Not having anything to do with MIL

8 replies

Daisypops · 25/03/2007 19:52

DP and his mum don't get on. Its a long story, I know the general details but he won't even talk to me about her its that bad.

We've just had a baby and his mum came to see us. DP was very reluctant to let her come and when she was here he was very uncomfortable. She belittled him more than once and was trying to be nice but her nasty side was plain to see.

Anyway when DP was out of the room she asked if she could see me and DD on our own. I just said we'd have to see... DP heard her say this and when she had gone he had a bit of a rant about it. I said I had no intention of seeing her on her own.

I don't see why she wants to see us and not her son. What do I tell DD when she is older? Why should she have the joy of a grandchild when she has had nothing to do with her son for 20 years? She also never contacted either of us when I was pregnant to see how I was.
So am I been unreasonable by refusing to have anything to do with her. DP just goes with what I say!

OP posts:

Pennies · 25/03/2007 20:10

Hard to say without knowing the reasons for the breakdown in the relationship in the first place.

You could look at it the other way and that by doing this you will depirive your DD of a potentially good relationship with her GM. She may have been a crap mum but could be a great gran.

gothicmama · 25/03/2007 20:11

No you are not being unreasonable, how about having letters from her to dd that way you can manage her contact and make sure it is not poisonous if she put your dp down ask youself if she is capable of stopping , if she can't take you all as a family she is deluded adn it is not worth the strain she will put on your relationship with dp

mummytosteven · 25/03/2007 20:13

I think your loyalties should lie with your DP, and you should respect his wishes. So No. Particularly as it would appear she can't maintain a veneer of civility towards her own son during a brief visit.

Charleesunnysunsun · 25/03/2007 20:14

You are not being unreasonable. We have nothing to do wil MIL although she had a brief few visits with DS1 she has never seen DS2 and we don't really mind.
We go by the theory that she has made no effort to rekindle a relationship with her own son (dp) so she shouldn't have one with her grandsons.

Original poster

Daisypops · 25/03/2007 20:22

She left DP's dad when DP was about 10. DP was devastated, never got over it as he was a real mummys boy. Apparently she thought she'd missed out on her youth so just left and set up with a new fella...and had another son

I have thought about whether I'm depriving DD of a gran, but I also wonder if she'll abandon her when she gets bored. And what if she belittles her? MIL lives about 2 hours away so its not as if we'd have regular contact.

OP posts:

squeakybub · 25/03/2007 20:23

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magicfarawaytree · 25/03/2007 21:23

not unreasonable, however, do think of grandchild. unfortunately as the own of a particularly vile mil, the argument is between I and her and hard as it is for me to bear her to be near my children I allow her access. She comes to my house and abides by my rules. ie no removing them from the house or gardens. easy at the moment as they are all 5 and under. more difficult as they get older, buyt then it will be supervised visits out only, no overnight stays with granny (which as much as I detest her is a shame) but the children to and extent come first. perhaps you could try the same agree a set of rules with your husband for your mil ie no snide remarks, no undermining etc present those to your mother inlaw as non negotiable ( we did is a a we want you to have a relatonship with them and this is how we want to go forward ( if she is anything like my mil she will probably act all wounded and surprised that she has done anything wrong - but she has agreed. it was necessary on the first couple of visits to allow her no slack at all, any hint of bad behaviour was picked up on, but after a couple of visits a bit like a child she realised she could not get away with it. if she agrees then fine if not then she is effectively choosing not to have a relationship with them. I'll be honest its not easy having such a vile creature in your house but the delight of your children as long as she is putting their needs first makes it bearable. I do feel for your husband though to have a mother like that. but you need to ultimately do what is best for you as a family.

helenhismadwife · 27/03/2007 21:11

My feeling is that I would not want to do anything that would hurt my partner, he was the innocent party when she 'excluded ' him before, and very obviously hurt him a lot and now wants to be involved with his dd but exclude him from that, hurting him again, but with the bonus of having a lovely gd.

I think she has a bloody nerve to be honest and I would say as much to her, and ask her why she wants to be involved with your dd and what she suggests you should do about your dp feelings. I would also see if you could find out what your dp would like to happen.

I agree that children gain a lot from grandparents but not when those grandparents cause upset and make their own parents uncomfortable. Far better to have happy loving parents

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