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AIBU?

Parents who don't seem to care or be interested

39 replies

Schwanengesang · 23/07/2017 02:47

I guess IABU to think this would ever change really.

DH and I both have siblings with kids. Grandparents are very, very involved with those kids, seeing them nearly every day, babysitting several times a week, taking them to extracurricular activities, paying private school fees, going on holiday with them several times a year, etc. Birth of each grandkid has been met with massive anticipation. Birthdays and Christmases are non-negotiable grandparents MUST be there to make grandkids' days special, help with the party, etc etc. All good — our parents are very good grandparents and clearly love their grandkids a lot.

DH and I have an 8 month old DS. My parents refused to even discuss the pregnancy with us but made it abundantly clear to anyone who would listen that they disapproved on the grounds I am too old, too dysfunctional, too much of a career woman and there are too many people in the world already. DH's parents were nice but clearly not that fussed. We phoned them whenDS was born, they talked about themselves and the other grandkids. First christmas- nothing from any of them. My family all went away together and were uncontactable. DH's family talked about themselves when we phoned them, and only one grandkid even said thanks for the presents we had sent. We visited - DH's parents went out with friends or babysat the other gc the whole time we were there, despite us giving them written notice of exactly when we were available to see them. My family were mostly available but with clear priority in everything for my sister and her kid.

My family have just made the point fir the 3rd time that they have better, more interesting things to do than visit us, this time for DS' first birthday. These things include "the Christmas party season will be started up by then so we'll miss too many lunches and dinners with people if we come over" "[other gc] end of school year concerts will be on then and we need to be here for those" and best of all "well I still need to sort out the front gate and the lawns grow really quickly at that time of year".

DH's parents at least had the tact to just say "no, sorry" when invited rather than rub it in.

Ok, we get it. We are not interesting and you couldn't give a monkey's about DS. We've always been self sufficient, our siblings have always been needy.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off though?

OP posts:
Pallisers · 23/07/2017 02:54

I'd be incandescent - not just a bit pissed off.

But I would also just cut my losses. Wouldn't be arsed visiting, sending pictures, staying in touch particularly. Just would give the relationships the level of interest they do. Focus on your friends instead.

I just can't understand people like this. My in laws and parents loved every single grandchild, were interested in all of them, loved them all.

emesis · 23/07/2017 02:57

That is just so disappointing and hurtful. Have you ever spoken to the siblings about why they might behave in this way?

Meowstro · 23/07/2017 03:41

But I would also just cut my losses. Wouldn't be arsed visiting, sending pictures, staying in touch particularly. Just would give the relationships the level of interest they do. Focus on your friends instead.

^ Agree with this. Don't invite them to anything anymore. It won't be the two of you that has meant your DS hasn't had grandparents around, if they really want to make an effort then they still have time but you can't be chasing them to do so.

Longdistance · 23/07/2017 04:17

Just stop contacting them, and carry on with life without them there to spoil it. God they sound so dull.

SoupDragon · 23/07/2017 04:53

despite us giving them written notice of exactly when we were available to see them.

Why do you give written notice of when you are available? Confused is this not the sort of thing people usually sort out in the phone? And 4 months notice for a 1st birthday party? Do you live in another country?

I do agree that their behaviour is off though. Barring adjustments because they were older when my children came along, my parents have been completely fair and equal in their relationship with all their grandchildren with no favourites.

There is nothing you can do to change them though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2017 04:56

So you sent presents to your sister's kids and to your husband's siblings kids and got nothing either from gps or siblings for your child and only one thank you. Your family can't be bothered to come and celebrate your child's first birthday. You are disapproved of.

Turn away from them. Find alternative grandparent figures for your child. Not necessarily ones, who give presents. Just ones, to enrich your child's experience. Also find alternative aunts, uncles and cousins. You have friends I imagine. Get your child christened/baptised and find godparents, who are willing to commit to this role in and aunt/uncle kind of way.

While you are looking in their direction, you are looking away from possible opportunities of good friends and substitute families.

Purplepinkstone · 23/07/2017 04:59

Poor you. It's not your fault they are like this. You should cut them off and go no contact.

limatusexa · 23/07/2017 05:06

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Creampastry · 23/07/2017 07:26

Stop sending things. Go no contact.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 23/07/2017 07:38

Come and join us and we'll build a family! We travelled 360 miles to see DH family, who gave us 4 hrs of their time. Live closer to my family however they're too busy like op with friends etc at home or away looking after other gc. As in but "Monday's I do Zumba, tues is aquarobics, weds is coffee with the girls, thurs Zumba again then fri you KNOW your DF and I go out for lunch and the weekends so busy" we've been told they may have time to see us end of August/September just need to check nothing else on. We live in next town to them. But then again the first thing said when said I was pregnant was "don't you think I'll be helping out, I'm retired" which is absolutely their right to say but when they will go and look after the other dgc for weeks at a time its a kick in the teeth. DC is a 1.5 now and has seen them 4/5 times about.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 23/07/2017 07:39

Blush sorry for the me-rail!

missiondecision · 23/07/2017 07:41

I'm sorry you are being overlooked. I'm sorry your son hasn't had the love and attention bestowed in the other grandchildren.
Yanbu at all to be pissed off and infact I would stop contacting them or even mentioning my life at all.
Have you ever heard the phase "I don't need anymore friends" ?
Its really sad but I don't think your parents "need
anymore gc. They sound like my pil. Oh so invested in other gc but no interest, I mean no interest in my children at all. It hurts but it's too inconvenient for them to kiss gatherings, cruises, concerts for yet another gc that they so far have no bond with.

missiondecision · 23/07/2017 07:42

Miss not kiss

Mulberryaddict · 23/07/2017 07:46

I hve a few friends who have had this type of situation - maybe not as extreme, but grandparents 'favouring' a sibling and their children.

My own MIL is the same, we don't see her for months on end, she live 15 minutes away. Her reasons are, I don't like to bother you, and, I don't call in case you're busy ! She never comes here except for Xmas day morning, and only then if pressured by DH. Doesn't even take her coat and shoes off though, so clearly has no intention of staying long. She has to get back to her other sons house for her Xmas dinner !

We've got to the point where we think fuck it ! I know it bothers my DH but even his is giving up on trying.

Happyhappyveggie · 23/07/2017 07:47

OP I really sympathise. I have a similar situation but with my mothers husbands grandkids. My mother puts all her energy into those grandkids because her husband demands it and my children, her own grandkids are ignored most of the time. She goes on holiday with the other grandkids and they have a perfect family scenario but my kids, her own flesh and blood, have barely a relationship with her.
I'm virtually no contact now as its been too upsetting and in the end I'd had enough and didn't want my kids growing up feeling that they were less important than anyone else.

Hugs to you- people can be so disappointingly shit Flowers

Saiman · 23/07/2017 07:47

For gps to completely ignore some grandkids and not others is really off.

What was your relationship with them all like before this?

FrancisCrawford · 23/07/2017 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/07/2017 07:57

It seems very unusual that your DH's family aren't bothered with your children but are otherwise good grandparents. What was the relationship like before?

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 23/07/2017 07:58

You're right Francis it just makes me a bit sad that they don't want involvement with our DC in my situation- I even used to almost cover for them if you know what I mean? But now when people including family friends say "oh it must be so handy having your mum so close" I now just say "oh we barely see them, you know how busy they are with social life".

Springersrock · 23/07/2017 08:06

YANBU, but yes, you're right to think it's never going to change.

MiL is exactly the same. DH has always been the family scapegoat, and by extension of that our children are too.

Despite some pretty shitty behaviour from the other grandkids (one has been arrested, another permanently excluded from school) the sun will always shine out of their backsides, everything is always someone else's fault and our kids are always portrayed as the naughty 'bad' kids

DH has stepped back from them the last couple of years. He never did anything right so has simply stopped bothering. In fact, I've just realised that we haven't spoken to them since Christmas. It's much nicer.

zen1 · 23/07/2017 08:20

I would stop bothering with them and just concentrate on the three of you. It'll be a weight off your shoulders.

IzzyHarvey · 23/07/2017 08:28

My DPs parents are seperated, his mother is quite involved with our DCs, not on an everyday basis but always makes the effort for birthdays/christmas. My parents are more involved and come to the end of term things/sports days etc. but they do live closer and have easier work schedules to attend weekday school things.

However DPs dad rarely sees our DC, at first we kept inviting him over, and to all the parties etc. but he would always be busy. We eventually stopped asking and he hasn't seen them in 2 years and our DC can't even remember him! We just make the most of the people who do bother and want to be in their lives rather than dwell on the ones that don't as I'd rather consistant figures in their lives than ones who just pop up now and again!

namechangedforthisreply · 23/07/2017 08:30

OP do you know you've posted this twice?

guinea36 · 23/07/2017 08:31

Silly question but have you told them how you feel?
I think in this case writing a gentle but clear letter expressing your sadness that they do not appear to want to be involved in their GS's life to both sets might help.

Fitzsimmons · 23/07/2017 08:34

That sounds awful OP Flowers

My in-laws are definitely less interested in our kids than those of my SIL but certainly not to the same extent. You must be feeling so hurt. Cut them out entirely. Your child will realise as he gets older that he's treated differently and it would be better for him if he didn't have to deal with that. Find people that do care about him and make them his family.

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