To think DH is a spendthrift??!!

[mackoo0524]

Hi ladies, feeling quite angry and upset about DH's spending habits and just wanted to have a little vent and to see what you all make of it...

We have a 10-month-old DS. We live in a 2-bedroom-flat in London which we own with a mortgage, and would like to upsize in a couple of years't time. DH has a reasonably well-paid job whereas I became a freelancer a year before DS was born, in order to focus on TTC because we had fertility issues (spent over 15k on various tests and treatments but conceived naturally in the end). I started working again a couple of months ago and earn about 1k per month working from home part-time. My mum helps with looking after a DS a couple of days a week, DH babysits on the weekend and we use a nanny every now and then too.

Now... My DH LOOOOOOOVES going out!!!! He went out a lot less while DS was still very little but now he's back to going out a couple of times a week. Which I don't mind too much, if not for how much money he's spending... If it's just after-work drinks it's not so bad I suppose, but on a 'proper' night out he easily spends £50-100 a night, and he does not a few times a month. Earlier this month it was his 40th and he spent about £400 in one night?!!

For DS's 1st birthday he insists on doing a Gymboree party which will cost us close to £700, once catering, alcohol (OF COURSE) and everything else is taken into account. That's in addition to a family dinner (with both sets of grandparents) we'll have on DS's actual birthday...

I'm just a bit furious because I think he's being really quite selfish/ irresponsible?!!! I manage all of DS-related spending, he mostly wears secondhand clothes I got on Ebay, most of his toys are secondhand too! I do buy new things for him every now and then but mostly I'm quite frugal. We're not materialistic people so that suits us fine. But everytime we go to a friend's child's birthday party, if it's DH's friend, he insists on spending at least £40-50 on birthday presents which I find really excessive!!!! He thinks anything less than that would make us look really stingy...

AND DH is really keen to have a second child too and he knows we need to move to a bigger place in a few years' time. At the moment we're hardly putting any money away even though I'm doing my best (I was always the one managing our savings while he took care of the mortgage) but it's so hard being on a much smaller income... I've thought about going back to work full-time but financially we won't be better off than now because childcare costs in our area are crazily high!! Full-time nursery would cost close to two grand a month!

So... AIBU???? He is a great dad and he is putting food on the table, managing the mortgage payments etc etc so am I being too harsh on him?? I'm just really anxious about our financial future, especially if we want a second child and a bigger house!!!

Should I have a proper conversation with him about this?

Thanks for reading my essay...

I agree with saving the money for a party your DC will appreciate!

My DB and SIL had a huge party for DN when he was 2 - rented room, rented softplay, balloons, food and drink for children and adults.

Afterwards they said they'd have been better off spending the money on something else (like a weekend away) because DN just didn't appreciate it. Their friends' children are all older and they loved it but for a 2 year old it was lost on him.

Apart from that, you really need to have a serious conversation about spending. When we get paid, we put a specific amount into savings that can't be touched unless for something big (emergency, holiday etc. not nights out). We then have the rest of the money to play with for the rest of the month.

I have a friend who does it the opposite away around- saves anything left at the end of the month....he doesn't save much.

alifemoreorlessordinary

That's what I thought!

My only contribution to this thread was going to be shouldn't the title read "AIBU to wish my DH was a spendthrift"

Anyway, back to topic, yes - I think your husband needs to rein it in a bit.

Spendthrift:

a person who spends money in an extravagant, irresponsible way

A spendthrift person is reckless and wasteful with his money

spendthrift was coined in the late 16th century to refer to someone who recklessly flouts careful management of money

First three results from googling.

Yanbu.
£50 on a night out is not unreasonable but £700 on a one year old party is insanity. You can get amazing parties for much less.

I think £700 for a baby's 1st is ridiculous. The baby ain't going to know it's their birthday. If I was in your shoes, I'd have a little tea party with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close friends. I could understand for an 18th or 21st, but not a 1st.

My ExH always wildly underestimated his spending on everything, from how much it actually cost to run his car (he thought it was just petrol money, ffs) to bills and holidays. It was exhausting having to budget, show him the budget, explain the budget, and try to get him to stick to it.

Yet he managed a budget at work.

Current OH is the opposite, and is as tight-arsed as I am, but we're happy because we're compatible!

It's hard if you're not on the same page.

£50 on a night out for one person only is to me very extravagant and plain selfish when this turns into a regular, twice a week or so event.

He has a wife and baby long waited for at home, why does he need to go so often in the first place? Do you ever go out together?

Agree with a PP, is it insecurity and proving he can spend like other people?

There is no prize for spending beyond your preferred budget

I thought a "spendthrift" was someone who was mean with money? misses point of post

No, it's the opposite. 'Thrifty' means careful with money, but a spendthrift is someone who spends money wastefully or excessively.

lweji

Yup!

Barbara - thanks, I know I could have googled it myself; just weird how my experience of "spendthrift" has always been used for someone who is mean with money! (maybe need to start a thread about words like this!)

It depends how much he earns doesn't it?

I can understand that it is easy to rack up a lot of £ when going out for drinks in London. I also appreciate that you feel a need to reciprocate generous gifts to some extent, however there is a half way house: reciprocate with a carefully chosen £30 gift. It is ridiculous to have the gym party! What about a picnic in a park? You could arrange for a couple of food hampers to be catered for significantly less. I think your issue is that you are mixing with friends who have more income which is always tricky and made harder by the fact that your circumstances have changed.

Could you add up the amount he spends on socialising in an average month and then compare it to your salary. Eg you are spending the equivalent of 2/3 of my salary on socialising each month. Would that help him see it in a different perspective?
I agree that spending so much on a 1st birthday is silly. Save it until the child is at least 4 so he can appreciate it!

Re baby being born presents vs birthday presents. I give a big present by my standards on birth of first child, but only spend about a tenner per birthday. I have 11 nieces and nephews and several younger siblings in law who have yet to start families - I give the parents a decent cheque to get started, but couldn't afford to keep that up year on year. I'd be a bit taken aback if they thought that because I got them a pricey present when the baby was born that they had to spend loads on my kids every year. Kids don't care how much you spend, they just care if you interact nicely with them. (they do care if you don't get them anything, but thoughtful gifts are better than the wrong expensive one!)

arethereanyleftatall

Yes it does depend how much he earns, but also how secure his job is, how easily he could get another job, what his pension arrangements are etc. It's not uncommon for London high earners to burn out or if they get made redundant, struggle to get another job on the same income. He may be lucky and continue to work for as long as he wants/needs to, but if he is unlucky or becomes ill, he may regret having spent so much for so long.

The OP says they have investments and savings, but these might not last long if the DH continues to spend as he does now. If the house move happens it will be very costly, if the new property costs £500k (and I suspect it may cost a lot more) they face a bill of around £20k for stamp duty, estate agents and solicitors fees etc.

Do a spending analysis for a couple of months. List everything you spend on on what - put into categories - sometimes it needs to be visual to sink in...
eg some people buy a takeaway coffee on way to work and way home every day... shown as a monthly cost brings it home what a waste (and lazy) then imagine that over a year or 5 years...what could you have instead... when you visualise what you are missing it brings it home and focuses the mind.

I think you at BU towards the 40th. For most people the 40th is probably the biggest or close to biggest party they will have in their lifetime. He doesn't have night out like that every week.

The night out don't sound too bad IMO. If he doesn't have a hobby as such these are not super unreasonable amounts to spend on himself each month.

The party is crazy! Yes, have a good party, but £700!?

1st birthday parties arent for the kids- theyre for parents- and friends and family

£50 is easy to spend on a pretty basic 2 course dinner and half bottle of wine in london so I don't think the amount is outrageous but perhaps he should limit it to once a week out with friends/colleagues and once with OP? Or budget £100 a week for socialising.

You need to sit him down with figures. You currently spend £xxxxx a year on unnecessary nights out/ presents/ wasteful stuff. You could easily live happily on £xxxx for the same things and we would save £xxxx a year. Show him he actual numbers. Make a plan to save a set amount each year, break it down to monthly. Ask him why it is more important to spend money on other peoples kids/one big party than on the day to day life of your DS.

Have him put some of his earnings into savings on pay day.

Agree that while most of these things aren't awful in themselves, as individual items, put together they're a lot. And actually, it's not about whether an individual spending choice is in line with normal societal things that people might do, it's about whether you can afford them. Based on what you're saying, you can't really. You're likely to need a bigger place soon enough and that needs to be prioritised.

Personally I don't have a huge problem with spending a lot on big birthdays, and a 1st birthday can be a lovely get together for friends and family, so alcohol is legit. But I could think of a better way to spend £700 on a 1st birthday, frankly!

I'm another who wants to know if he has any idea what he's actually spending in each month? If you don't have a huge amount left at the end now, it's inequitable that you're effectively having to scrimp in order to allow him to spend £400 a month on drinking.

Also, have you checked out the childcare voucher and tax free childcare schemes? These are ways that childcare might be a bit cheaper.

I was in a rush earlier and only mentioned the most outrageous bit, to me.

What it seems is that he hasn't really adapted to being a dad.

Of course he should sacrifice his social life, particularly if it's intense. It's what most committed parents do, even if you can afford it. We should be spending time with our children and not just assume the other parent will take over.

It looks like he needs a reality check in terms of the money he spends elsewhere and not on his family and on the time too.

And get back to full time. Not only you may need it should he lose his job, but also in case you get fed up of his lack of family commitment.

That's actually a good point. It sounds like he's getting a lot more time off than you are...

It also doesn't sit well that you're basically talking about the sums not adding up for when you go back to work, when he's spunking so much money on inessentials. If you prefer not to go back/not go back full time, fair enough. But it's not good if it's dictated by financials when there is spare money elsewhere. You being able to have the security of continuing to earn, if you'd prefer to, should come before going out on the piss. Obviously if you prefer to be a SAHP, fair enough and disregard.

I think your child will thank you rather more if you stick that £700 in an ISA for him/her. Disgraceful your child is in second hand clothes and has second hand toys while Squanderbug goes out on the lash regularly. (I have no problem with second hand). Fur coat and no knickers. That is his problem.