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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Am I asking too much?

52 replies

TheEmmaDilemma · 18/07/2017 22:22

I can't be bothered to name change.

So who is unreasonable here.

I generally work from home 3/4 days a week, with a day in the office. This helps us as we have an old dog who will have accidents otherwise. I feel he often puts my job down because I 'work from home'.

I also generally do 75% of the shopping, cleaning, washing, washing up (no dishwasher) etc.

My DP does work longer days than me often. But sometimes in the office 15 mins from home, sometimes away travelling. Sometimes long days, sometimes away for days at a time.

When he has a long day or has been away and I know he's having a long journey back, I try to make sure I something nice for him to eat, I check in with him if there is anything he wants? Does he need me to get him ciggies, would he like vino, what would he like to eat etc.?

Today was unusal for me. I had to get up and on the road for 7am. I did 8 hours driving and a few hours in a meeting. As it happened I was back before him. However today he just had a day in the office.

I had a few wine servings left in the bottle. I poured myself one when I got in.

He did the same when he got in.

When I was still half on the first glass I said, can you slow down, I've had a shit day and I'd really like another glass or so.

"Yeah. I'll just go down in a bit and get you some more otherwise."

My glass, empty. Him 3 up. "But is raining now, you want to me walk there now?"

No comments on why do we need wine please.

AIBU that he is a selfish fuckwhit?

TLDR.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 18/07/2017 23:30

Well, he has been a selfish sod but I think you are setting yourself up here by calling him to see if he needs 'ciggies and vino'. That has a very 1950s feel to it and does rather throw too much focus on his needs and absolutely none on yours.

Turvey94 · 18/07/2017 23:31

Totally unreasonable - I feel frustrated for you!

He's being a dick but maybe just try to persuade him to go as nicely as possible - you always catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Maybe don't tell him he's being unreasonable - from my experience that doesn't work. Grin

Original poster
TheEmmaDilemma · 18/07/2017 23:36

@MrsBobDylan I get that. It sounds that way.

And I do get annoyed that he sometimes sees my 'WFH' as pissing around. I won't mention I still (just) earn more.

It does enable a little more flexibility. And if I know he's been on the road for hours, or away in a shitty hotel, yeah, I'm kind of going to check if there's anything I can do for him if I have time. It's the thoughtful thing to do.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 18/07/2017 23:40

He sounds like a prize knob!

Op start murmuring about how your going to have to do more days in the office and how he's going to have to do more at home.
Make a list of the jobs you do.
Divide it in half and say to him I already work and do 75% of the housework, now you need to do more so we'll take turns.
Bet he'll soon panic then.

MumsOnCrack · 18/07/2017 23:53

Yeah some people do this - DH eats my food too. Hmm

WicksEnd · 19/07/2017 00:05

YANBU. Pour it into a pint glass next time and glug the bloody lot.

Ellisandra · 19/07/2017 00:13

On the isolated incident, I don't think he was so awful.
He said he'd get you some more, but when it came to it, it had started to rain so he tried to duck out. That's OK - you might have said "actually I've had a glass, I'm knackered from the drive and off to bed in a minute - not worth getting wet for".

All in the tone and in general willingness though.

You need to look at the bigger picture though - you feeling that he doesn't do things for you, him not pulling his weight with the housework.

Meowstro · 19/07/2017 00:19

You should have made him go, he offered to do it and should have stuck by it. My DH wouldn't do that but if he'd been that selfish I'd have banged on about it until he went. If anyone, you should be the one sulking, OP.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/07/2017 00:23

You both wanted the wine, i don't think you had more "right" to it than he did just because you happened to have the commute today and he was "just" in an office 15 min away.
He just happened to not drink as slowly as you, there was some left, so he had it.
You could have got some on your way home, or gone out and got more yourself.
You share, you can't "reserve" communal stuff "I want that but not yet so don't have any!" It's like kids licking things they want but aren't currently eating so nobody else can have it. Why didn't you just pour yourself a bigger serving to start with or top up when he filled his second glass?

CoughLaughFart · 19/07/2017 00:28

clearly posters are missing the comment where I said no comments on the need for wine

Or maybe grown adults don't want you telling them what they can and can't comment on?

MadamQuimby · 19/07/2017 00:54

I think some PPs are missing the point and are selectively reading
The point boils down to this:
When he has a long day or has been away and I know he's having a long journey back, I try to make sure I something nice for him to eat, I check in with him if there is anything he wants? Does he need me to get him ciggies, would he like vino, what would he like to eat etc

Emma makes an effort to ensure her DPs needs are met - she's showing she cares to ASK him what/if anything he needs.

Tonight, he did not reciprocate and she quite rightly feels let down.

cough it's not about adults saying what you can and can not comment on. The point isn't the wine, it's the lack of thought from Emma's DP. The same to Jill it's really not about the wine, it's the fact they shared it, he drank more and said he'd replenish it but then copped out.
Why don't people actually RTFT

Tofutti · 19/07/2017 06:47

Stop getting him treats! He can get them himself after work, some shops are open 24 hours!

He doesn't value it so stop it and let him realise.

ChaoticKate · 19/07/2017 07:48

We resolved this type of dilemma with a large wine rack and a subscription to naked wines. And in response to the actual question, I do think your husband was being unreasonable.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/07/2017 09:02

I also thought it was strange that you only had one bottle of wine in, but there are plenty of good reasons for that such as space, money, wanting to avoid 'if you've got it, you'll drink it' etc and that's not the point anyway.

The point being that he took more than his fair share after you had agreed to share what was left or he go out and get more and then he didn't. You have every right to be pissed off at his selfish, inconsiderate and greedy behaviour.

MineKraftCheese · 19/07/2017 09:07

YANBU he sounds selfish and lazy! He shouldn't have offered if he wasn't willing to go. That is honestly a cunt's trick.

RestingBitchFaced · 19/07/2017 09:24

He was BU. You should have shared what you had left equally, and either get more or not. Either way would have been fair

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2017 09:30

I agree he behaved selfishly. Most people would split if that's what was agreed and if one said I will get more so will drink more now, then keep that promise. Basically he drank your share, then broke his promise, and is now sulking.

Petty, yes but annoying and selfish all the same.

RhiWrites · 19/07/2017 09:40

So when he has a long hard day you lush him up and when you do he drinks all the wine and sulks that you asked him to do as he said he would?

Selfish, lazy, thoughtless bugger.

Stop lushing him up. Next time he has a long day he can have beans on toast. Tell him if he's not going to reciprocate you won't bother.

twisterinyogapants · 19/07/2017 10:13

I don't understand people disagreeing with you. You didn't ask him to not have any you just wanted him to share evenly and went he didn't and said he would get more then didn't he was being selfish. And he sulked because he knew he was.

Side point how small are your glasses ? I only get 3 out of a bottle.

Giantwhoopsie · 19/07/2017 10:24

He was selfish and inconsiderate but tbh your post does come across that you do tend to pander to him quite a bit. You do 75% of all the chores, you both work and when he's had a long day/journey/worked away etc you do something nice for him. Does he ever do anything nice for you because he's been away or been working long hours and you've had to manage on your own?

I know you've also asked posters not to comment on the wine but lets be realistic most posters are going to be thinking Why the hell are you arguing over who gets the largest share of wine? It does come across that you're both leaning a little too heavily on alcohol to unwind.

RiversrunWoodville · 19/07/2017 10:42

LtbGrin no I'm not serious but yes I'd be pissed off too, it's more the disregard for your work and effort than the actual wine itself. That and saying he'd go rather than just leaving some [sad

RiversrunWoodville · 19/07/2017 10:43

Excuse the random sad attacked by cat!

Original poster
TheEmmaDilemma · 19/07/2017 11:47

I had the tiny glass, and he had the big glass too. Even worse.

I may purchase matching glasses for a start.

Thanks to those people actually getting why I was pissed off.

OP posts:
StumpyScot92 · 19/07/2017 11:52

OP I have lots of wine I can't drink because everyone bought me it for my birthday which was before I announced I was pregnant. The selfish bottles keep staring at me, taunting me. Come drink mine to put me out my misery.

I had to give the baileys bottles away because they were just being downright evil looking at me.

NoCapes · 19/07/2017 11:57

What does TLDR mean?