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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go and see Spiderman instead of going to FIL's birthday party?

26 replies

n0ne · 18/07/2017 07:42

Today is FIL's birthday. Not a big one - 72 or 73 or something, but the PILs are hosting a get-together as is their want, with all their siblings on both sides and some friends etc. Birthdays are a bigger deal in my adopted country than back home in the UK. DH and SIL have taken the afternoon off, and DD(4) will be taken out of holiday club to attend.

I'm 33w pregnant and due to start maternity leave in 3 weeks. Work is really busy while I tie up loose ends before then. I can't leave early as all my holiday is being tacked onto the end of my mat leave.

The party will be from 2ish to probably 6, half 6. I finish work at 5, but I don't have a car and they live an hour+ away by bus. DH could come and get me, but I'd basically be there an hour max, and I'll be knackered and expected to make small-talk with aunties in a foreign language.

So I said I wasn't going. We're seeing them on Sunday anyway, all of us. Now the AIBU part. Some newish friends have invited me to the cinema tonight, the first time ever. I hardly ever get to go cos of DD, it's a 10 min walk from my house. I checked with DH, he said it was fine as long as the PILs never find out, but I can tell he's miffed. AIBU to go to the cinema while gagging off FILs birthday?

OP posts:
TizzyDongue · 18/07/2017 07:45

You'll arrive at the party when it's finishing? While it seems wrong to purposely not go, it does seem pointless going to a party just as it ends.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/07/2017 08:32

No, not unreasonable at all. You'll love Spiderman!

How would PiL find out that you were at the cinema instead of at the end of a party? Unless your DH lets it slip....though he could say that as you're about to start ML soon, you've been invited out with some of your work colleagues for a bit of a thing and that you're sorry you can't make FiL's party this time, maybe???

FatCatFaces · 18/07/2017 08:39

Yanbu to go out with your new friends but I thought Spiderman was a pile o' shite.

AnxiousSadOnion · 18/07/2017 08:41

YANBU. Enjoy your time to yourself. I'm jealous. I liked the new Spider-Man film. Smile

ajandjjmum · 18/07/2017 08:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but at the same time, I don't think it's very nice of you. You can't say you're too tired to go to your PIL but not too tired to go to the cinema - it's clearly what you'd rather do.

But I can see I'm not in line with others on this.

We're in the UK and birthdays are a big deal in our family, so maybe that's colouring my view.

Whatever you decide, hope you have a good time. Smile

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/07/2017 08:51

Be honest - how would you feel if he sacked off your family because he was too tired and then did something else?

I understand that you'd be arriving as the party was finishing, but it's the thought that counts iyswim.

It's not that I think you're being unreasonable, but I don't think your DH is being unreasonable either.

Original poster
n0ne · 18/07/2017 10:09

That's what I thought. I don't think IBU, but it's not very nice, is it? Blush

OP posts:
Bluerose27 · 18/07/2017 10:12

Go to the cinema. It's not really a choice between the party and the cinema. You weren't going to the party anyway for a few reasons. You were going to have some "me time".
So have your me time at the local cinema with friends.
DH doesn't mind, pil won't know and you're seeing them at the weekend anyway.

Have fun at spider man

toosexyforyahshirt · 18/07/2017 10:12

Be honest - how would you feel if he sacked off your family because he was too tired and then did something else

Well if he was nearly 8 months pregnant and working, I;d tell him to look after himself and do the thing he'd enjoy more and would be easier for him.
OP, who really cares if you go to the last bit of a party for someone you'll see at the weekend anyway? It doesn't matter, do what you want.

And spiderman is brilliant!

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/07/2017 10:13

Go and enjoy!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/07/2017 10:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but at the same time, I don't think it's very nice of you. You can't say you're too tired to go to your PIL but not too tired to go to the cinema - it's clearly what you'd rather do

this, just seems unkind and uncaring and if they found out it would hurt them, and it would hurt your DH too, is a film really worth it?

Justhadmyhaircut · 18/07/2017 10:14

Depends how important long term family relations are to you if word gets out.
If fil swerved a dc party and went to gardening club instead how would you feel?

PinkHeart5911 · 18/07/2017 10:14

But presumably you've known about this get together for a while? If I had no I wouldn't sack it off to see Spider-Man

If your dh said well I'm tired so I don't want to bother to come and see your family but I am however going to the cinema, would it bother you? I think if it wouldn't bother you then fine, but if you would be bothered by it why are you playing to different rules

I don't think it's completely unreasonable but I don't think it's very nice either, I mean your pil won't be around forever but spiderman isn't going anywhere

toosexyforyahshirt · 18/07/2017 10:17

Are people missing the point that she's not going to the party either way, because she can't get there before its over?

It's not spiderman or party, its spiderman or go home alone.

Seriously, if your family relations were harmed because you went to the flicks instead of home, your family would suck bigtime.

Justhadmyhaircut · 18/07/2017 10:25

Op stated she could be there an hour max. . .

That's still attending though. . And a show of face etc. .

When dc arrives would op be happy with similar snub?

toosexyforyahshirt · 18/07/2017 10:28

No, she said she wouldn't get there til 6 and it would be over by 6 to 6-30.

It's not a snub. It's an invite, not a summons!

FagAshMIL · 18/07/2017 10:30

Yabvu. Spiderman is a cunt

Original poster
n0ne · 18/07/2017 10:58

Yeah, to clarify, I wouldn't go to the party as it's a massive trek after work, I'm 8m pregnant, I'd only be there for an hour then have to trek home again, and it involves taking to old people in Dutch which is mentally exhausting. I would have just gone home after work without the cinema invitation. Going to the flicks involves a 10 min walk, then sitting on my butt for 2 hours, then 10 mins back. It's hardly comparable.

As to DH sacking off a visit to my folks, that's exactly what he said to me. But my folks don't make a fuss of birthdays, especially non-landmark ones, so it'd never come up.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 18/07/2017 11:02

I think it depends really - if the PILS find out that you told them you were too tired to attend the party but then went to the cinema - so essentially a "better offer" they might be very hurt.

I never think its worth hurting people. I would do as you'd planned. Go home, have an early evening with no child, no DH, put your feet up and watch telly!

HateSummer · 18/07/2017 11:03

You'll only be at the party for 30mins? Is it in a restaurant or in their home? If at home, surely as family you'll be allowed to stay a bit longer and eat food/cake etc? I'd pick family and food and cake over Spider-Man, although I do love Spider-Man and Iron Man, I was supposed to take ds to watch it but keep putting it off.

Original poster
n0ne · 18/07/2017 11:22

It's at their home. If I went there under my own steam I'd be knackered, hot and grumpy when I got there, and I'd be knackered at work tomorrow. If DH comes and gets me it's an hour+ he'd have to disappear off, while they're having dinner. It makes no sense. I'm seeing them all on Sunday.

They'll never find out about the cinema, I don't see how they could. They're not really into superhero films so it'd hardly come up in conversation!

I should have turned down the cinema invite, that would have been the decent thing to do. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity of actually going to the cinema (we never get to go!) It seemed so fortuitous it fell on the same day so I wouldn't need to arrange a babysitter. Ah well, I can't cancel on the friend now, that's just as bad

OP posts:
HipsterHunter · 18/07/2017 11:23

Sounds fine! You're at work, its not easy to get to, you're seeing them at the weekend.

KC225 · 18/07/2017 11:48

Go and see Spiderman. The at 33 weeks pregnant sit down with a giant bucket of popcorn and enjoy yourself. FIL will have plenty of other people there to celebrate his birthday - Enjoy

justilou · 18/07/2017 13:59

YABVU - Wonder Woman is much better!

toosexyforyahshirt · 18/07/2017 14:15

I never think its worth hurting people. I would do as you'd planned. Go home, have an early evening with no child

Wow, some people actually think like this? On the slight chance that PILs might find out that she went somewhere instead of home like a good little girl, she should not see her friend or have a rare treat for herself, even though it makes not the slightest difference to anyone anyway?

what a sad, martyrish way to think!

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