To expect my husband to do what I say when looking after our child?

[Nurse15]

So the title makes me seem a bit controlling I realise, but hear me out!!

We have a 12 week old with severe reflux. For 10 weeks I breastfed until she started to feed refuse. We then switched her over to nutramigen milk, had 4 hospital admissions with baby not eating and eventually we are now on neocate milk with a combination of omeprazole and carobel which seems to be working for her so far (somewhat!)

She still screams for periods throughout the day and during these periods you can hear the reflux coming up her throat and her swallowing it down again, during these times nothing soothes her you just have to hold her until it passes. She hadn't slept last night from 12.30 - 4.45 when I asked my husband (who sleeps in a separate room) to come in and look after her for a bit to allow me to get some sleep. She hadn't had a bottle from 1.30 so I told him to feed her as she was awake and restless. 6.15 came and she is screaming, I go in to see what the fuss is about and he was only giving her a bottle then. He was stressed out the the max because she was screaming and he was jiggling her up and down and trying to wind her so hard it can't have been comfortable for her. I've told him at least 1000 times not to jiggle her or wins her vigorously because it makes her reflux worse. He then proceeds to say that she never settles with him. At this point I told him it was because he never does anything I tell him, he ignores all the advice I give him about caring for her and he doesn't spend enough time with her. I've been wanting to say this for weeks but knew it would annoy him and so haven't. He was off on a weeks holidays last week and spent more time polishing his car than with the baby.

I'm sick of him walking about the house in a mood over the baby and being told what to do with her, he always feels like he knows best but just annoys her more so she screams more. Was I unreasonable to say that to him this morning? He's very annoyed now but I feel like it had to be said. After 12 weeks of her being here he refuses to acknowledge that I might know how to look after her as I do it 24hours a day mon - fri when he's at work. I'm sick being nice to him when clearly it doesn't get us anywhere

I'm sure that a lot of people on here will accuse you of being controlling but I agree with you. The happiness of your baby comes first, and if you have had the experience in settling her and know what works, then he should listen to you.

I've found that getting my dh to read articles saying the same shit I've tried to explain to him works. This is the worst part of parenthood. The baby has no manual, you go on instinct and often the dad can feel one step removed. He needs to step up, so try and make sure you aren't 'rescuing' him from the baby. My dh insists on holding our 6 month old in the cross cradle position after a feed and gets stressed when she kicks off. He will turn to me and ask me to settle her and I often say 'no, she's got wind, hold her upright'. He does, she burps and all is good. I avoid saying 'I've told you 6 million times...' even though I have. You will get through this. In 4 weeks time things will be much better. In 8 weeks, better again and in 12 weeks this shit will be a distant memory. Hang in there.

I think it's a tough situation for you all. Made worse by sleep deprivation and knowing that your child is in pain and not being able to really do anything about it.

Rather than tell him what to do, maybe it's best to demonstrate? My DD had bad reflux (by the sound of it not quite as severe as yours) and my wife and I worked together to find solutions to helping her deal with it. So, rather than tell him what to do find an opportunity to do it together. That way when 4:30am rolls round and he's in charge he'll know what to do.

Glad I'm not being totally unreasonable - for the past 12 weeks I've tried showing him articles, showing him how, telling him how and he refuses to listen. Hence why this morning I basically just took the hard line with him and told him he needed to stop jiggling her and winding her so vigorously it was making her reflux worse and he needs to stop. Two minutes later he was sat on the sofa jiggling her up and down

Needless to say I took her set her on my chest upright and rocked in our rocking chair and she settled and fell asleep. I could strangle him! (To clarify, the husband not the baby!)

You shouldn't have to tell him what to do with the baby. He should know as well. My DP asked me what to do with the baby all the time as I'd 'read more' he was off st the time and I told him to do his own reading. We should both know how to look after the baby, it shouldn't be down to one person!

I think that what has happened here that you have 'got the hang' of caring for your dd more than you dp for obvious reasons. It is very disempowering to be given a set of instructions that don't seem to work and I would guess he feels helpless and useless. He sounds like ge might be avoiding getting too involved because of this.

Since feeding is the issue could you perhaps involve him in some other aspects of baby care where he might have more success? Perhaps nappy changing or bathing. I am sure his tension will be communicated to your dd and that does not help. He is probably all fingers and thumbs but needs to build his confidence in baby care so you can share the tasks and both get the most out of this special time. More rest for you too!

"He was off on a weeks holidays last week and spent more time polishing his car than with the baby."

Twat.

I reckon he's ignoring you and doing it wrong on purpose, so he has the perfect excuse to give the baby back to you and get on with polishing his car (or whatever activity he prefers to parenting).

What is with people who obsessively polish their cars, anyway?!

Might be worth leaving him to it while you make yourself scarce for half a day.

Fuck knows @AnotherEmma

And I think you could be right!!

OP, you are your child's main career thus know her needs the best.

He sounds like an utter selfish ball bag. If he doesn't want to, he won't, regardless of his daughter's sufferings. In regard to polishing his car, you need to sit down and lay down the law. He's effectively neglecting her to a point he's putting her in extreme pain and discomfort due to his own ignorance and ego. This needs addressing. Now.

I think you just have to leave him to it and let him find out for himself what works and what doesn't. Find opportunities for him to spend more time alone with the baby. Go out if you can't bear to witness it. They will find their own way together and create their own bond which will be unique and precious to them both.

YANBU.
Yes, he should know what to do, but clearly, this is not his forte. (There's another thread ATM about men who can't seem to do laundry. It sounds ridiculous but it's true.)
Also, it's worth remembering that you're probably both really tired at the moment. Try not to stress too much.

After reading your update agree he's deliberately ignoring you. You need to be direct and ask him why. Challenge him. Tell him how hard you are finding it and it's made worse by the fact that you are doing it alone. My dh struggled to bond with our second dd. Id had a mmc, she had to be resuscitated at birth. I managed to successfully establish bf, something that didn't happen with my first as I had lactation failure. Dh kept going on about how things were so much harder with dd2, but dd1 had colic and screamed none stop for 12 hours a day. Dd2 was a breeze. He struggled to bond out of the trauma wed endured with her birth and me bfing and therefore doing 90% of the care. I was sympathetic to start with but after a while I lost my shit and told him he needed to step up. He wasn't going to form a bond until he started being proactive. It started with him doing every bath time. I expressed and left him with her for a few hours. We moved to ff at 4 months and fully ff by 5.5 months which meant I could hand her over and insist he did all bottle feeds. I think you need to lay it on the line. I sympathise, but sticking his head in the sand will not improve anything.

I think your only mistake is holding your tongue for so long. It's pig ignorant of him to ignore advice that obviously works.

I complained to my mum at a similar time of the same thing. She said looking after your child is something you do instinctively, not through being told generally. And that he would find his way in time but that he has less of that time so it will take longer. For example if it took you 8 hours to figure out not to jiggle that's one day. That might be 4 days for him if he only sees baby 2 hours in the evening. Also the way baby settles for him might be different for you. It is really frustrating but she was right. My lo doesn't like being rocked by me, but will fall asleep happily being rocked by my husband (bigger arms?). He will find his way. It's all early days yet. But he does need to step up and do more not just escape to his car!

What the actual fuck ? How does he not understand jiggling a reflux baby is bad ? He needs to do more parenting not less. Why is he going on holiday? Is it without you ???

Oh and stop the sleeping in separate rooms too - now she is ff he needs to do a night feed or two!

I came on here expecting to post a "Ffs, stop being so precious" bit mo, you are absolutely right. Your baby has a medical condition and her needs come first. Every time.

If he had acid heart burn, would he want to be jiggled about? Of course he bloody wouldn't. The fact that you keep telling him and he ignores you shows that he thinks you are talking rubbish.

Fairenuff you may have a point but not in this situation as he appears to show no real understanding of the baby's medical needs.

@prettywhiteguitar he isn't? He was off work on holiday last week (12th of July holidays here in NI!) I maybe didn't make that the clearest when reading, apologies!

I've thought about it and read all of the replies and I think the majority of you pinpointed it - he needs to do more with her. However until he accepts that he needs to be gentle with her and not jiggle her lots then I'm not willing to leave her with him, it is t fair on her. Unfortunately my mother is of the opinion that she should be left to cry it out and so I can't leave her with anyone

I never understand people who don't want to learn from those with the knowledge and experience. Sorry for you OP

I think your only mistake was to take over and rock her to sleep in the rocking chair.

Next time she needs settling, sit him in the rocking chair, position the baby and leave him to it.

Sometimes people (and I'm mainly thinking the male of our species) just block what their partners/spouses are saying and if you take over they think they are off the hook. Can you get him / Mum along to visit the HV with you and get her to explain the care of babies with reflux. I know it's a pain but the message needs to be heard and if they're not listening to you, maybe they will listen to a health care pro. Once you have someone else on the same page, the message will get through to others much faster.

Am even more annoyed now as she has jut woken up - I always change her nappies before feeds so roughly 3 hourly. Her nappy was so wet the urine was making her skin wet. When I asked DH if he'd changed her at 4am (I had done it at 1am) he said no he didn't realise it needed done. Seriously 12 weeks in and he doesn't know when she needs her nappy changed?!

So get him to change her and resettle her. Don't take over. He will only learn if you allow him the opportunity to.