To not want to see my mother ever again?

[user1498726699]

In brief: My mother cut me off 4 years ago. Said I was never to contact her again, told my siblings something 'shocking' about me (never did find out what) so they blackballed me too.

I was in the throes of a nervous breakdown at the time and forced into therapy which brought up a lot of childhood trauma and abuse which I confronted my mother about.

I have since been diagnosed with complex PTSD (birth and death of DD2 probably triggered it), my mother now knows this as I asked her, via a sibling, to forgive me for 'upsetting' her. I thought I would be the bigger person and put myself out there to try to end the feud for my DC's sake. I assumed I would be ignored as I have been in the past.

Surpringly my mother responded via the sibling saying she wanted to meet me this week. I panicked and was also shocked to discover that she had the same email address that I had sent 2 emails to 3 years ago saying my DC would like to see her. I was suicidal at the time. She ignored me. I had assumed she had changed her email address. I was not allowed to know where she lived or her phone number during the ostracism.

It has hit me that the only reason she wants to reconcile now is because I got on my knees begging basically and saying that I was wrong. So I responded that I am not sure about meeting her right now after so long but I would like to know that my DC will not be ignored if they contact the family (now adult DD was ignored when she tried to contact them all 2 years ago).

My mother responded that she will NEVER forgive me for that pain I caused her. Siblings will never forgive either but my children are welcome and they are always in their thoughts . She is saying this because I said I didn't want to meet her right now. Her ego cannot cope with me not doing what she wants.

I now realise that I never want to see her again which is a revelation to me and I have no feelings for her left at all. I can't imagine being in the same room as her let alone reconciling. I just cannot cope with the fucked upness of me having to beg for forgiveness when she is the one who should be begging for my forgiveness. I mean you see families on Jeremy Kyle where the DC do drugs, booze, steal, get sent to prison but still the parents don't want to lose them. All I did was say how I felt. The pain my mother caused me by cutting me out has been indescribable but I can see now that this is just bullshit. What sparked my mother's narcissistic rage was me telling her that I had learnt my parenting from her when she told me that there was nothing wrong with DS2, his bad behavior was due to me being a shit parent. He was diagnosed with severe learning difficulties after she went NC. I updated her on this and my PTSD last week and she made no reference to it when she replied saying she would never forgive me and my siblings all agree that I had the same childhood as them and was never scapegoated due to reminding her of my absent father/grandmother (she used to tell me I was just like her - fat, ugly, stinking, etc,) who she hated and prevented contact with. Where did I get such an idea ?

During NC my worst fear was her dying and me not knowing. Now I really don't care.

DD has decided she would like to see her now that we are communicating, as she used to love her alot and was really devastated when she blanked her. I don't want her to but can't stop her. A part of me thinks I should meet her and try to keep up the pretence of being sorry if DD is going to bring her back into the family anyway. My biggest worry is DS3 who last saw her at aged 2 so has no memory of her. I don't want him meeting her unless the relationship will be permanent.

I have carried all this guilt of thinking because of me, my DC have lost family. DD used to come home crying when she had been round her best friends Gran's house and when her friends used to mention what they had done with their Nans and Aunties etc.

WWYD?

[SerfTerf]

In brief: My mother cut me off 4 years ago. Said I was never to contact her again, told my siblings something 'shocking' about me (never did find out what) so they blackballed me too.

Oh you poor thing. That's classic scapegoating, manipulation, divide and rule and god knows what else.

Just that first para on its own shows a very toxic dynamic

[user1498726699]

SerfTerf Thanks. It is very toxic but I have my armoury of awareness now. I could probably cope with her but not sure I can be bothered, even to make it easier for DD.

My middle DC are pretty 'meh' about seeing her again (mid teens). They only remember her bringing them carrier bags full of sweets each (to annoy me) and they are past that stage now. Not sure how they will feel later or if they never see her again before she dies.

[magoria]

Do you want your DC to be treated the same? She has already ignored and cut off 1 DC.

You have had to have counselling to deal with your childhood.

Why inflict the person who did this to you on them?

[user1498726699]

DC will certainly not be treated the same. She already tried that which is what forced me to confront her. That is why if DD insists to see her, I will have to be involved to 'police' it iuswim?