AIBU to think this is jealousy?

[peonie83]

So after a significant period of time of being a SAHM. Kids are finally old enough that I'm going back to work.

I've actually somehow managed to get back into the same job I used to do albeit at a lower level. I've also negotiated a significant amount of flexibility so I can do some of the school runs.

DC2 will go to a childminder on the days I work. It's slowly but surely falling into place.

However what I've been shocked by is the backlash almost from my 'friends' other SAHMs - often we've talked about leaving our careers behind - regrets- the fact our husbands have progressed and how we would love to get back to work - but now that I am - I'm getting a lot of 'how will kids cope at childminder?' 'Oh you're not doing that group anymore - is that because you have to go back to work?' 'I couldn't go back to what I did - I wouldn't want to it wouldn't work around the kids' 'wow have you really got a job?'

Perhaps AIbU it's not jealousy maybe just general conversation.

But I feel slightly ousted if that's the right word. Will I find a whole new group of friends working mothers now?

I'm struggling really. Because it's exacerbating my guilt. Financially as we have for the last few years we would cope but I'm doing this for me. For my self confidence and self esteem and because I can get back to the career I worked so hard for!!

AIBu to think this is jealousy or just talk really... I just feel very uncomfortable and I guess unsupported.

I suppose like a lot of people they are thinking aloud and running through the practicalities of your change in situation.
If for example my friend told me she was going to become the carer for her elderly parent I'd probably ask how will you manage and I'd do the same if they were moving in with her or going to a nursing home. There's no judgement in it just thinking it through.
As you may be 1st in your group they might just be putting themselves in that position to see what it feels like and commenting aloud that it would not be possible for them. In parenthood we are all learning from each other. No one has a criticism really they are busting thinking it from the perspective of their own family. Don't worry about them - they won't be there to pay your bills!

Banderwassnatched

Yeh right because you know sahms better than for example sahms know themselves. I'm disabled and I certainly don't flap around, am unable to jog and pop in to a cafe or sit around drinking coffee.

Op it sounds as if you've found the perfect work/life balance. Good luck and don't let them upset you. It's hard for people to see others move on and I expect you doing what they'd like to do has highlighted their feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Do be kind to yourself and to them unless they were being spiteful to you. I do imagine it came from how they see themselves, not you.

Mummyof- unless your kids attend the same school as mine and you spend your time lounging at the gate in a pair of running tights, I don't mean you. Or, indeed, anyone who isn't at that gate at that school.

They probably feel inadequate. I know a SAHM who although a qualified dentist hasn't worked as once since she graduated 30 years ago. She still introduces herself as a dentist though & then feels upset that she can't keep up the conversation about dental medicine (she probably could if she ever bothered to keep up her learning). Don't take it personally.

bander - it sounds like you are moving on, and well done to have found something that suits you. Change is unsettling, for you and the people who are used to you being around. Try to shake it off - you will meet new friends and new challenges. Good luck!

Just be confident that you are doing the right thing for you and your family, OP.

It might be just conversation or it might be that they are critical/ jealous. Just keep going and it'll become obvious in time.

'how will kids cope at childminder?' 'Oh you're not doing that group anymore - is that because you have to go back to work?' 'I couldn't go back to what I did - I wouldn't want to it wouldn't work around the kids' 'wow have you really got a job?'

so, none of that sounds particularly shocked or critical....but I think some people don't like it when people make different choices to them wrt parenting in particular and take it as a criticism of their own decisions. (see also: babyled weaning, washable nappies etc). The surprise might also be a bit of disappointment that you're not going to be as available as you were, or that a "group" is changing. Jealousy, maybe not.

Supersop- you mean the OP, not me. I'm changing jobs shortly so as to get off nights, which has been cheap but waaay too hard. We certainly don't have the perfect fit but hopefully this is a bit closer to it :)

None of those comments on their own sound like jealousy or resentment. Individually they seem fine to me. But I can understand that a lot of comments like that would quickly become very wearing and unsupportive.

Your friendship dynamics are going to change and perhaps these comments and the way they irritate you are the first outward signs of that change.

Oh and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It sounds like your friends are interested and curious about your change in circumstances. At the same time, you are sensitive about how it will be perceived. They may be jealous, but from what you've posted I think you're reading a bit into it. That's only natural, but it's not really fair to ascribe unexpressed views to them either.

This is a situation where tone of voice is everything. It's not what they said but how they said it, and we can't tell that from a written post.

You may be making them feel uncertain about their lives as SAHMs, they may be jealous, they may be asking you to pick up tips for themselves, they may just be nosy.

Your life IS going to be different from theirs very soon, and you're not going to be part of the group in the same way. You're doing the right thing for you, let them make their own decisions and don't worry what they think.

If it's just the comments and no particular tone, it sounds to me like they will miss you, frankly.

Maybe they are worried that their husbands will want them to work.

Does it matter?

I hate the wohm vs sahm debate. Its so anti-feminist. Its about choice. I dont understand why people dont just let women get on with it, wihtout accusations about kids not coping at the childminders or jealousy etc

You mention that you and your friends have talked about regrets etc at leaving careers behind. Maybe you've all had those conversations about how "at some stage/down the line/when X happens" going back to work will be a reality but you are the first one to actually do it.

I suspect it might be a little bit like talking about losing weight or whatever - when one person actually starts to make the change everyone has talked about, others might feel that reflects negatively on them you know? I'm not suggesting all SAHMs should get back to employment but if these particular women have expressed a desire to do what you're doing I can see that they may feel a bit inadequate when comparing themselves to you. And yes, unfortunately that can sometimes result in jealousy and resentment.

My sister and two of my friends can genuinely separate their own feelings about themselves from their feelings about my life and feel genuinely happy for me without thinking about their own situation. They are amazing people and their friendship and support is invaluable to me. Everybody else I've ever spoken to responds in the way your friends have - by taking my situation, putting it into their own situation and then voicing their own fears and criticisms.

If you ever find people like my sister and friends, hold on to them with all your might. They enhance your life an enormous amount.

I don't think they resent. I'm not sure. For many of them they are stuck in a way. Can't and I think many don't want to go back to old careers.

Looking back on your comments it's made me think another way. It's made me think it is just the change. We'll miss each other and the flexibility being a SAHM gave particularly for play dates etc.

Lots of mum's round here freelance and have own businesses.

Many mum's are unable to go to their old careers - too much time out and/or it doesn't work round the kids and their DH jobs. I'm yet to see if I'll be able to cope with both kids and working as DH works long hours and is used to me doing every thing!

Bandersnatch,

Thanks for answering my question.

^ Argh..I meant Banderwassnatched!