AIBU to stop DC's from seeing their dad as much?

[TsunamiOfShit]

I've name changed as this will be identifying.

SORRY EXTREMELY LONG!

ExH and I split 18 months ago after horrendous marriage, he made me very unhappy to the point of being put on anti-depressants. It too me years to finally leave due to him being very mentally abusive (making me feel like shit most of the tie and also putting a lot of guilt on me).

I've been incredibly happy since I left him, met a new DP etc.

Our DC's though....they've put on a brave face and have seemed to be coping really well with all this. Over the last few months though our 11 yo has started showing signs of feeling down.

We have the DC's 50/50, one week on, one week off. During their time with their dad they are being very poorly looked after, they go without baths for a week, same sock/underwear for days on end, eat microwave pizzas for dinner, and don't leave the flat all weekend. Their dad does not do anything at all with them, does not take them to football, scouts or any other activities. Won't even take them to the park to kick a ball around.

On Monday, I had a call from school saying DC1 (11 yo) had been telling a friend that he hates his life and that he was going to kill himself that evening by throwing himself out from the window of his room at his dads (4th floor with a parking lot underneath).

I went in to school to pick him up, had a chat with his teacher and head teacher (they were brilliant). They reported this to social services and asked me to phone social services myself as well.

When I got home, I phoned social services who were not interested at all! I practically begged them for help but they said no and that school is not worried (as he was with me) and it would be up to school to escalate.

I sent social services an email the following day again asking for help, they replied saying no.

I went in to school to speak to his teacher again, she promised to phone social services again as when she spoke to them, they had said they were going to offer help.

I've gone to the GP and have now managed to get DC booked in for a counselling session which I'm happy about.

But I now need help in how to withdraw the DC's from spending any tie with their dad, as I am sure he is contributing a lot to my DC's feelings. (DC have also said this himself.)

ExH was awful to live with, always negative, everything is always somebody else fault, and he guilt trips everyone around him. Now that I've left, it seems the DC have had to take on all of this on their shoulders.

I want them to live only with me. Maybe see their dad every other weekend but preferably not overnight. I'm worried sick about my DC and their mental health.

Problem is that when I tell exH, he will kick up an absolute shit storm and threaten all sorts of things. When I said I was leaving him he ended up in custody (after having said he was going to disappear with DC and take his own life, and also trying to smash my front door in.)

I need help dealing with this, help in how to talk to exH about this. I can't do it on my own. How do I get help doing this when social services are point blank refusing to get involved?

Oh god, I don't want to read and run. In short OP, Fuck your ex and his feelings. Call the police to tell them you are stopping contact for your sons health and that ex may try to kick off. As he has ended up in custody before that may make him think twice.

I hope the counselling session goes well and the issue is identified (although I also suspect father guilt tripping your poor DC is the issue) .

Im sorry your going through this, good luck OP x

I think you need a solicitor as you will need to start proceedings to apply to the court for a change in custody. If you think the risk to their health is imminent I would probably refuse to let them go to their dads but that never looks good and depending on your Ex, he might be able to really cause problems and escalate the situation by being abusive so I would avoid that drastic step if I could. Keep on at the school, SS and the GP. It will be proof that you've asked for help and may give you/the court some expert advice sooner than later.

But I think you need a good solicitor now.

You need legal advice and to take this through the courts. Also inform the police before you tell him see if they could offer a PSCO or someone to be there with you when you tell him and explain why. Not that he deserves an explanation. Your poor DC

You will need a solicitor. And evidence (maybe through counselling? ) that your dh is part of the problem here.

It sounds like your DS is struggling to come to terms with the split 50/50 can work but it can also not work and it doesn't sound like he's coping well going between the two homes. It's at no blame but could he also be struggling that you've moved on relevantly quickly and have a new partner?

I did. I went through courts though.
Dc told them he didn't want to see him. I offered contact centre so DC was safe and protected but ex refused.
Not seen each other in years. Exact same back story to you I left the DC got it.
Good luck and hugs.
SS said this to me but I stopped ex seeing them so they knew DC was safe. I think if under his care and they get a call they will take action.

It's totally bent the child contact / child rights. But feel for the agencies as they get the cases but they haven't money for the staff. My friend left SS as she was told to ignore cases that she wanted to help or at least keep an eye on them. She couldn't sleep at night. She now a voluntary councillor picking up the shit that the government leaves behind with it cuts, councils kids with abusive pasts inc mine! ( nothing to do with your point but just defending some social workers and that they do care )

Definitely go for through official channels. Ask the kids how much they want to see him. Your eldest is old enough to say whether EOW is good or if that is too much and tea twice a week would better for them.

It's at no blame but could he also be struggling that you've moved on relevantly quickly and have a new partner?

Yes, that thought has crossed my mind but they do seem to get on very well and DC1 has really taken him on as a father figure. That could obviously also have been something DC1 has done to make me feel better. He is very caring and does always try to keep me happy, which is obviously part of the problem.

You need legal advice and to take this through the courts. Also inform the police before you tell him see if they could offer a PSCO or someone to be there with you when you tell him and explain why. Not that he deserves an explanation.

Would a PSCO really offer that service? ExH will need it explaining to him because he really can't see what he is doing wrong as everything is always someone else fault.

He has the DCs believing he is really poor and that I am rich. I've got a "nice" house with nice things in it and I also buy the DCs uniforms and all other clothes.
ExH has a lower income than me but I let him keep the child benefits so that he could can claim housing benefits and tax credits. All included we both take home the same amount of money each month, but ExH is chasing to spend his money on gambling, cigarettes and alcohol instead of the DCs. (And prostitutes but that's another story!)

The main reason he will kick off when I take the kids is because he will then lose the child benefits and all other benefits. He won't be angry that he gets to have the kids less.

He has been in his flat for 18 months now. I let him keep all furniture form our old house but he couldn't be arsed to get a van in to move it so he left it when he moved out. I let him keep the deposit from that house - but he lost most of it as he left furniture and couldn't be arsed to clean it.

He now has no furniture apart from a sofa and a tv stand. The DC's sleep on mattresses on the floor and they keep their clothes in suitcases and bin bags. This is 18 months after the move!

I am not worried about the evidence.

I did. I went through courts though. Dc told them he didn't want to see him. I offered contact centre so DC was safe and protected but ex refused. Not seen each other in years. Exact same back story to you I left the DC got it. Good luck and hugs.

Selfishly this is what I am hoping for! That he will just give up and go away in the end. Well done you for being this strong and I hope your DCs are ok now.

Definitely go for through official channels. Ask the kids how much they want to see him. Your eldest is old enough to say whether EOW is good or if that is too much and tea twice a week would better for them.

Eldest is suffering but the youngest would hate me for stopping him seeing his dad. DC2 is 6, he loves his dads house. He doesn't have to bath/shower, he gets to stay up late, play Call of Duty and eat pizza every night. Sadly he loves it!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He gets the child benefit and other benefits while his dc sleep on mattresses on the floor! Time to call a family solicitors office and make an appointment.

You will need a solicitor. And evidence (maybe through counselling? ) that your dh is part of the problem here.

There will be enough evidence if it comes to that. They just have to visit his flat, it's awful.

School have also had issues with him. He's sent DC1 to school with a packed lunch consisting of a massive family bag of nachos only. Another day a jumbo sausage roll only.

There has been other incidents as well. In winter he was dropping DC1 at school 30 minutes before gates opened. It would be raining and DC1 did not have a coat. They phoned exH about this and he shouted abuse at them, asking them what the hell they wanted him to do about it. It's not his fault he has to get to work on time!

School arranged for DC1 to start going to breakfast club after this happened.

Thank you millions for all your replies here

You need a social worker to do a home visit to dad and see how they are living when they are there. You can try to get the school to put pressure on the local authority to do this, or you can go private which might be easier.

www.baswindependents.co.uk/

Please make sure School have recorded these incidents.

My other DC still sees his dad. It's hard but totally manageable.
All done through the court.

It can be done
Same dc 2 idolises dad. He is an utter arse but it's for dc to decide, I think one day dc2 will change his mind under his controlling ways as he grows up as dc1 did.

It's not being selfish it's doing what's right for dcs individual needs. Courts don't expect just because siblings they will have the same view as all children have different emotion physical and education needs

He sounds like an absolute waster.

OP its worth a go with PCSOs, the police don't have the time for things like this but part of community policing is to help out with matters like this. You'll probably need to really beg and genuinely be really fearful for your safety for them to do it for you though.

#uck me!
He could loose all contact letting them sleep on the floor!
The courts look at these needs as well as just contact.
I'd get a good solicitor and sent him up the river!

Offer a contact centre or activity based ( soft play bowling ) contact only for dc2. Not stopping him just ensuring your dc 2 basic needs are met whilst under his care.

Good luck

Bloody hell OP - I'd think by what you've said here you've got plenty evidence that your ex is a terrible person parent. I feel terrible that your dcs have gone through this, and while I get why dc2 likes going, there's a reason we don't let 6 year olds decide their bedtimes/mealtimes/activities (a little levity but I am taking this seriously)
I think pps have this covered with advice, but wanted to add a voice of support

I've always been in favour of 50/50 if it's in the interest of the children.
On this occasion it's not, at all, and I do think temporarily overnights have to be pulled. ( We did this for 5 months last year with SS 13 at time,this was due to MH issues with his mum and risk taking / sucidial thoughts):
This was by far the best thing for SS, he was exposed to many adult problems beyond his years, which, without action would have had a determental impact on SS Mh. He now sleeps at his mums again as she is back on track and enjoys the contact. (He hated it all last year)

I'd contact a solicitor and then in writing ( email ) state to him overnight contact is being put on hold for the time being to focus on DS mental health, and outline the reasons that you think it's not suitable.

If he turns up at your address, don't let him in, if he carries on ring the police as they can take him away to prevent a breach of the peace. I doubt police will attend for you to just tell him contact is over, however would attend should he then kick off etc.

You need to protect the children at the moment and make sure their lives aren't impacted upon anymore

School has phoned me to say they have now phoned social services again, said they are worried about DS and that they demand that they offer me help.

School also told me to go to the local family centre as they had an 'Early help' programme which would give us an action plan etc. I went there but they just told me to phone the same number I had already phoned for social services, so not much help.

I have booked an appointment to see a solicitor next week (that was the soonest they could see me), it is the same solicitor I used daringly divorce and she was very good.

Work is being brilliant and very supportive and are letting me take the time I need to sort this out. Also offered to fund counselling sessions although I probably won't take them up on that as counselling for DS has been sorted.

Thanks for the update OP, hope it all goes ok. The school sound fab x