To wish I could be more like my dd.

[Girlwithgreeneyes76]

So it was Awards night on Wednesday for my Dd. She is a quiet hard working girl who just gets on with it.
She did amazingly well as she was nominated for 5 Awards in total.
However, today she told me that she had spoken to one of her subject teachers who told her that she should have won that subject. Based on her consistently high results in tests etc I am inclined to agree.
Now my Dd has taken this totally in her stride partly helped by the fact that her best friend won it.
Me, not so much. Obviously I am not going to say anything to Dd or the school but I can't help feeling that life really isn't fair for quiet kids who just get on with it. The girl who won is also well behaved but is more assertive.
I guess the solution is for Dd to be more assertive but I still think it stinks.
Aibu

Congratulations to your daughter being nominated for so many awards -
she's clearly done excellently. I'd have thought her being nominated shows she is being noticed, plus quiet doesn't necessarily mean she isn't confident. Taking not winning that particular award in her stride is also good I think - it shows she's able to handle disappointment, not winning and also is a good friend being pleased for her best friend winning it even though she was nominated for it as well.

It sounds like she'd doing very well and will doubtless continue to.

I'm not sure the solution is for your dd to be anything other than she is: she has been nominated for 5 awards- which is amazing!- and is mature enough to be happy about that rather than focus on the award she didn't get.

If she keeps this attitude she will be one of those people who move forward in life rather than let themselves be held back by focusing on unfairness and negatives.

School might want to share the awards round a bit especially as your dd has got 5 already (which I'm sure she deserves). When I nominate for awards in school I rarely give it to the highest achieving pupil, not because they don't deserve it (they do), but because I know they will receive loads of awards anyway. There are always tons of deserving pupils and only 1 award per subject. So I try to give it to someone who has made tremendous progress or overcome challenges in their learning etc (and no I do not mean the naughty kids!). They are often very hard working middle ability kids who are often overlooked. It's nice to share it around a bit.

For every 4 or 5 high achieving types and 4 or 5 badly behaved, not learning types, there's 15-20 middle of the road types not being recognised for anything.

Bitter experience of being one of them, and parenting 2 of them. No awards or even nominations for any of us.

The fact your DD was nominated for 5 awards is amazing.

Congratulations to your daughter who seems to see hard work and good grades as their own rewards, and doesn't get all het up about school awards.

That kind of work ethic can only stand her in good stead as she moves forward in life, and that kind of attitude can only stand her in good stead as she spends the rest of her life with people who have been brought up to expect a ticker-tape parade for getting out of bed in the morning!!!

If the teacher thinks the award was wrongly allocated, she shouldn't have spoken to your dd about it in the first instance? What on earth was the point of that?

I think it was totally wrong for the teacher to say that. Are you sure it was actually you should have won rather than along the lines of you've done really well and I was hard put to choose between you? Or I nominated you and was disappointed you didn't get it.
Maybe your dd isn't so bothered about the remark as she knows that.

There was nothing gained by the teacher saying that really, and an awful lot that could be lost:
Your dd feeling resentful, other child being upset and feeling they didn't deserve it, you complaining etc.

If she got nominated for 5 awards then she's not exactly being overlooked is she? You can't claim that she's the quiet shy type being overlooked in favour of the louder ones in that situation.

UntilTheCows this is exactly the type of hard working child I and my dept like to choose!

Thank you for the replies. There were lots of Awards for non academic stuff and effort etc to make it inclusive.
The Award concerned was a straightforward achievement Award for highest achievement. Her subject teacher told her as was number one in the school. The other issue is that all her previous teachers/ Department Heads for that subject are gone so she had no one to fight her corner.
Her best friend was nominated for 3 Awards and won two of them. The same subjects that Dd was nominated for although the second subject was unexpected for Dd.
I guess it just seemed unfair that Dd received all those nominations clearly from her subject teachers who know her but it feels like that because she is one of unnoticed children as far as the SLT are concerned she was overlooked for an actual award.

But the main thing is that Dd is not upset and no doubt will go on to do great things in her best subjects. She doesn't need a trophy to do this.

Thank you for replies.

It sounds like you are jumping to conclusions here. If her best friend won two awards and she didn't win any then it sounds like it was being done on merit and not on an "everyone must have a prize" basis (so I don't agree with the earlier suggestion that your daughter was clearly the best but the school wanted to be nice to her best friend). You say your daughter had consistently high marks, but do you know whether the marks of her best friend have been higher? If not, surely it's impossible to conclude that your daughter deserved the prize?

The teacher may have felt bad for your child (but I agree with pp, should have said nothing), or it could be that eg your child is the teacher's favourite but prizes were distributed on the basis of test marks.

She clearly is being recognised if she was nominated for 5 awards. In my experience, quiet diligent children are not ignored when it comes to academic prizes - in fact, the opposite. Teachers consider them more studious and intelligent than the loud ones, all else being equal.

I don't know all of the test results but I do know Dd was top in several major assessments. I was advised of this by teaches past and present.
But I guess they must have based it on test data.
Anyway I will ignore bragbook for a few days.
Off to pick up Dd now.

I don't agree that the school wanted to be nice to her best friend either.
My feeling is that they are well matched academically although my perception was that Dd had the edge based on test results overall.
However, since the decision appears to be based on a vote by teachers who don't really know her than her lack of assertiveness stood against her.
But I could be wrong as I am biased of course.

A vote by teachers who don't know the students decides who wins an award? How does that work?

I mean never taught. It's a huge school so it would be impossible to get to know every student.

Yet thinking about it the other child would be well known due to having bigger parts in the school play and being sportier.

It makes no sense at all for teachers who've never taught the children nominated to have a vote at all, I really don't understand how that is the system.

All I know is that dds teacher nominated her but she wasn't selected. All previous department heads/ deputy heads who were her previous teachers in that subject have left.
Therefore I can only predict that others involved on the decision making process were teachers of that subject who have no experience of Dd or her friend for that matter but had more clout than her teacher
I think I have to accept that the other child had the edge slightly.

I understand what you mean. My dd 1 is also a hard worker, quiet , gets great grades and gets lovely comments on reports every year. Yet every year it seems she is over looked for awards etc. My dd2 works hard but doesn't get as good grades but she is a lot more confident and 'visible' and she has had lots more awards.

I have always told my dd1 that hard work is its own reward and in years to come her work ethic, decent education will be far more valuable than any award. Yet it still stings and I try to be as calm and as accepting as I can be and remind her (and myself) that its not a personal insult or criticism of my dd and the other child deserved it just as much/more.

However this year dd1 was chosen to be dept head girl and I was shocked (not because she doesn't deserve it but because I always felt she is over looked.) I did hear lots of comment (negative I think) about well of course it was dd1 it was obvious - because apparently she is one of the golden girls/teachers pet of the school which is never how we have felt so it's perspective also.

Greeneyes your daughter sounds amazing.

Thank you. She has some lovely friends and they were all rooting for each other.

That is lovely fixy My Dd must wasn't on the radar for those jobs.

It's natural to want to stand up for your DD, but this really isn't one to worry about.

The awards are intended to motivate pupils, foster confidence and self-belief, and possibly give them something to write on application forms. Sounds like your DD is doing brilliantly for all these points already, so it really doesn't matter if she misses one. She's also showing good character in not getting upset about it, and being happy for her friend.

I remember not getting a final-year subject award at school which I probably should have got. I understood why and knew that I was good at the subject, so it didn't worry me. It has not had any negative impact on my life.

That is good to know. She will be fine.