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Irritable and pregnant

15 replies

joojoobean99 · 20/07/2017 19:04

Ok, so I know I'm probably being overly sensitive because I'm heavily pregnant and getting irritated by absolutely everyone atm! I've just started my mat leave and myself and DH have decided that I won't return to work next year and will be a SAHM instead. I'm really happy with this decision and DH is too, because it means that we don't have to find childcare for the baby and we both like the idea of one of us being there for the baby all the time (until she's old enough to go to school anyway).

When I've mentioned our plans to family members I've been met with alot of negativity, and comments such as "you should still go and get a part time job for a few hours a day", or "why don't you do some evening work instead?", and it's really winding me up! I almost feel like I'm being accused of being lazy (I actually just had a comment from someone saying that it must be nice to be a "lady of leisure" - erm no, I'll be looking after a small child 24/7!!!). I know I should just ignore these comments like DH tells me to, but it's so infuriating being told that I should still go back to work even if for a few hours a day. I just can't help getting really wound up about it, even though I know the sensible thing would be to ignore it all. Any advice on how to get these people to shut the f*ck up and respect our decision?!

Sorry for the rant, bloody hormones.

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 20/07/2017 19:09

All you can do us see this as an opportunity to learn the art of 'smile and nod'

Because people will comment on all sorts of stuff (and most of the time it's just chatter which you can ignore) and it goes on for pretty much the whole of your parenting years. Letting it wash over you is easily the least stressful approach.


joojoobean99 · 20/07/2017 19:12

EdithWeston - It's so hard to smile and nod atm though! And I just sit here stewing on it and feeling more and more outraged! I know its only going to get worse when DD is born, I'm just not sure how I'll be able cope with it.

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 20/07/2017 19:13

I'm afraid you're going to have to develop a tougher skin, as from my experience these comments won't stop. I was unfortunately made redundant in my last pregnancy, so finding a job became near impossible. So decided to be a SAHP, at least until our children can be in nursery part-time. Both sides of our family will not stop mentioning it! The fact is, with the wage my partner is currently paid, and the minimal suitable jobs available in the area, we'd end up losing money in childcare if we both worked at the moment. Mad but true. However, I don't feel the need to explain this to family as they would be both judgmental and wouldn't stop them anyway.

The best phrase to use is 'this works for us, at least for now. We will re-evaluate the situation when needed'. Or better, the Mrs Brown approach - 'that's nice' to every unwanted opinion (meaning feck off).


lemureyes · 20/07/2017 19:13

Best way is to either ignore them or bluntly tell them "Well that's what we have decided is best for us."
Hopefully the comments will stop, people will get over it/forget in time 😊


CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/07/2017 19:14

OP are you sure you don't want a nice little job, maybe in a nice little shop, doing nice part time hours? But not too many hours - don't want your child developing horrific problems due to you being out the house too long, because it's a fact that they start to think the newsreader on the TV is their real mum. Not that you should be letting them watch TV, their brain will fall out. And when it does, make sure it falls out into a plate of organic home-reared finger foods, the stuff you get in the jars will turn them blue. And then people will assume their gender - on that subject, don't dress them in anything other than white and yellow, gender parenting causes leprosy.

In short, YABVVVVU, other people always know better Wink


honeysucklejasmine · 20/07/2017 19:16

At a toddler group today a lady congratulated a Dad on the arrival of #2. They made small talk and he asked if she was a SAHM. When she said yes, he commented that "it must be nice, very relaxing and low stress". He was serious.


DeadGood · 20/07/2017 19:19

Just look at them wide-eyed and ask, "what do you mean?" Then when they reply, say slowly, as if to a small child, "but we have chosen this. It is what we decided."

I think some people can't separate "not working" with "being unemployed". And think that not holding a job at any time is A Bad Thing, without really thinking about why. So "Stay at home mum" to them is something they can't really understand, and it's a state to be feared, because "you Don't Have A Job!!!! and why aren't you more scared about this??!!"

But you can afford it, so that's all there is to it really.


joojoobean99 · 20/07/2017 19:24

Cherry Grin

I've already had family members telling me they want to see the baby asap when I get home from hospital, including elderly immobile relatives that expect me to go to them with the baby! I've calmly explained that I will be recovering from my c section at home until I feel ready to move about, and got told that my DH could drive me around so I can still visit family! Why doesn't anyone respect my decisions considering I'll have just given birth to my first child? Finding it all so frustrating.

OP posts:

Gunpowder · 20/07/2017 19:24

Ugh. It will get worse once the baby's here.

This is my strategy since having DC:
When people ask intrusive questions I reckon it's easier to just say 'oh DH and I are discussing that' and then change the subject. If anyone says anything you disagree with or worse, rubbishes your parenting decisions you just say 'Interesting' and then leave a pause like you are thinking about it. You can also add a small nod, an eyebrow raise or a slight frown. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE. Usually they will feel awkward and move on to something else. Or you can change the subject. GOOD LUCK OP.


Beachbaby2017 · 20/07/2017 19:29

People love to comment on things like this. Whatever you do, don't justify or explain your decision. You do need to nurture your own confidence in your decision, it makes it easier to shrug comments off. I've not been a SAHM but I've made choices that bother others. I think part of it is that you're making a choice that is different and that can make people feel funny about their own choices.

"It works for our family" and "yes, I feel so lucky/thankful that I have the opportunity to do this" are both pretty good at shutting people down.


LouHotel · 20/07/2017 19:35

You cant win - i work 32 hours over 4 days and my mum tells me i should really do 3 (except i cant do tmy job on 3) and some friends keep going on about how i enjoy 3 day weekends and ive forgotten how hard full time work is.


Spudlet · 20/07/2017 19:42

Let's do a swap - I'll have your and you can have my family (a time machine will be needed also). When I said I was planning on returning to work, they were horrified. I had my dm saying she was in tears at the thought of my ds going to nursery. Confused As it was I decided not to go back anyway, but it before I'd read my family the riot act about all the stress they were putting me through. Angry

We just can't win op - fact!


Moanyoldcow · 20/07/2017 19:56

What is it with these 'little jobs'? My family were the opposite - when I started planning to go back my gran said she could manage £200 a month so I didn't have to go back to 'my little job' - A) no, and B) I take home more than 10x that'.

She still calls it a 'little job' - I'm a Finance Manager with a £6m budget to control - not 'high powered' I know, but ffs!

Be straight with them OP - just tell them it's none of their business and you're happy with your decision.


notomatoes · 20/07/2017 20:17

I got the exact opposite of this when I said I was returning to work too. So many people telling me "You won't want to when the time comes though". Actually, I know me better than you know me. It's like everyone thinks they are entitled to an opinion on how you are doing it all wrong. Even my boss said she didn't expect me back, as if my choice meant nothing because she knew best. You can't win.


MsHopey · 20/07/2017 20:23

I am very much in the same position. I have always worked minimum wage jobs, childcare would cost more than I earn and no family are around to do any free childcare for us. This is our first baby and was planned, we want to have me staying home with him to raise him ourselves. (This is our choice and I do not judge anyone for going back to work if this is what works for you.) I have always hated my jobs and can really see mys
elf having a great time with DS (C section planned for 1st august) but I have constantly been told I'll be bored, that I'm not being productive, and yes, pretty much being called lazy. But different things work for different families, I think if the father of the baby and myself are happy with our decision, whats it got to do with anyone else?
I've also heard a lot of "I had to go back to work and cope, what makes you think it's okay to sit and do nothing?".

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