to stop doing EVERYTHING with ex for DD

[LibbyLooLoos]

We split when DD was young, she is now 6. We have had our rows from time to time but are fairly amicable and have until now done birthday parties and christmas together (neither of us has moved on romantically).

DD loves having us both together and I like that she isn't torn between us or us competing on birthdays, we also normally put the mone together and buy a bigger gift between the two of us, so we aren't in competition.

However as the years have gone on my ex is more and more lazy and I am the one booking the birthday venue, working out the best gift (she is with me mon-fri), buying the gifts cake etc. and he turns up at t he party and plays brilliant dad.

I am soo tired of it because I do 99% of the effort but split the "reward". I am torn because this set up works for DD and she loves having both families etc. together but I would rather we did things seperatley from now. AIBU??

Lovely though this may seem for your DD at the moment, I'm not convinced this is doing any of you any favours long term - at least, not how it is at the moment. Chances are you will both move on romantically at some point and then the new partner will be blamed in your DD's eyes for splitting up your family birthday and Christmases.

Can you start by tapering off a little? E.g. For Christmas this year you have her for the morning and Christmas lunch and afternoon, your ex pops round for a joint christmas tea and then takes DD off for Boxing Day. That way you retain a little of the togetherness for this year, but not all. Then next year, do a little less. Maybe have her party as you organising only but your ex has some birthday cake and a cup of tea when he comes to get her. That way she's not losing it all at once but you're getting away from doing everything for the lazy arsehole.

I never understand people who do this it's just playing at happy families

You're not a family anymore and dd needs to know that

My eldest dc is from my first marriage we are amicable but I'd never do things as a family and i never have!

Yes I know this isn't sustainable but ex thinks it is .

Last year I began seeing someone (ex knew and was okay with it) but once things got close to thinking about moving into a 'relationship' he admitted the ex thing bothered him and kind of gave me an ultimatum. At the time I thought I was putting DD first by ending things but ay yh4 same time I can't put my life on hold and can't see me and a DP or ex and DP having a cosy christmas all together!

I raised the issue with my ex once and he shut me down saying I was being selfish as DD loves how it is and said that he isn't bothered about having a DP.

You say he has become lazy - and then you mention a whole long list of things you do for the birthday. I am wondering if some of this does not simply reflect different values - rather than laziness?

Venue booking, big presents, etc etc sounds like quite a production with which he might be uncomfortable, but given your state as separated parents he might simply not want to address it directly in fear of causing a rift and a fight. I would suggest a conversation to start with - open minded and open ended. Not accusatory, but: What is it you would want for DC's birthday to happen?

Maybe he is indeed lazy. Or maybe he would like a change to what is happening but prefers to address this in a passive way instead of tackling it heads on.

Scalp his bluff and say ok - but you shop/cook on Christmas Day and organise all the presents etc and it has to be up to the standard DD is used to or it's not fair on her. Keep an eye on him and if and when you see he's being lazy about it you can then step in and insist on doing things separately because he's made it clear he's only after an easy life, not doing the best by DD.

As an aside I agree with PP that you should gradually taper things off anyway. You can be amicable but the family unit as it once was has gone and it'll be confusing for your DD if she sees you both getting on well enough to do all these things together yet can't live together.

*call his bluff - dont know where scalp came from!

Lurking DD has had a few different type birthdays over the years as shes grown, the first few were more garden/family parties or a trip out etc. I appreciate we may have different ideas but whatever it is we do I end up organising/booking/sorting and since DD has been at school she wants more of a hall/bouncy castle party than a family one.

When my parents separated in my early teens, we did a lot of the fake happy family stuff at the start. We all hated it, apart from my Dad (the philanderer, but that's a whole other story). So consider whether this is something your daughter actually enjoys, or whether it's just a temporary stopgap that she'll eventually hate. I appreciate she's a lot younger, but I suppose that just makes it all the more confusing for her, seeing Mum and Dad do things jointly when they're not actually together. So the kind thing would be to taper off these joint celebrations etc now so the new normal can be established as painlessly as possible.

I don't see an issue with throwing a birthday party at a venue and your DD's dad coming. Even coming with a partner and you having a partner there. How do birthdays normally go?
If it's a case of you are fed up of organising and paying every year and can't/won't do it anymore then why not suggest that you take turns to throw her a party? She will be 7 next, if you did this one (which is sounds like) she's old enough to know that you and dad have decided to take turns, so next year she needs to talk to her dad about it.

If he was coming over and spending all day with you both in your home and playing happy families then I'd see an issue. Which is why I'd find Christmas strange.

Separated parents all have their own way of doing Christmas. You need to find a way that does work for you because this isn't any longer. Some DP will be okay with hosting a family Christmas and inviting DD dad, others won't. It's up to you to decide what you want.

I think you should definitely start to taper off the joint activities. The key is that you are already wondering if you should do it.
A close friend of mine did this until the children were secondary school age, trying to show a happy united front for the children, it ended up with disastrous consequences. She felt that enough time had passed and met a new partner, her ex then told her that he was still in love with her. The current situation is very fractured.