My mum is trying to undermine me

[HalfShellHero]

My ds now was dx with ASD ,mild high functioning. My dm has always had issues accepting this which disapointed me but just accepted id not be getting support from her in that area. My husband told me today that when they go over when im at work she grills him 'does you! think hes autistic ' etc and apparently last week she did it again and said that she'd been asking her friend who works with children onthe ASD spectrum and says she doesnt think hes got ASD either or 'presents' that way. im so angry the underhandedness of it all, its almost like she thinks ill be caught out in a lie i did refer or dx him !!! I dont know how to approach this with her shes very much 'I am Right!" POV ...AIBU to want to talk to my DM about how this made me feel?

That should read top lone my ds now 8 was dx with asd agwd 3.30

3 and a half*

Everytime she brings it up just say " I refuse to discuss this with you as you have absolutely no idea what your on about" and leave it like that

sounds like trying to reason with her will be pointless , like getting blood out of a stone

Sorry so many typos it should read i didnt refer or dx him!

It sounds like she could be going through a process towards understanding and accepting it all and that it's difficult for her. I would let her work through it and you do the same, and then think about talking to her about how you feel when you've calmed down a bit more.

Do you think do after 4 or so years? I just feel like the attempt is to make me look bad.

Sounds like she is in denial.

She is out of order. Pull her up on it every time and tell her that if she can't say something supportive then she should butt out and say nothing at all.

Hmm would be a shame she is a fantastic grandma in every other respect but i feel incredibly disrespected. I would like to send a text tbh before a phonecall so she understands why im annoyed but dont know how to word it?

This seems to be very common. Relative who knows bugger all about ASD (but has a friend who knows, or they've read an article, or their aunt's neighbour's child is autistic and isn't like your child....) thinks they know better than you or any dr.

I wrote an email to attempt to explain about ds, but it didn't work. After a few years of putting up with ignorant and offensive advice/comments (which needless to say were given with very good intentions), I have now backed off. Any energy I have goes on trying to make family life manageable/bearable, and I will not waste it on people who can't even make an effort to try to understand what life is like.

One of my DPs refuses to accept DC's Aspergers. This led to a huge argument when DC was helping them carry a mattress but couldn't understand their DGP's 'instructions'; I had to carefully spell out that DC's brain doesn't work the same way DGP's does and that struggling to learn things and carry out instructions is why it's a 'learning disability'.

YANBU but you may not be able to convince them or educate them otherwise. I'm pretty certain my DC's autism is actually viewed as a byproduct of my inadequacy as a parent .

I think I misunderstood your post, OP. I thought 3.5 was your dc's age.

So lets get this straight. Your mother knows someone who works with children on the spectrum. Said person thinks he's not?

When did either of these people become qualified to make a diagnosis?

Idol chit-chat. Ignore. Remind her of a diagnosis made by a professional person qualified to do so.

Don't waste your time trying to argue the point.

Every time she brings it up with you or your OH, remind her that it's a medical condition that has been diagnosed by medical experts .. then change the subject.

Much sympathy. My brother had an issue with his MiL whipping the hearing aids out of his four year old's ears the second she got him out of sight of his parents and clapping her hands all over the place and calling him, insisting that all the scans, multiple specialists and tests etc meant nothing as she was the only test needed and he could obviously hear perfectly. Nothing convinced her otherwise. It was like some personal crusade to be right.

I dont think you should see this as all about you and how disrespected you are, or how it might make you look bad in front of your DH. He is married to you and you should be able to trust him to judge for himself that the issue is your mothers inability to cope with the disappointment of a child with learning problems.

so rather than seeing it as a battle of who is most powerful/feared/respected, try to approach her with some empathy and say that you know it is worrying and upsetting, and you feel those things to, but she does not have a medical degree (or anything close to it) and if she had a serious heart defect she would suddenly want a doctor, not a hair dresser (ie a proper, qualified expert) to look after her and trust what they say, and she needs to do the same in this instance, because that will lead to better outcomes for the grandchild than being in denial and letting him struggle.

This reaction is all about her own vulnerability and now about how powerful or weak you are.

My dm didn't really believe my sons diagnoses. He has a visual impairment as a result of a genetic disorder. It's not a judgment call, it's a physical disability you can point to. Endlessly I had to hear "he can see this and that and definitely the other". He can't.

It got me really really upset because it was almost like she thought I was making it up for attention. She invited herself to a hospital appointment and changed her tune. There was a black day when she blamed my excessive paracetamol use but other than that she accepts what I say about it

I don't know what kind of ongoing treatment/appointments your ds has but maybe hearing it from someone "official" would help.

Obviously you shouldn't have to do that, but for the sake of moving on.

Some people refuse to accept things like this are even real as people on the spectrum sit in a corner rocking and singing the same song over and over ( my ex boss trying to explain why my daughter couldnt possible have aspergers etc as shes normal , trust me took alot not to punch him)
Some people have a preconceived view and expectation. Some people dont want to admit theres a difference in a child and like to think of said child as perfect.
It would make me feel undermined too but if you've given her all the info and websites etc then youve done what you can and as others have suggested next time tell her the subject is off the table

Its annoying as hell i know. Trust me i know lol xx

^ 'not', not 'now'!

And try to do it in a call not in a text because texts are always abrupt, passive aggressive and feel like a punch in the face. it is a subtle point you are communicating and cannot be done in a short set of abbreviates acronyms and words.

The last person who said similar to me about my DS got the following reply: well a psychiatric dr and 2 clinical psychologists disagree. They got on board surprisingly quickly after that!

Maryz shes pretty good inthat respect these conversations dont go on infront of him thank goodness.

My granny continued to give my little brother eggs after he was diagnosed as allergic . He would come home with rashes and my dm could not figure out why . He told my husband she was letting him have eggs at her house and not to tell my dm . Obviously we told my dm she hit the roof . Granny didn't believe he could be allergic to eggs

Oh god member thats so dangerous! Id be livid. Thanks for all replies.