To feel like I am failing at parenting/life

[Happyhappyveggie]

I really shouted at my kids this morning because they wouldn't get ready for school. Like properly lost it with them especially my 5 year old as she was point blank refusing to do anything. House is a shit tip and feel so tired that I can't keep on top of it. Relationship with DH at all time low. Just about keeping it together in work.
Aibu to think it's all so hard sometimes. Shouting at my kids makes me feel the worst human being in the world and yet I can't seem to get a grip at the moment.

Life's tough. Today sounds particularly tough for you. Be kind to yourself-you're human. We all get cross sometimes. My house is often a mess too and is tiny so I can't find a place for all our things-drives me mad on occasion.

You are not the worst human in the world.

No real advice but you're not a failure and we all have days/weeks like that
And I have to tell ds off Every.Single.Day about getting dressed for school!

I've been there.

I went through a really bad patch when I was pregnant with ds3. Older dc were 7 and 9 and they really got the brunt of it for a couple of months. I was tired and felt shit, I couldn't keep on top of the house and work and dh couldn't help as he was literally out for 14 hours a day, mainly every day, to try and save for our (unplanned) maternity leave.

It happens, and whilst far from ideal, a bit of shouting at probably won't scar your kids for life.

Take each day as it comes and just concentrate on small wins like having a day at work which goes well or managing to do the dishes or get the kids to school on time. When I dwelled on the state of the house some days it would send me into a depressed spiral where I just couldn't see how to start. Instead I pretended to myself that the house was like that through choice, that I was a 'life is more important than housework' type and that it really didn't matter. And by the time I forced myself to do an hour of work, it didn't seem quite so horrific.

However, saying that, be aware of the thin line between having a bad patch and feeling down and slipping into actual depression. If you really are struggling for a time, visit the GP to get checked.

Hello happyhappyveggie, it's normal!!! It's Ok.

If the house is bothering you because it's in a mess and it's affecting you , can you find the time to spruce it up a bit. I find that it helps me to have a clean and organized house and when I let go I usually end up a mess myself.

Thanks. To make matters worse I just saw my neighbour who is probably utterly sick of hearing me shouting at kids. I feel really ashamed about that too.

Repeat after me.... "tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new day..."

We all have days with those feelings - that was me on Tuesday. Offloading to friends helped me rebalance my feelings. Then I decided that evening I'd clean 1 room then enjoy a wine and some chocolate, without thinking about the other things that needed doing. I felt much calmer.

Find a way to be kind to yourself first (see friends, have a bath, get a pedicure, do some exercise etc) , then the other stuff is likely to seem a bit easier. And yes, go for the small wins and recognise them as wins! X

Ha Ha, I know what you mean about the neighbours! But I know my neighbours see and hear me being a great mum at other times and I figure they understand it's not easy. If they judge me - pah, then I don't care about their unrealistic views of parenting!

I used to look at 'shouty' mums and think I would never be like that

You are not a terrible person and being a mum is so hard, I am ashamed to say I end up cross and shouting every morning before the school run when DD2 is crying (11 months) while DD1 looks blankly at me still with no coat or shoes whilst we are already late.

I think on the whole though I do try my best and they both know I love them so much, and if I genuinely know I was shouty because I was tired/cross I always apologise.

I've done this and felt like shit all day.

I found that apologising to my child later really helped. I simply said that it's crazy in the morning and I need them to help by doing as I ask so we can get where we need to be on time. But I was wrong to get cross and shout, that's not how people should behave, and I will try my very best to not behave like that again.

It's all a sign of stress and most of us go through it.
I'm quite a chilled out mum but if things aren't happening as they should be, then I get all shouts too. I hate it but it's the stress coming out.

How old are your kids?

There are things that can help.
Routine.
A bit of organisation the night before.
Having meals and laundry organised.
Limiting screens (for kids and me )
Enough sleep!

I think all this robot parenting where you don't let your children know what little a-holes they are being is phoney.

They were being super annoying and now they know that when they do that mummy gets very upset and scary - that is no bad thing if it happens once in a while. You are the boss. They are not. Perhaps now they will undertand that a little better. You really shouldnt see it as a failing.

I found 5 a very difficult age. DD is now 9 and I feel like a better parent.

I agree with Magical about apologising. I do it to DD, and the nice thing is that if she gets shouty, she'll go away, calm down, and spontaneously apologise to me.

This was me when my kids were younger and the best money I ever spent was getting a cleaner to do 2 hours on a Friday. It meant that psychologically I didn't have the pressure of coming home on a Friday to a messy dirty house and then spending the weekend in a bad mood and wasting it cleaning. If you have twenty quid to spare at all it's worth every penny (and means that even during the week I know that no matter how messy it gets it'll get a good clean before the weekend)

Thanks for your comments- they made me cry!! My kids are 5&9. 5 year old is stubborn and feisty but also totally knackered from school. Chaos just seems to have descended on our house- I feel like I have lost control of everything which isn't helping. Am going to massively apologise later- it's been a rough month really and I've been a crap example of calm rational parenting.

Of course it's not great to shout at the kids, but as long as it remains an exception and that it is balanced with a lot of cuddles and fun, it really will have no lasting effect.

I became a single mum when my kids were 1 and 4. I worked FT in a stressful job and had no support from family, let alone my ex, so it was very hard and yes, I certainly did quite a bit of shouting when it got too much. It continued into early teenage year as it became clear that it was only getting to this point that got them to pay attention to what I said.

They are now 15 and 18 and are lovely well-adjusted kids who I have a fantastic relationship with.

Perfect discipline requires control, but non perfect discipline remains much better than none at all, and they are plenty of parents who resort to the latter when they are shattered.

The feeling of losing control over everything is hugely stressful.
Is there anything you can do today to help you to regain it?

I think I am going to try to tidy up a couple of rooms later and start to get a grip. Can't wait for the end of school!!

Ooo yeah KimmySchmidt1 is soo right!!!
I've become so used to seeing other mums trying to be 'good parents' by not letting their kids see that they are bloody cross! Actually that IS a bit robotic and phoney! If the kids are being annoying and naugh then I have no qualms about raising my voice!

Hugs!

I can completely empathize.

I bet your kids think you are amazing, and you are doing a much better job than you realize.

I also think you need to try and figure ouf a way to get some you time.

In the meantime, this is for you

Do you know why you cannot be a crap parent? Because crap parents would never see that they are doing it wrong. We have ALL shouted at our DC. Now mine have left I have transferred it to the dog.

It sounds like life has got right on top of you. Can you and dh sort something out? Is he pulling his weight?

With regards to DC term is almost over. Next term maybe start a new morning regime to ensure things run a bit more smoothly.

Get home, hug the DC and have a bit of a blitz and the easiest tea ever and then reward your fab parenting with a glass of wine. Or chocolate. Or both.

I feel like I’m failing every single day. Mine are 2.5 and 5 months. I literally can’t wait for my toddler to go to pre school when he does and my baby is so demanding and doesn’t sleep. I thought I’d love being a mum but it is so hard. I feel very depressed and hate myself for feeling like this!!