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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to invite this child?

49 replies

justwhiisitwhosvotingtory · 20/07/2017 11:53

Trying to negociate the invites for DDs birthday party. She's at pre school but her birthday is in the holidays so I'm trying to get the invites out now. The party is at home so I can't invite the whole class or anything - and there are children from outside school too. DD only has a few children she plays with anyway.

So I have asked her who she would like to invite and all of them are girls except for one, let's call him A. He's a nice kid ( but big and rough) but his mum has actively blanked me at pick up times for the last year. She has a clique of similar mums who she hangs around with and all their kids play together.

A once tried asking his mum if DD could come and play at his and she couldn't say no quick enough. I am also worried that if he gets an invite all the other mums in her clique will get the hump ( even though DD is not friends with their kids).

AIBU not to invite this child as he will be the only boy ( not that that normally matters to me!) because I can't stand his mum/don't want to cause an 'issue' on the playground. It's a nursery party so I'm expecting parents to stay if that makes a difference too?

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 20/07/2017 12:17

You don't ask the other mum if your DD can play at his, you invite him to yours first - preschoolers don't always understand that that's the way it works, but adults usually do - maybe that's why she said no.

However if she blanks you and doesn't think you are good enough she'll turn the invite down anyway, so it's a non issue.

user1489673618 · 20/07/2017 12:18

Invite him. If the mum hates you that much; they won't come anyway. Be the better person here.

5moreminutes · 20/07/2017 12:21

Argh sorry, I did that too.

A once tried asking his mum if DD could come and play at his

I read that as I once tried asking his mum if DD could come and play at his too.

Why do people do "Lets call him A"? Just make up a name if you have to - but really in this story there is only one small boy, so no need for easily misread code...

ALittleMop · 20/07/2017 12:22

Invite him

Why should he and your DD miss out on a friendship because his mum's horrid?

AddictedtoSnickers · 20/07/2017 12:23

If the mum actively blanks other mums outside her friendship group and isn't polite and friendly then I wouldn't even contemplate having her in my house for a party. Your DD won't miss the boy that much once the party is in full swing and you will be more relaxed.

5moreminutes · 20/07/2017 12:24

DS1 was the only boy invited to a party by twin girls when he was about 6 - he turned the invite down before even giving it to me, even though he happily played with the girls in the playground. He said it wouldn't be right, which was very peculiar :o I think he meant he'd be embarrassed or something.

They promptly invited one other boy in his place, no idea what that was about - the other boy went and had a great time though :o

Just one boy doesn't matter if they are friends!

Gunpowder · 20/07/2017 12:27

Going against the grain here, I think YANBU.

It's school hols so he won't hear about them all going to the party, your DD is little so you just can say he's not coming if he asks, the mum sounds unfriendly and there is no sense building bridges when they'll be leaving for school soon/in a year. IMO, until school, parties are a chance to meet other nursery parents and socialise. I wouldn't invite mean mum's DS.

GahBuggerit · 20/07/2017 12:29

Theres a Mum that I dont particularly like because she seems very 'off'

Never once occurred to me to take my feelings out on the kid though.

NicolasFlamel · 20/07/2017 12:32

I would invite him. If she declines for him, that's on her. At least you'll know you've done the kind thing. It's a bit off to not invite a kid because his mum isn't that nice. It's not his fault.

SeaCabbage · 20/07/2017 12:34

As your daughter is so young I really wouldn;t worry about the boy not coming. She will have plenty of other kids to play with. Like a PP I would not have the mother in myhouse if she really is so horrible.

Perhaps another you could take him out and he could spend time with your daughter just the two of them, in a way that the mother won't have to stay. That's if your daughter really cares that much.

Jenna43 · 20/07/2017 12:38

YANBU. I couldn't be bothered with dealing with his mother. Don't invite him, he'll be none the wiser anyway, they won't know about the party.

GahBuggerit · 20/07/2017 12:39

Or OP you could say to this mum that shes welcome to do a "drop and run" if she likes, there will be plenty of other parents there and everyone tends to keep an eye on each others kids.

That way the young child doesn't have to miss out due to no fault of his own, your DD is happy as one of the people she likes has been invited to her party for her birthday with her friends and you can cross your fingers that the Mum takes you up on the offer.

If not its 2 hours, you can get through that without even having to say any more to her other than "Hi, thanks for coming/bye thanks for coming" if it what your DD wants for her party. And you get to feel a bit warm and fuzzy that you haven't actually been a buttmunch towards a small child just because his Mum's a knob.

knust · 20/07/2017 12:41

I can be a bit socially awkward and don't always know how to talk to people that I don't know very well. Some nursery/school mums are just easier to chat to. Some I sort of act busy/avoid eye contact with because I just don't know what to say and can't really tell if they're unfriendly or just a bit like me.

Yet at nursery sports day this year I chatted quite a lot to several of the mums that I've never really spoken to and had previously got the feeling that they had no interest in being friendly with me. I was quite surprised. I think sometimes people can give off an unfriendly or even rude vibe without intending to. Sometimes I just don't want to chat to people but would be perfectly happy for my children to play with theirs.

I would just send the invitation. What's the worse that can happen? If she comes and stays to the party you should have plenty of things to distract you from having to chat to her, and if she declines then so what?

My daughter and her friends often randomly ask if they can go to each others house on the way back from nursery and the answer has always been 'no' as it's not usually practical to have a sudden unplanned play date, I don't know the other kids very well, or I don't want to put the other person out on the spot or create awkardness. I never considered it rude.

gillybeanz · 20/07/2017 12:47

YANBU I wouldn't invite him either.
Who wants to spend time with a mother who is as ignorant as she sounds.
It's not like your dd will even know these kids when she starts school.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2017 12:53

Well as the invites are going out now, I'd assume he will know and the ops daughter may already have told him. You can't have her say to thr kid you can't come because my mum hates your mum. Or you can't have her repeat you can't come cos you're a boy.

If the op has a poor social standing now, that's simply social suicide.

Invite him and leave it to the other mum. You never know, she may accept and you may end up friends.

Headinthedrawer · 20/07/2017 12:59

Just invite him.Who knows you might even get to know the mum more.

SeveredPixieBits · 20/07/2017 12:59

I wouldn't invite just one boy, regardless of the backstory. I did it myself as a child and the lone boy spent half the party crying No one had thought it would be a problem as he was my absolute bestie.

GahBuggerit · 20/07/2017 13:03

On the flip side my DS was the only boy invited to a 'princess party', he loved it and still has his pink hair clips from it and his tutu

BarbarianMum · 20/07/2017 13:10

Ds2 has been the only boy at many parties. He'd be far more upset at not being invited by one of his (many) female friends than by being the only boy. He was once the only spiderman at a princess party but had a great time nonetheless.

Having said which, at 3, I think you can invite who you like.

gandalf456 · 20/07/2017 13:15

If DD isn't desperate, I'd not bother. If he plays rough, it might make the party stressful anyway and you don't know if the mum would deal with his behaviour the way you would and,as you have no relationship, it would be v awkward

londonista · 20/07/2017 13:15

I would invite him. If she's as frosty as you say she will say no anyway, but at least you are showing willing.

And they're so young I don't think being the only boy matters at all.

Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2017 13:38

I'd invite the boy. I might say to the mum as I handed the invitation over "DD especially asked for your son, he is the only boy she wanted to invite to the party. Hope he can make it."

Job done.

If he comes, his mum knows he will be the only boy. We had only one boy invited to dd's party once. They are so young it should not matter but I would say something because it might batter to him or his mum.

Do not be the baddie in your dd's eyes and do not feel one snappy comment once needs to make this woman your enemy.

HoldBackTheRain · 20/07/2017 13:57

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD why don't people read posts properly before commenting. HE asked his mum if OP's DD could play round their house, not OP! How many more time does it have to be said before someone starts on what bad manners OP has?!

Happens so much on MN and it's really fucking annoying!

OP - I probably wouldn't invite him. It's not going to scar DD and will probably save you a lot of hassle in the long run.

FanjoForTheMammaries · 20/07/2017 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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