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AIBU?

To be fed up of angry shouty dh

17 replies

Wornout8 · 18/07/2017 22:45

At the moment he seems to completely blow up at the sign of any criticism whatsoever, gets very shouty and I worry he resents me and the children, I think he is trying to make the situation work but can't sustain it without these bursts of anger.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 18/07/2017 22:47

He needs to employ better strategies for deal with his anger or his is going to pass his Behaviour on to your DC. you do not need to put up with someone who shouts at you. Have you suggested counselling for him?

AlternativeTentacle · 18/07/2017 22:50

he resents you? why not start to resent him and his inability to act like a grown up? i am betting he is not on a forum or worrying about you resenting him and his angry shoutiness?

Wornout8 · 18/07/2017 22:52

No I don't think he would go, the problem is with me apparently as I am starting arguments and criticising him, this can be any slight negative comment, tonights was because I asked him to do something with one child while I sorted out another, he dragged his feet for quite a while and I questioned it which resulted in the blow up.

OP posts:
Wornout8 · 18/07/2017 22:54

No Alternativetentacle he is fast asleep in bed, I'm cross that the children had to listen to it more than anything.

OP posts:
User02 · 18/07/2017 23:40

There is no way that you and or your kids should be tolerating an angry shouting man making your lives a misery. I bet it is also scary. I know that I am scared when I get shouted and verbally disparaged and I know that it is only a matter of time until this goes physical. I don't have a DH or a DP. It is someone bigger than me.
I really do think you have to consider the safety of the DCs and your.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 19/07/2017 00:13

Is there anything going on for him that you may be unaware of? Family or work issues? My dh gets shouty and snappy when he has other stuff going on and I totally disagree that it automatically means it will lead to violence.Hmm You are right to feel fed up but before you know the cause you aren't in a position to critisize.

SpottedGingham · 19/07/2017 00:16

Him shouting isn't going to make anything better. I freeze at shouting and can't think straight due to my father shouting and pulling shelves off walls when I was a child.

He needs to communicate a lot better.

BigChocFrenzy · 19/07/2017 00:21

You most definitely can criticize an angry shouty OH , especially with DC around.

You and the DC should NOT have to put up with that.
Totally unacceptable behaviour

YANBU
What do you want to do about him ?

Wornout8 · 19/07/2017 06:22

I don't know Bigchocfrenzy, it's frustrating, I know that when he comes home later he will be fine but If I mention last night I will be accused of causing another argument, however I'm going to broach it and tell him I can't and won't tolerate it.

OP posts:
splendidglenda · 19/07/2017 06:38

OP. Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.
My husband is also shouty and angry. But he denies it and basically says I'm imagining it. I hate it. I literally have horrible dreams about him being aggressive now. My poor kids. I agree that counselling would be the best thing for your dh. All the best OP

EastMidsMumOf1 · 19/07/2017 09:07

No you cant critisize someone without understanding what theyre feeling and why. Also OP I hate to play devils advocate but keeping on bringing it up is really not the way to go, your adding fuel to the fire - step back, give him space to breathe, dont ask him to help you with anything, just let him be, if his angry shoutiness doesnt subside then youve already prepared yourself to go it alone. Otoh if it DOES subside then he will be in a better frame of mind to be open with you about whats causing his anger instead of having the "nagging wife" constantly on at him.
If hes a good DH and father to his DCs 99% of the time, give him the benefit of the doubt.

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2017 09:13

Please ignore east.talk to him, don't tiptoe around him and think he shouts because oh he must be feeling , Tell him if he is frustrated at something that as an adult who has made promises to his wife and who owes it to his children to be a role model , he can't shout at you. If he does can he go outside until he's calmed down.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 19/07/2017 09:26

Time - you cant force someone to see their actions are wrong, like OP said she will be accused of starting another argument so why give him an "excuse"? Hmm Im not saying OP should just tolerate it but if she has tried everything then this should be the last resort before deciding to leave.

brotherphil · 19/07/2017 10:53

EastMidsMum's question about "if there's anything else going on" sounds very relevant - I recall times when I've needed more meds because of stress, and once when I tried reducing them because of side effects, and it gave me a useful piece of info for gauging the depth of my depression: for many people with depression, what you experience is not 'feeling down'; what you experience is everyone being very annoying, and generally it seems clear that they are doing it deliberately to wind you up. If this is what DH seems to be experiencing (as far as you can tell from the outside) and this is not what he is usually like, it may well be that he is suffering depression. I know that before I got help, I went from a laid back, happy go lucky type (though apparently rarely noticeably happy) to being a grumpy old git, particularly in the year or so leading up to my first breakdown. If this is what is happening for DH - stress at work, that sort of thing - catching it earlier is better if you can. Just mind how you broach the subject, obviously: Particularly if someone's feeling got at, mental health can be a touchy issue, and men especially can feel like it reflects badly on them to admit to it. If Prince Harry can do it, though, I reckon the rest of us can.
Good luck and best wishes to DH from someone who's been there, if it seems politic to pass them on.

Luttrell · 19/07/2017 12:22

'Don't ask for his help with anything' and don't be 'a nagging wife'? Top advice East, why not tell her to put up with 'just a slap' too? How can he be a good anything raging in front of his children?

EastMidsMumOf1 · 19/07/2017 13:23

Oh come on luttrell clearly thats not what Im implyingHmm we dont live a black and white world. If OPs dh is struggling with something going on in his life and isnt able to voice it due to concerns of "criticism" then hes hardly going to be a joy to be around and will see OP as a "nagging wife".

EastMidsMumOf1 · 19/07/2017 13:26

If OP has explored every other option then she has nothing to lose, if he doesnt change then shes fully prepared herself for going it alone if she was that way inclined to do so.

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