To not want to heard your happy news right now?

[bluebird3]

I've been trying to conceive for 2.5 years and have had two rounds of ivf. The first failed and the second was a bfp but ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks. I'm still in the process of miscarrying and my sister decides now is a good time to ring me and tell me she's happily pregnant. She got married 3 months ago. And she's only 9 weeks along. AIBU to not want to hear about your honeymoon pregnancy whilst still bleeding from my miscarriage???? I mean...she's only 9 weeks. Why did she feel the need to ring me now..(and yes she knows I miscarried 10 days ago). Could she not wait a few weeks?

Wow, that's so insensitive. There is loads of time to tell you - why couldn't she have waited?

I'm so so sorry for your loss, OP.

How shockingly insensitive of her. So sorry for your loss OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there, I mcd at 13 weeks. There was an expectation that, although it was sad, it wasn't a real baby so I should be happy for those who were pregnant. People do not understand. Dealing with long term ttc and infertility is so hard anyway. The thing I learned is that you need to be direct. Say you think she's being insensitive. Don't sugar coat it to spare feelings, no one is considering yours. I'm sorry for your loss. Wishing you lots of luck and a rainbow very soon xx

Bitch. Deliberate ploy to get one over on you judging by her past history.
I wouldn't bother with her unless I had to from now on.

Sorry for your loss been there myself.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm in a similar position, tried for just over two years, had some fertility treatment, became pregnant and then very, very poorly very quickly before I miscarried at 7 weeks. It is awful when you're struggling so much yourself to hear about other news. Five people have announced their pregnancy to me in the last four weeks, all due Dec-Jan. Am heartbroken.

Normally I would say it is hard but you just have to get through it. However, it almost seems like your sister is being deliberately obtuse. Only thing is, when could she have told you and it would be ok? Because you're probably going to be raw for quite some time, and hurt whenever she tells you, simply by dint of your difficult relationship. Yes she shouldn't have told you during your miscarriage, but at the same time you had to find out at some point and the pain might have been just as difficult. Its a year since my miscarriage and I was still heart wrenched to find out about my best friend and also my cousin each being pregnant.

Sending you Try to ignore your sister for now and concentrate on you.

"She had a massive wedding in May and it was all about her."

That's ermmm pretty understandable.

It's clear that you don't like her Op but from what you've posted now she was asking how you were and you were rushing her to get off the phone.

Oh OP I am so so sorry. She was awful to do so. I am so sorry for your loss

This was extremely insensitive by your sister, and it doesn't sound like she had kind motives. However, I have to say that I felt funny when I found out about a close friend's pregnancy through a third party because she (wrongly) assumed that I had fertility issues and was trying to tiptoe around me. I would have preferred it had she just told me (even if I did have fertility issues).

I know I'm being mean and bitter right now. I know that her being pregnant has no bearing on me or my being pregnant. I'm just really hurting and I think that even in a couple of weeks while it would have still been hard, I would have taken in much better to have a bit of distance from my mc. Or even if she was 12 weeks right now, and it was bad timing but it was when they were announcing to the whole world so she had to tell me, I think I would have taken it better. I just don't see why she felt the need to tell me at 9 weeks and as I am having a mc.

My db is getting married in April which is the next time I will see them and I was hoping to bring my own baby to the wedding, but instead they will be bringing theirs. I know I'll get over this and love my niece/nephew but right now I'm just in pain.

This has happened to me ... even down to the part where I was waiting to bleed.

OP this is hard to learn , but life does go on .

And part of life is about being happy for people when they have their own happy news. Trust me , allowing yourself to feel compassion and happy for others will help you to heal far quicker .

blueburd, it's ok to be in pain. I hope I didn't make you feel bad, it wasn't my intention.

Infertility and baby loss really fucking sucks and hurts and breaks you a little bit and you are more than allowed to wallow in it. God knows I have done, and do. I was sobbing my heart out last week because it felt like my cousin gets everything I want, and she gets all the attention for it. I felt and feel petty and mean about it, but its still ok for me to be in pain. I think it's a case of keeping your head down and away from your sister for a little bit, just till you can stick on the smile 'for show'.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Am so sorry for your loss but really want to stick up for your sister. Maybe she wanted to tell you before anyone else so you didn't just hear it through the grapevine. I have been on both sides of this scenario.

So sorry for your loss op.

Miscarriage is so horrendous and I wanted to cry every time I saw a pregnant person or a baby for months afterwards. It was incredibly insensitive of your sister to announce it like that. IMO it would of been better to withhold telling anyone until later in the pregnancy, there's plenty of time for announcements.
My own sister was a complete dick when I had my miscarriage at 13 weeks. She just flat out ignored me and she lives a 2 minute walk away. I had a haemorrhage when I miscarried and sill didn't bother even when I was out of hospital. I mentioned to my parents that I understand people behave oddly sometimes when things like this happen but I was hurt she didn't contact me and they justified her behaviour by telling me she didn't want to talk about it because she's worried one day when she tries to have a family that it will happen to her!!!
She's never even tried to conceive. Still to this day I can't forgive her and look at her completely differently.

I hope you find some peace with your loss although it won't seem like it now. x

I've just read your recent post about you not being close. In that case it's a MAJOR dick move on her part.

Unbelievable that some people are that thoughtless. I don't think you need to have experienced infertility or loss to have the common sense to not behave like that. I'd be fuming. So sorry op x

Thanks everyone who has offered support. I spoke to my mum today who said they'd decided it was better to tell me now so that I didn't find out from someone else. I get that...but she's 9 weeks - why did anyone need to know yet? I just wish she could have been more considerate of my feelings.

People who haven't experienced infertility/loss don't know what it's like. How devastating and how lonely and how desperate it is.

I guess nobody needs to know OP - but it is their wishes .
So in that respect they wanted you to know before they carry out their wishes and tell other people.

You are hurting , but don't let this affect your relationships with people close to you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

She may have not done it very well but I'm not quite sure any time would be good for you. I think, for me, finding everyone else knew and was hiding it from me would be worse.
Maybe she thinks telling you now gives you time to process it before she tells everyone.
When I got pg I told dsis way before everyone else because of her loss. I didn't tell her to upset her, nor did I want her to rejoice with me, but I wanted her to be able to have time to feel angry and upset before she had to face friends/relatives talking about it.
She appreciated it.

OP, I could have written that. I also failed 2 rounds of IVF and last year and during our annual family reunion my sis made my niece suprised everyone that she's having a baby brother, first grandson in the family too. My parents knew how broken I had felt and were awkward after the announcement though they had wanted a grandson for the longest time. But that's not the part that made me upset. In the evening we were talking about my horrible IVF journey and I was clearly quite upset and teary. She suddenly asked 'How do you feel about it then?' I said 'Obviously rotten, upset.' She said 'Nooooo, about being an auntie again!!' I was gobsmacked. I love my niece and now my nephew but I don't think I will ever forget her insensitivity and lack of heart. I still have to endure her asking 'When is your turn?' these days as if I could magic a baby out of me.

IVF failure/miscarriage sucks, it completely broke me and I completely feel for you. I hope things will look up for both of us

Ah I'm sorry about her being so insensitive and maybe in some way she didn't understand having not been through it?
It's a shitty journey and I've found personally that only the people on it truly understand.
My best friend told me the day I got the news that our 2nd cycle hadn't worked that she'd been for an abortion that day and that she had to be extra careful as her and bf (of a month) were just super fertile.
Some people are just shits! And completely unaware of anyone else.

I'm sorry for everyone else who has also had losses/infertility/generally a shit time. I know people dont, and can't understand what it's like. And I do get that she probably wasn't tying to intentionally upset me, but I can't understand why she would think it was a good idea to tell me 7 days after I was told I was miscarrying. Surely most people would realise that feelings were raw at that point and postponing it a couple of weeks would be better?

Urgghh. It doesn't really matter. Like I have for the last 2.5 years, I have to plaster in a fake smile and pretend like I'm ok.

It's not always a bad thing to put on a smile and fake it ... it helps us get through until such a time when the smile is genuine.

I disagree NoMud: there are times when doing that can worsen mental health.

Well there are two ways of looking at this:

If she'd acknowledged it was a difficult time for you, there's no good time blah blah and it was difficult for her to tell you, BUT if she phoned with fab news, isn't it great, can't wait to tell everyone, then she is an arse.

So sorry for your loss OP. I just want to say something about the 9 weeks thing that is bothering you so much. Most people that I know of tell close family (parents and siblings) much much sooner than 12 weeks. Many at 4, 5 or 6 weeks. She will have probably known she was pregnant for 5 weeks already and was maybe (purely speculating here) going to tell everyone sooner but held off considering your news.

But it sounds like you and her don't get on so her motives may not be so pure.