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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotionally abusive DM....AIBU?!

22 replies

Yellowflowers592 · 19/07/2017 19:02

I need advice coming to terms with this situation, AIBU and is NC the best/only option?

Throughout my life, my DM has suffered with severe depression and with that has come a number of issues. Without explaining everything in detail - she has always prioritised her own emotions and the emotions of her various 'partners' over her children. She has always thought that she needs to be in a relationship and with that came a long string of unhealthy, toxic relationships. All of which were pushed upon myself and my siblings throughout our childhood. 'He's part of your family' etc.

Recently, she has cause a huge scene about coming to my graduation because she can't bring her current boyfriend. I never thought I would be able to accomplish a degree due to my difficult childhood and having to financially support myself from 16 years old. I could only get a maximum of 3 tickets, and she knew that only my close family would be invited, but gradually got more and more argumentative, saying that I was deliberately trying to exclude her boyfriend and am disrespectful towards her 'long-term' relationship Hmm

Now she has refused to come after I'd paid for her ticket because her boyfriend 'has anxiety issues and can't be alone'. This is not the first time this has happened to me, and she has also refused to come to my sisters wedding two days after for the same reason. She originally said she was bringing him to the wedding anyway despite him not being invited, then decided she's not coming at all.

We are all at disbelief that after everything she has put us through, she can't put her feelings aside and celebrate her own children's accomplishments and events.

AIBU!? Or should I just accept that it's an unfortunate situation and carry on building my life without support from my mother?

OP posts:
rockofages · 19/07/2017 19:07

Congratulations on being awarded your degree, especially in those difficult circumstances. This could be a real turning point for you. Have the confidence now to strike out on your own and find new people to support you. Your sister and colleagues will be much better than a selfish mother. Your graduation day and your sister's wedding day are about you, not her.

differenteverytime · 19/07/2017 19:07

I'm sorry, love. Give her ticket to someone who treats you properly. Congratulations on your graduation, in spite of your upbringing. You should be proud of yourself.

Lissette · 19/07/2017 19:09

Well done yellow flowers. Congrats on your degree.

MsWanaBanana · 19/07/2017 19:09

TBH I think it's time to accept is selfish and will probably never be the mother you want or need. For your own sanity you should nc as you'll just keep on being disappointed and let down by her. Graduating is a huge achievement and if she can't put aside her issues to come and support you and be proud of you, then it's time to let go. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Life your life, be happy and don't let her issues get you down

huskyduck · 19/07/2017 19:10

Congrats on the graduation! I sympathise as my 'D'M is a narcissist and she ruined my graduation day. It really sucks! But you will be better off without her there, if she attended she would probably make it all about her. Hope you can still enjoy your day and perhaps your sister can attend instead. Xx

FadedRed · 19/07/2017 19:13

Congratulations on your degree 🍾🎖🎉
Give her ticket to someone who deserves it, or sell it to another student who wants it.
Distance yourself from your mother.

TooGood2BeFalse · 19/07/2017 19:14

Absolutely YANBU.This day is meant to celebrate you and your achievement.It is not the day to please a partner/boyfriend of your mother's. Sorry OP but she sounds so unreasonable and unkind that I would say on an unforgettable day,do what will meet YOU happy - not everyone else. Flowers Congratulations!!

Original poster
Yellowflowers592 · 19/07/2017 19:16

Thank you all.

I think her behaviour has reached the limit I can cope with. I don't want any more my memories to be darkened by my mother - I think with parents like that, you always hope that maybe they will change and become what you needed them to be, but when you are well into adulthood yourself and it's the same/worse, there's definitely a limit!

OP posts:
IDoDaChaCha · 19/07/2017 19:18

Congrats on your degree! Flowers she sounds like a typical NM - she will never change. Mine is the same. It doesn't reflect on you. At all. You're more than good enough- and you proved that getting your qualifications Wine xx

IDoDaChaCha · 19/07/2017 19:19

P.s. if it makes your life easier, go NC. Prioritise you x

StormFrontage · 19/07/2017 19:19

Oh bless you. And well done Flowers

She's so wrong on this. So, so wrong. I think you need to detach for sanity's sake, at least for a while.

Original poster
Yellowflowers592 · 19/07/2017 19:25

Thank you!

Yes I think going NC will definitely improve things - my other siblings feel the same, thankfully we're all fiercely independent!

OP posts:
Sunshinegirls · 19/07/2017 19:28

It's horrible when your parent constantly rejects you. It is difficult but you need to try and remove her from your life as much as possible, for your own mental wellbeing.

Huge congrats on your achievements!WineFlowers

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2017 19:30

Congratulations on gaining your degree. I think now you need to say, well mum, in that case I would rather you not come. Your special day will be tarnished otherwise. Give the ticket to somebody who really cares and distance yourself from your toxic mother.

bingolittle · 19/07/2017 19:31

Congratulations!!

This event - like pretty much all future events in your life - will almost certainly be much, much better without her there.

bingolittle · 19/07/2017 19:34

Actually... scrub that "almost certainly." And that "pretty much."

PickAChew · 19/07/2017 19:40

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly, sod her.

Bluetrews25 · 19/07/2017 20:14

Brilliantly well done, OP
Congratulations! I hope that you can hear the thunderous applause for you from your MN supporters as you accept your certificate.
Give your spare ticket to someone else, and allow the day to be about you and your wonderful achievement.

bingolittle · 19/07/2017 20:33

Of course she is utterly and horribly wrong and of course it is painful for you.

But in this situation her absence is really the best thing for you, however appalling her motivation. NC is your way forward and she is actively facilitating that.

So glad that you have siblings who understand your situation.

StripeyDeckchair · 19/07/2017 20:40

Congratulations on achieving your degree!

Celebrate with people who will be genuinely happy for you and proud of you and don't let your mother dictate how YOUR day should go. If that means she won't come & be happy for you & with you then so be it. (The bit in italics is crucial, if she comes and moans about her P not being there or has a long face throughout then you're better off without her there).
If that leads to you going NC or very little C then it's her behaviour that has lead to that decision.

Original poster
Yellowflowers592 · 19/07/2017 20:48

Thank you all so much,

I'm very grateful to read your responses, this isn't something I discuss irl but I really needed a push in the right direction - It's really difficult to cut contact with your mother, but it's gotten so manipulative and draining, I don't want to waste any more of my energy. I can't imagine how someone could treat their children like that!

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 19/07/2017 21:12

Fuck that for a lark. I've got severe depression but her behaviour is not symptomatic of being ill, it's symptomatic of being an arse.

I hope to god I never treat my kids like you've been treated OP Flowers

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