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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonably literal?

49 replies

Goldfishshoals · 20/07/2017 18:11

We're packing the car to go on a trip. Dh calls downstairs from the bedroom 'are there any toys up here that need to go in the car?' I say 'no'.

He comes down with our bags and then starts taking things out to the car. 'and there are no toys to go in?' he asks. 'these need to go in' I say, pointing at the bag of toys on the sofa.

He then huffs because 'i told him there were no toys to go in', but I point out that he actually asked if there were toys upstairs, and that's what I said 'no' to, he calls me 'insanely pedantic', and states that 'anyone else' would have answered his question by saying there were toys downstairs. We then grumble at each other a bit, get over it, and go on a nice trip.

It isn't a big deal, but I'm genuinely curious because we frequently seen to have conversations like this. From my perspective he wants me to answer a different question from the one he asked, from his perspective I'm being too literal.

So which one of us is unreasonable?

OP posts:

DeadGood · 20/07/2017 19:09

"I would have said "no but theres some down here".

You sound like you were trying to trip him up. Bet you thought about the ones downstairs when he asked you the question. Why wouldn't you mention them?"

You are only saying this because you can see the entire conversation, including the part that came after what the OP said, written out in front if you in black and white.

It's very clear to me that when the OP was asked "are there any toys up here" that she assumed her partner was upstairs, about to come down, and wanted to bring anything with him that was still there.

She couldn't have known that he was going to carry on straight through to the car. Maybe he would have come down, dropped bags off, done a final check, gathered more bags etc.

wonderingsoul · 20/07/2017 19:13

Im with your husband here.

Yes you answered his question but knew he was packing the car so should have added there was toys down stairs.

MaisyPops · 20/07/2017 19:18

I'd have replied 'not up here but there's some on the sofa'.

That entire situation sounds unnecessarily stressful.

TheGoblinKing · 20/07/2017 19:20

I would have answered the way you did - if he wanted to know if there were toys anywhere he would have asked. he only asked about 'up here'. I'm also autistic though and take people literally.

NotDavidTennant · 20/07/2017 19:25

I think it depends on whether your DH could have reasonably known that there would be toys downstairs.

If he thought that there could be toys to move both upstairs and downstairs then by saying "up there" then he is specifying the subset of toys that are upstairs. On the other hand if he thought everything to move was upstairs then "up there" is indicating where he thinks all the toys to move would be and he is not aware you are only answering about a subset of the toys.

lmer · 20/07/2017 19:29

I think your both being unreasonable tbh 😂

CrohnicallyPregnant · 20/07/2017 19:49

You see, I read it as 'are there any toys up here that need to go in the car' therefore no need to mention the downstairs toys as they're already down. I would assume that he was thinking about ensuring everything was downstairs first before loading the car to make sure nothing was left.

Had he been downstairs and asked 'are there any toys upstairs that need to go in the car?' then I would have answered 'no, I already brought them downstairs'

RobotGoat · 20/07/2017 20:01

This sound like the kind of conversation DH and I would have. I'd have answered the way you did, OP. I'd have assumed he was asking so he knew to bring them down with him.

AntiGrinch · 20/07/2017 20:10

I would have said the same as you - I would have thought he was asking about upstairs because he was upstairs.

If it had been the other way around (me upstairs asking exP) we would have had this conversation:

Me "are there any toys up here to go in?" [not asking about toys in general - specifically up here]
exP "mumble mumble sofa"
me: "sorry?"
exP "mumble mumble sofa"
Me "sorry I can't hear you can you say that again?"
exP (grumpily "SOFA!"

At this point I would have to stop what I was doing upstairs and go down and ask him what he was saying. He would grumpily, implying that I am a bit mad and thick say "there's a WHOLE BAG of toys HERE on the SOFA!" (practically twirling his finger near his temple"
"Right, ok, but any upstairs?"
"NO" (more body language implications of my insanity) "not UPSTAIRS. we don't even HAVE a sofa upstairs"

God It was exhausting

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 20/07/2017 20:22

YANBU. I'd have had that conversation too.

MrsWooster · 20/07/2017 20:22

He's bu. In our house, however, he would have asked the same question and I would have replied, in a voice audible only to bats, "of course there fucking isn't; it's all down here since I brought it down already, it's a bit fucking late for you to start trying to help at this stage of the game..." so you might want to accept a degree of confusion in exchange for relative domestic harmony!!

DeadGood · 20/07/2017 22:08

Antigrinch good lord!

Sorry, why did you leave him? He sounds wonderful.

Srsly though, the "I will continue to repeat the only comprehensible word very loudly and clearly, while keeping the rest of my sentence a mumbled mess" technique drives me up the walllllll

AntiGrinch · 21/07/2017 11:48

"Srsly though, the "I will continue to repeat the only comprehensible word very loudly and clearly, while keeping the rest of my sentence a mumbled mess" technique drives me up the walllllll"

Oh god I thought it was just me.

And it enrages people who do this when you try to clarify.

"SOFA"
"Yes, I got sofa, what are you saying about the sofa?" - inevitably causes a row. Why?

userblahblahwhatever · 21/07/2017 12:03

I think I would have said none up there but there are some here to go in.

YorksMa · 21/07/2017 12:06

I'm so glad it's not just us! We have these conversations ALL THE TIME! I have to be 100% literal or my DH is incapable of understanding me (apparently).

blackteasplease · 21/07/2017 12:08

You were not unreasonable to say no. He was the one who asked "upstairs". You were reasonable to assume he knew about the other ones.

However it's not a big deal and no one should be upset.

I prefer to be the person who packs the car.

alleypalley · 21/07/2017 12:15

I most likely would have mentioned the ones on the sofa but you answered his question and he was totally unreasonable to call you insanely pedantic and get in a strop over it.

steppemum · 21/07/2017 12:42

I'm with you.

It is, I think, about the reason for the question.
I would assume he asked because he needed to know if there were any other bags he needed to bring down from upstairs.

I would have not commented on the sofa bag, because there were probably other bags eg food/shoes downstairs also waiting to go in.

But then my dh is more pedantic that me, and so he would have said it meaning just upstairs!

TimetohittheroadJack · 21/07/2017 12:55

I think YABU. You are going on holiday and packing the car, there is enough reasons to be stressed and end up arguing. Why couldn't you have just said no, I've organised that, they are on the sofa ready to go in the car.
Sounds like points scoring to annoy the other person. Why would you want to set the tone for the holiday like that?

Nikephorus · 21/07/2017 13:01

PurityOfChaos · 21/07/2017 13:05

I would have answered exactly the way you did OP. You answered the immediately relevant question. If you house is anything like mine anything beyond simple one word responses aren't heard properly from different rooms and leads to misunderstandings and arguments.

ArchieStar · 21/07/2017 13:10

I would've said they're downstairs on the sofa

The80sweregreat · 21/07/2017 13:57

I would be the same as your husband, you said 'no toys' so i would assume there isnt room for any toys ( if i didnt know about the ones already packed and ready to go.)
Its such a small thing though - packing for a holiday is up to 11 on the stress level chart i always think and you have a hundred things to do all at once. i would just put it down to a mis understanding and move on really.
have a nice time.

Motoko · 22/07/2017 12:43

This thread is really interesting. It just goes to show how easy it is for misunderstandings to occur, as we assume other people understand things the same way as us.

As has been shown on this thread, some people would answer the question as it was posed, others would clarify their answer with additional information.

Neither are wrong, as it also depends on what the questioner is like. You could clarify ("no, they're on the sofa") and the person asking the question could get stroppy saying that they were only asking if there were any upstairs!

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