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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not accept kids party invite

44 replies

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/07/2017 17:13

I think I've already decided but I've no DP around at the mo so I'm wavering as to whether I've got my head on straight...

Dd has been invited to a party. They used to be friends but I can see they have drifted apart (she says he smacks her and pinches her - I've always said to go to the teacher if it's on purpose and he hurts her)

He's invited her to his party. It's an activity thing. Which she also doesn't want to do. Nothing crazy but she's not one for new things.

His mum and I have an interesting past...she originally blanked me for ages at school (including diving into an alleyway to avoid me) then went all nicely and smiley and hounded me so she could invite herself round for a play date (which was horrific and is a whole thread in itself) then when that ended badly she went back to ignoring me. DH suspects she hates me. Found out I work from home so good for childcare. Trying to ingratiate herself and get them together. Then when it didn't work out and she couldn't say 'oh they play so well together we should do this more often' she buggered off again and found another mug mum

I don't want it to trigger off more hassle/blanking/bitchy comments. But I don't think she should go. If it was someone else I think I'd try to push her into trying something new (she'd probably really like it!) But as she says 'I've given you two good reasons' (!) so I feel I should respect her. It's just my dp says to not let my mistrust of his mum colour my judgement.

Phew that's a long rant. Thanks for getting to the end of it. I just wanted some other perspectives.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2017 18:34

So she has a meltdown. You say, "sorry you're upset". Then next time you say, "it's cool if you don't want to go but remember last time when you wished you had". She'll learn eventually.

SecretNutellaFix · 22/07/2017 18:49

You can't taint a relationship she does want to be a part of.

She doesn't like him, so she doesn't want to be around him which is absolutely mature and logical. Why would you pressure her into consenting to be with someone who is mean to her when most people sensibly advise to stay away from someone who is being nasty to you?

How old are the children?

UpYouGo · 22/07/2017 18:53

Making a decision, regretting it later and feeling upset are all perfectly normal and natural reactions.

It's ok for your DD to be upset, you don't need to try and protect her from those feelings.

Original poster

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/07/2017 18:58

Because I've witnessed them being ok together at other parties. I've seen them chatting as normal. She's just not as keen on him as he is any more. They still play at school together with other friends.

And yes. We've tried that tactic many many many times. This is not the first party she has refused to go to. We have been down that road of refusal, regret, meltdown many times. And we have had the same conversation over and over again. We have had years of this. Hence why we are now trying to gently encourage things. Otherwise she would quite literally never try anything new or go anywhere new or speak to anyone new.

OP posts:

MsHarry · 22/07/2017 18:59

Give it the swerve, trust your instincts.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/07/2017 19:02

But as she says 'I've given you two good reasons' (!)

What age is she? she sounds mature enough to make the decision. Just remind her its a RSVP, its entirely her decision, but once she has replied she cant change her mind later.

If she has a meltdown remind her again and ignore.

Swirlingasong · 22/07/2017 19:04

If you have the invite now, presumably the party is over the holidays? If so, lots won't be able to go and they'll have all forgotten about it by September so not much risk your dd will hear much about the great time her friends had anyway I'd have thought.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/07/2017 19:15

Want to know what happened on the playdate now

Original poster

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/07/2017 19:16

She's five. She's made the decision to distance herself from him which is fair enough. But as I said I've seen them still chat to each other. She won't dodge him if she sees him coming. And - to confuse matters, I casually asked who she'd invite to her party (not for ages...just trying to gauge reaction) and he was on the list.

Weallhavewings - changing her mind has been a recurring phrase! We have reiterated till we're blue in the face that once she's made that decision she has to stick by it but inevitably it ends in tears.

Also the party's in September - think mum is just being organised so unfortunately we're not away on holiday/she won't forget all about it

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/07/2017 19:22

If your daughter decides not to go to the party, it might be a nice gesture, to send a small birthday gift, showing no hard feelings, and hopefully keeping the peace.

Original poster

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/07/2017 19:25

Serial - oh god I don't think I can go over the play date! It was just awful (and probably very outing if I recount it exactly!)

Suffice to say, she sat on her phone on Facebook and totally ignored me. Said she had to go and the minute she left he started misbehaving - whispering to dd to go and do the one bloody thing I had a rule against in our house. He wouldn't stop. Was sneaking around to try and get to the stuff he wasn't supposed to.

his mum came back. He refused to leave. Sat on the hall floor. She said he could do the one thing I said not to (!) Then he wouldn't leave. They spent nearly half an hour in DDs room. Her issuing threats. Counting to three. Shouting. While dd and I stood in the hall....and her younger dd was waiting in the car outside.

When they left dd said to me 'his mum was naughty. She said to break the rule'. And I couldn't really argue with her...

OP posts:

Beeziekn33ze · 22/07/2017 19:26

If you can take DD to the activity during the holiday, with a friend she's happy with, she'll probably want to try it again in September! 5 year olds can be inclined to change their minds quite often. I reckon!

GreenTulips · 22/07/2017 19:28

Problem with school friends in school is they have to play together - they are in groups or teams etc you can avoid the kids you'd rather not be around
The other side is kids like to be included - which is more important to them than the fickle friendships

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/07/2017 19:34

How handy though to have this invitation looming like the sword of Damocles to look forward to when the Mum asks you for a playdate/childcare over the holidays .
Decline it for the reasons you outline or she might get her claws into you again >

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2017 19:34

She's slow-approach. It's one of a few very constant personality traits. You will never make a slow-approach child fast and you will never make my fast-approach kid slow. So I understand that you want to encourage more risk and more experiences.

Teaching her that she is slow-approach and more cautious and how to manage that is a great idea. She needs a run-up, needs to know that she can just watch rather than having to jump in, that she can change her mind.

That is separate to this.

Original poster

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/07/2017 20:07

Thanks Mrs TP. That's really interesting. I'm going to look all that up now. I never really thought about it other than she's very shy (and likes to keep her head down in class)

Instinctively we've already tried letting her watch things first so she can see what's going to happen. (I had a panic when she was repeatedly put first in her group for all the team obstacle races in the sports day...I knew she wouldn't like that)

Its very tough. I don't want to force her into anything. But at the same time she just blanket says no to everything so if she had her way she'd do absolutely nothing!

OP posts:

JiggyTuff · 22/07/2017 20:34

The party is in September and she has already handed out invites? Oof! That's like a wedding level of importance. Honestly - tells you everything you need to know eg Wide Birth needed.

And MrsTP is very wise :)

Serialweightwatcher · 22/07/2017 20:44

aaaaargghhhhelpme oh dear - sounds delightful .... definitely don't think your Dd should go

emmyrose2000 · 22/07/2017 23:36

Unless your DD is actually there watching them, how is she going to get upset that the other kids are doing an activity that she then wishes she could try?

Just decline and move on. I don't understand why you seem intent on wanting her to go. Don't even mention it to DC again. She'll probably soon forget about it.

she says he smacks her and pinches her
Under these circumstances I wouldn't let her go even if she wanted to.

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