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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to walk away from friend

12 replies

Simmeringpot · 18/07/2017 19:33

Long story will try to keep it short.
Met friend through school as kids became best friends.
We got on really well and had alot in common. We were both at that point off work long term with mental health problems and really seemed to click in how we saw things.
Just for context incase its important i have 3dc two older and one younger who is asd.dh is also asd.
Back ground and very personal so wont go into much detail but i have no family in my life due to abuse both sexual and mental, this included loosing both parents and a sibling. Was really hard to find it in me to move past fear and walk away losing a job and family etc.
Ive always been there for friend who jas needed alot of support but it has begun to seem that all i ever do is support her. She seems happy when shes unhappy if you see what i mean.
You know as soon as one drama is solved she will find another and thats how its been for some time now.
Yes shes listened to me on some occasions when im not coping with two asd people at home or when ive had some concerns over flashbacks etc but tbh it normally if i think about it turns into how bad her life is so i never really get that support.
She will moan about everyone she meets, everything that happens, fat shames her fiancee who she wont admit to anyone shes engaged to etc. Fat shames me and my hubby. Yeah i know im weak and should habe fought back but cant.
Lately She will message non stop sometimes even at 1am despite telling me she wants time alone but messages me anyway as someone has annoyed her.
If she doesnt get the poor you response shes looking for she ignores any more attempts to talk or see her ( like a punishment) then ofcourse when she needs something again shes back to messaging.
I've recently started counselling for the abuse and will be deciding on court action or not. Low and behold friend is nowjere to be seen. She has a drama and wants me to feel sorry for her which i just dont have tje for anymore. Even seeing her name come up on my phone is tiring.

I wanted to try to see the good side and hope it was all depression and she couldnt help it but im a mess. Im in agony on new meds myself which mean i cant even get out and about, counselling and finally facing it has hit really hard. Hubby is angry with her and did make clear to her fiancee ( they are friends) how bad things were for me at the moment but nothing at all. Just some texts earlier to say how hideous her life was etc.
I feel so bloody alone coping with it all and just wanted a little back from a friend. Should i be supporting her at the moment ? AiBU ?
Please be gentle. Long time lurker first time poster.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 18/07/2017 19:50

I didn't want to read and run. But absolutely not. You're not being unreasonable at all.

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time. Flowers but I'm glad you've got the support of your DP and counselling.

She is not your friend. She is using you as and when she needs you. It's pathetic. And yes you absolutely do deserve a friend to be there for you. Is there anyone else in rl you can talk to?

I'd ignore her. Concentrate on yourself. Take care Flowers

Questioningeverything · 18/07/2017 19:51

I'd tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. Jesus she sounds so draining you don't need that.

Hope you're ok, counselling can be really rough

Simmeringpot · 18/07/2017 19:53

No sadly i dont have anyone other than dh in rl to talk to as no family and lost work mates etc when i had my breakdown.
Guess i need to brave it and get out more lol xx

OP posts:
Simmeringpot · 18/07/2017 19:55

Thanks yes its draining. Not sure dh can understand how much but its exhausting. I know in my gut its not right but its being brave enough to say get lost i guess. Give me balls people lol x

OP posts:
WinnieTheWitch50 · 18/07/2017 19:55

Yanbu, you need to concentrate on yourself, hope the counseling helps you Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2017 19:56

Please walk away from this woman. She is shockingly toxic.

BugLand · 18/07/2017 19:58

It doesn't sound she is a very good friend to you, and it sounds like you have an awful lot to cope with yourself. The prospect of reliving the abuse through a court case must be horrendous and a genuine friend would be supporting you with that. This is a chance to make a new start, whether you go ahead with court or not, so do not let people trample on you. Draw boundaries and stick to them. I know it is hard, but it will make you much happier in the long run. Flowers

Questioningeverything · 18/07/2017 20:01

I had one similar. I was going through an incredibly traumatic experience and she wouldn't stop on about stupid petty stuff like it was the end of the world. Like she'd phone me at all hours to talk AT me. I'd get the obligatory 'how are you' to be cut off after me saying 'not great, I feel...' she knew the trauma, she knew my past.
I don't think there was a trigger point exactly but one day I stopped answering her calls, texts, messages. I'd explained I was headed for a breakdown and needed time to myself and she kept messaging me woe is me stuff.

Op it's been two years now. I'm so relieved not to have to deal with her

Simmeringpot · 18/07/2017 20:02

Thank you. Think i just need to hear other people say im ok for feeling this way. This is huge for me, life changing in many ways and i just wanted a little support. Her current drama is so silly that if i was on the outside of this looking in id be telling me to stop being so bloody eager to please and tell her to do one.
Just cant seem to get my head around why anyone would know this is going on in someones life and not want to put life to one side and help or support as i have done for her many many times.
I had hoped to have her support through it i guess and kept assuming she would change. More fool me i think. X

OP posts:
Outnotdown · 18/07/2017 20:04

Sorry to hear about all the challenges you are facing. Your friend may also have difficulties, but support seems to be a one way street for her, and that is not true friendship. I would cut her loose.

Could you access any mental health support groups, or are there peer support groups for survivors of abuse in your area? You may meet people in that way and form friendships which could be more equal.

Good luck op, its a tough road and you sound like you're facing everything with courage and dignityFlowers

Simmeringpot · 18/07/2017 20:04

I know its not helping me is it and its ok to think of me isnt it... come on me. Find some brass balls and be rid. Youre all right.

OP posts:
Simmeringpot · 18/07/2017 20:08

Outnotdown
Some lovely ideas there and i will look into some peer support groups as you could be right.
Yes she has some problems but if im honest i dont believe she wants to move on from them and i do want to be positive about my life. Ive always been there for her but i dont even get a how are you lol. She knows whats going on and her current drama is a minor injury. If i waited until she was drama free for her support id doubt id ever get there.
Thank you for your kind words.
I believe ive helped her all i can and have to now see whats right for me x

OP posts:
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