Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex advice to DD

12 replies

6079SmithW · 19/07/2017 15:54

I'm recently single from my second of two long term relationships (from 19 to 26 years old, then 26 to 41 years old). I'm enjoying my single life, dating and having sex (or not having sex) with whoever I choose. This has led me to reflect on my early sex life (pre age 19) and how decisions regarding my activities were often influenced by not wanting to 'get a name' for myself or be called a slag or slut.
Retrospectively I feel quite angry that these were the messages I was getting from society, authority figures and family (that is not how good girls behave).
It's not time to talk to my DDs about sex yet, but when it is WIBU to tell them to take no notice of slut shaming and have sex with whoever they want to?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/07/2017 15:58

I have a DS so will never be in exactly the same position but if I did have a daughter I would not be telling her to have sex with whoever she wants. I would rather teach her to respect herself, to make healthy choices and say to not settle down to young etc etc but no I would not be encouraging her to sleep around.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2017 16:00

I think the message should be to have sex, if she wants to, with men who treat her respectfully and who are mature enough to take precautions. She also needs plenty of education about birth control and STI's, and what the consequences are if she behaves irresponsibly.

upperlimit · 19/07/2017 16:04

I'm sure you can start with general conversations about how society divides women and girls into the role of good and bad, where good means passive, quiet and biddable and bad is loud, critical and active and challenge those ideas first.

By the time they are moving towards relationships and sex lives they will already have a good understanding of their own agency and enough critical thinking skills to navigate prescriptive and approved roles for women.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/07/2017 16:04

I think the message should be to make sure you choose a partner who you think will respect you. You're older than your DD (obvs!) so you're likely a much better judge of character and have men sussed out more than your DD will.

When it's my DD's turn I just want her to make sure she protects herself and her heart and that she fully understands about consent, coercion etc. I know it's not as sexy as "shag whoever you want" but my job first and foremost is to protect her

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2017 16:41

Your body is your body and you are the only one who gets to make decisions about it. No one gets to tell you how to feel about yourself either.

I think vigorously applied consent boundaries lead to better choices and feeling better about those choices.

Pengggwn · 19/07/2017 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 19/07/2017 23:10

upperlimit I really like that approach

CherryChasing I feel the same about protecting my DDs

Pengggwyn I think you have it spot on

OP posts:
Original poster
6079SmithW · 19/07/2017 23:18

Also I realise I should clarify - I wasn't advocating advising that DD have sex with whoever willy nilly (no pun intended). Just that when they are making their decisions about sexual activity, considering what society would think shouldn't be a part of it.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 20/07/2017 05:45

Well, I do not think one should have sex with men who will spread gossip about it. Thinking of one's reputation is fine, as decent men won't gossip.

Tell her that if she is worried a man will think her a slut for having sex with him, she shouldn't have sex with him, as he doesn't deserve her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/07/2017 06:41

I would also advise her against having sex with someone, who would call her frigid if she didn't. To quote Vestal, "he doesn't deserve her". And this is exactly the sort of person, who will call her a slag or slut for sleeping with them.

BertieBotts · 20/07/2017 06:55

Buy her the book Come As You Are and leave it in her room?

It's tricky isn't it. My teenage problem was the opposite. I thought hat boys wouldn't like me if I didn't have sex and I thought that sex was really all that mattered to them and I never really worried about seeming 'slutty' (I was never that popular anyway). So yes it's important to teach her that sex should be on her terms, and that people will say all sorts of things but the right amount of sex is the amount she's happy and interested in having.

Underthemoonlight · 20/07/2017 07:04

I would never advocate my dd to have sex with who ever they want nor would I my DS. I would promote happy healthy relationships and to make sure she is protected in terms of knowledge of procautions to avoid unwanted pregnancies or stds

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.