan our day then I'd tell them to cough up or shut up

Both dp and I have been married before and both weddings were extravagant.

YANBU.

Part of general selfishness and caring more about $$ than about family harmony. I'm afraid.

I think the bride & groom should choose what they want on their wedding day & future in laws should support their choices

Surely you could read cause and correlation the other way here? That a family who don't think the bride and groom's happiness is top priority in a wedding are later likely to be a family that cause friction? Both my parents and DH's kept telling us to 'do what makes you two happy; it's your day and no one else's'. We have a great relationship with all of them, and I feel incredibly lucky to have such lovely in-laws.

I'm always surprised by parents of either bride or groom, who feel they should have input into the guest list/choice of venue/dress/ flowers/ whatever, because they're making a contribution to it.

I think it's reasonable to say perhaps that there is a budget, so a venue/dress etc costing over the limit can't be funded, but I wouldn't expect to make any of the choices apart from that. It's up to the couple.

It's always been "Our wedding our choice.." The difference these days is the fact there are a certain and increasing number of brides and grooms who get very upset when other people don't necessarily want to spend a fortune in extravagant pre-wedding celebrations or large portions of their annual leave to help them realise their Special Day vision when it's taking place in Deepest Darkest Peru with a dress code involving elf costumes in the wedding colours. So much bloody wankiness and entitlement unheard of in the past when it was a case of taking their guests' comfort and convenience into account.

The difference these days is the fact there are a certain and increasing number of brides and grooms who get very upset when other people don't necessarily want to spend a fortune in extravagant pre-wedding celebrations or large portions of their annual leave to help them realise their Special Day vision when it's taking place in Deepest Darkest Peru with a dress code involving elf costumes in the wedding colours.

I've been to at least four weddings a year for the past three years (we hit 30 and suddenly everyone got engaged at once!) and not one of them has been like this. I don't know anyone who had a destination wedding; I don't know anyone who got married on a weekday; I don't know anyone who had a specific dress code; I've never been abroad for a hen do. I don't think nice, normal people do this. If you find it's common in your friendship circle then maybe have a bit of a think about your friends.

Your wedding....your choice. Just don't get annoyed if someone can't or doesn't want to attend.

This is how I'd like my wedding to go:

Invite everyone to an engagement party. Say for 7pm.

DP and I go the registry office during the day with the kids and 2 witnesses. Get married and turn up to our "engagement party" as Mr & Mrs

Invites would say no presents, if they really must spend then just buy a new outfit or new shoes or pay for a babysitter. It's our party and the only expense we want guests to have is the expense of having a good night out.

It won't be a free bar but buffet will be provided.
Kids and adults invited.

I do however know that some people will be upset so perhaps the wedding part will be extended to a select few high heid yins

I don't think anyone takes into account their partners family when making the decision as to whether to marry.
Otherwise there would be an awful lot of single people around as most families have their share of oddballs.

DP and I go the registry office during the day with the kids and 2 witnesses. Get married and turn up to our "engagement party" as Mr & Mrs. Invites would say no presents, if they really must spend then just buy a new outfit or new shoes or pay for a babysitter. It's our party and the only expense we want guests to have is the expense of having a good night out.

If you were billing it as an engagement party then this would be the invite that spawned a thousand MN threads! 'They've put no presents on an engagement party invite! How rude! Why would they even mention presents for an engagement party!'

Sounds perfect Valderal but you would have to keep your plans quiet because people tend to have strong ideas about weddings and what they should liook like. Before you know it, dream quiet wedding spirals out of control based on what other people want.

I do hope you get your wish!

I married a man, not his family. Fortunately I got a lovely extended family, my husband didn't get such a good deal.

I do think the focus is all a bit funny nowadays. Surely the marriage is for you but the wedding for your guests? Obviously it should be to your taste, but with good hosting in mind. All I tend to see now is a my day my way mentality, which is fine if we're talking about wanting a cocktail instead of bucks fizz, or not having a religious ceremony despite family traditions. But when it becomes running off to take 1000 photos while your guests awkwardly mingle for a couple hours outside, or insisting on awkward guest dress codes it becomes a bit off.

I can see how it could lead to people feeling put out or annoyed, in that quiet way that leads to tension down the line. Planting the seeds of passive aggressive judgeyness maybe.

Oh gosh! Can you imagine the uproar!
Point well and truly taken MargaretCavendish

Well, vaderal I think it would be selfish of you not to do this now - you know how MN loves a good 'rude engaged couple' thread! In all seriousness, though, your plan sounds lovely, intimate and like everyone would have a great time.

I kind of agree and I'm planning a wedding. At the end of the day you're hosting a party and you need to be considerate of your guests, and what they'll need to enjoy the day too.

My wedding was funded by both sets of parents, they wouldn't let us self fund it!
My parents were very much - "we're paying but it's your day" and helped us source what we wanted. DM was very reluctant to even offer an opinion.
MIL wanted to dictate the guest list.

Personally I think a wedding day should reflect the couple getting married, otherwise all weddings would be the same.

Paying for your own wedding and making your choices seems the most logical way forward for me. Weddings however aren't very logical things and even doing this we had lots of input we didn't really want from family members. If people don't like your ideas then they don't have to accept the invite at the end of the day.

I think there needs to be a balance. It's their wedding day therefore it should be how they imagined. However if you are hosting an event you do need to think about your guests.

I think the main issue is that people forget sometimes that an invitation is just that. So when someone declines to spend £££££ to travel to a long-haul wedding or can't get a Wednesday off work the couple take it as an insult.

I have an issue atm with a childfree wedding. My cousin is getting married. She's marrying someone she met at a party hosted by DH and I - one of DH's relatives. She is also part of my friendship group. So... All of my relatives are invited. All of DH's relatives are invited (DH has been asked to be an usher by his relative). All of our friends are invited so who am I supposed to ask to look after my kids?

Now I am sad that I'm missing her wedding, but I have politely declined for me. The bride has absolutely hit the roof. I could probably do a playdate/childcare swap for my 8 year old. But I have a 3yo and an 11 month old with significant health issues (she needs set medication at set times) so everyone I would have asked is at the wedding.

There's another wedding being planned in the family that is likely to cause serious drama soon as well. The bride has always wanted 6 bridesmaids. She's picked 4, but she's grasping at straws trying to work out who to ask for the other 2. She asked a work colleague who said no. Hasn't asked the grooms 2 sisters, despite her brother being involved with the groom's party. She just cannot see how that is causing offence because her bridesmaids are "her choice from her side". Which is true, but when you are on the verge of asking a neighbour then it's bloody offensive not to have asked the groom's 2 siblings!

It's your day, but you have to live with your choices for a long time so they need to be made wisely.

Valderal , some friends of mine did almost exactly this a few years ago! They invited everyone to a party and told us all not to bother bringing drink or nibbles as they would provide, and announced at the start of the evening that they had got married during the day, with only their parents present. It was a fantastic party!

Some people I know asked my advice about getting married abroad. Except abroad was the home country one of them. So I said wherever they got married was abroad for someone, and that me and dh would go. Some really close family couldn't attend and they were a bit upset. But who is to say they wouldn't have the same problem in reverse. The wedding was great, we saw the homeland of the non British person. But there were people missing.