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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I struggle with this more than most?

22 replies

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 15:12

I feel a bit of a knob for posting about this or even thinking it might be a real problem, so bear with me!

I seem to get overwhelmed when other people don't. For example, today was DD's last dance class of term, and they invite families in to watch. DH and I were there with toddler DS, who was doing what toddlers do - pottering about between me and DH, playing with stuff in my bag and so on. We both supervised him and stopped him being too disruptive, and he made it through the hour without getting shouty or running off - it was fine. So I was handling that, plus watching DD dance, plus smiling at parents I recognised. Not all that taxing, right? I mean, DH was doing all the same stuff and he was fine.

By the time we got out to the car I felt at the end of my tether. I nearly burst into tears when DH started whistling as he drove, because I couldn't take in one more bit of stimulus without losing the plot. So I asked him to stop in a sort of strangled growl, and closed my eyes until I felt better, and then apologised. Luckily he's used to me and knew what was going on so didn't take it personally.

I've never been able to go clubbing and missed out on loads of nights out as a student, because the noise and the crowd is too much to cope with. I panic in cars if they change speed or direction suddenly - not due to any fear of accidents, just because the feeling of acceleration and deceleration is startling and horrible (I will never, ever set foot on a rollercoaster). I have been known to abandon my trolley and run out of supermarkets because the lights and people and colours were making me freak out. It's worse if DH is there too because then I have to process his presence as well - where is he, is he talking to me, is he about to walk past an aisle we need. If he touches me in that state I'll flinch or push him away because it's another piece of input that my brain can't handle. Even at home, if everyone's chatting, I sometimes close my eyes and cover my ears to get a break from the sound before I end up getting irritable and snapping at someone.

I think I've always been like this but it's becoming harder to ignore with small children around - not known for bringing calm and peace. Usually in the morning I have to ask DD to stop talking to me for a bit because my brain's getting full and I need to focus on getting everyone ready. I try hard to do that early on while I'm still able to say it kindly rather than snapping! She knows about Mum's tizzies and she knows it's not her fault, but I'd rather just not have the tizzy at all.

I have had an anxiety diagnosis in the past and it's definitely worse when my anxiety is bad, but it can happen any time, even when I'm otherwise feeling good. I've heard autistic friends talk about struggling to process sensory stuff and their descriptions sound familiar, but otherwise I'm totally NT.

Does everyone secretly feel like this and I'm just being dramatic about it? Or is it a thing? Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 22/07/2017 15:13

Sounds perfectly normal to me, but then I'm autistic (with anxiety)!

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 15:23

I like peace and quiet as much as the next person, in fact I won't have tv on if I'm alone, I don't like the noise. But I'm sorry no I don't have your reaction. It could be anxiety, it could be something else, but I'd say it's outwith the range of " normal" reactions, especially the supermarket.

Saiman · 22/07/2017 15:24

I am the same. Work is exhausting and i often go to off to the toilets at the far end of the building that are usually empty and sit for a while

Saiman · 22/07/2017 15:26

Oh and i often wear headphones and play my own music in publics places. Especially when shopping.

I dont even attempt shopping centres at the weekend.

Bairnsmum05 · 22/07/2017 15:27

Having worked with lots of adults with ASD, SPD came to mind when reading your post. I know that this diagnosis is hopefully going to be stand alone in the future for diagnostic purposes which I assume means that it can be experienced separately to ASD?

Mistoffelees · 22/07/2017 15:28

I have to ask my DH for 'quiet time' when I get in from work but I don't think that's exactly the same. Have your tried wearing ear plugs or listening to white noise through headphones when you're out and about on your own?

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 16:05

Thanks all, some food for thought. I admit I hadn't thought of headphones. I used to use them a lot as a teen (maybe as a coping mechanism now I think of it) but haven't for years.

Saiman, that sounds familiar - at uni I located a quiet toilet to hide in and had a calming sit in there most days in between classes. Grin

OP posts:
steamboatwilly123 · 22/07/2017 16:24

I get like this, a kind of sensory overload? Regular quite moments and headphones help me a lot.

steamboatwilly123 · 22/07/2017 16:26

*quiet moments

SueGeneris · 22/07/2017 16:42

I am like you. I had to go upstairs for quiet time at my grandpa's 80th birthday party! (Just family, in my aunt's house.) I also ask my dc every day to stop talking to me when we are getting ready to leave for school because I just cannot handle any more input and it causes me to forget stuff. I also abandoned my friend's 21st birthday party (many years ago) and can stand only a limited amount of time in any shops. The visual/sensory onslaught is massive. Even if I go for three items I will forget something unless I have a list as the experience is like:

DOORS! PEOPLE! BASKETS! MASSIVE LIGHTS! FLOWERS! APPLES! BISCUITS! SOUP! VEGETABLES! MAGAZINES! PEOPLE! SUPERMARKET SMELL! NOISE! FLOOR!

A bit like that (more so!) Maybe it's just me. And I do feel exhausted trying to calmly navigate all these inputs, all the time. I also utterly hate rollercoaster, even children's ones, taking off in an aeroplane.

I don't know if it's generally normal or not.

RyanStartedTheFire · 22/07/2017 17:45

DOORS! PEOPLE! BASKETS! MASSIVE LIGHTS! FLOWERS! APPLES! BISCUITS! SOUP! VEGETABLES! MAGAZINES! PEOPLE! SUPERMARKET SMELL! NOISE! FLOOR!
Oh my god, yes. Then I snap at DDs because I am so stressed out Sad working on it.

RyanStartedTheFire · 22/07/2017 17:47

Any other tips than headphones? I can't wear them in public because I think people can hear me breathing. Weirdo.

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 17:50

Sue, yes, that's just what shops are like. And I hate taking off in planes too. I'm OK in the air because it doesn't feel like anything much is happening, but hate the zooming and engine noise of takeoff.

OP posts:
mrsroboto · 22/07/2017 17:53

I'm similar - not quite to that extent but can relate. Overloading stimulus can include bright sunlight flickering on and off through the bus window, for example! Or just the act of speaking to people I don't know well while keeping an eye on toddler - I end up being not very articulate and saying inappropriate things.

NamelessEnsign · 22/07/2017 18:02

Oh I'm exactly like this! I thought it was a classic introvert thing but perhaps it is more a sensory processing thing. It's not surprising that having children makes it worse; presumably you are always on the cusp of not coping and it only takes an additional thing to tip you over the edge?

When I am feeling like this, I retreat with a book or a phone; anything I can concentrate quietly on. When I'm maxed out, any additional sensory input is experienced like physical pain; I get goosebumps; I flinch; my skin crawls. I have been this way for a long time but stress and anxiety make it worse.

I do score highly for autistic spectrum behaviour online but definitely no formal or medical diagnosis so I just assumed that these traits are interlinked.

You really aren't alone!

livingthegoodlife · 22/07/2017 18:02

I'm very similar too. As far as I know im NT.

One thing I suffer with is when I get sensory overload like this when the children are jibber jabbering at me, some other noise (eg washing machine on) is that my hands seem to forget what to do. I drop stuff, break stuff, forget completely what I'm doing etc.

I was in open plan office last two weeks, I have to answer phone and embarrassingly forgot key words or phrases because my brain is trying to process all the background noise too.

I get so so tired from it all. Sometimes I fall asleep/need a nap just to get some quiet.

I have RA but doubt that is anyway related.

You're not alone!!

Liiinoo · 22/07/2017 18:25

You do seem to be struggling more than most and it sounds like that is your 'normal'. Comparing yourself to other people whose 'normal' is different is pointless.

I am quite similar to you and DH used to get frustrated with me retreating when I became overwhelmed and I used to stress myself by exposing myself to more noise and people than I could comfortably stand . However we have both now accepted that my capacity to tolerate these things is limited just as my (shortarse) ability to reach a high shelf is limited and we roll with it. Equally I have accepted that while I can multitask and whizz round a messy house straightening things up in a jiffy he will take hours to micro-clean one corner of the garage. Horses for courses.

Huffletuff · 22/07/2017 18:40

This is all pretty typical of anxiety.

Cagliostro · 22/07/2017 18:45

Another similar person here, I am autistic (Aspergers type).

I am extremely anxious but didn't actually realise it until a few years ago. It had been my 'baseline' for such a long time that I had no idea it wasn't normal to be so paranoid and on edge all the time

PickAChew · 22/07/2017 18:52

It sounds like you're very sensory defensive. It's a bugger. I'm better than I used to be, but I think that's because I've got better at finding my way through potentially triggering situations eg taking quiet back streets instead of the main road through the city centre, shopping at quiet times, avoiding supermarkets with cramped aisles and loud tinned music, making sure I'm well hydrated and visit the loo regularly (because being stuck next to a pack of loud, bouncy, smelly gobshites on a bus is more likely to send me over the edge if I'm a little thirsty or need a wee)

MSLehrerin · 22/07/2017 18:52

I'm exactly like this and definitely do not have ASD / anxiety. I get stressed in shooing centres with bright lights, noise, dodging around people etc. and like a PP said have difficulty organising lots of things simultaneously. I think some of us are just wired a wee bit differently to others.

PickAChew · 22/07/2017 18:53

Forgot the checklist I'd meant to link
www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/adult-SPD-checklist.html

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