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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex h and dd

13 replies

pmppns · 17/07/2017 21:37

Long story short, my ex is trying to be controlling over our 4 yo dd. She starts school in sept and m-f will be at school with me and f eve- sun eve with him. He lives 80 miles away with his new gf and near his family. I live in my home town where dd's school is.

I've text him saying that dd has been invited to the party of her best friend next weekend and if he wants to see her then he can pick her up afterwards til the Monday morning. He's text back saying he's not s babysitting service (I didn't imply he was) and what about his plans- if he makes any major plans he usually will tell me in advance, so As I haven't heard anything I presume it's ok. He's being an arse imo, as he also wants every weekend still when dd starts full time school. This not being fair in my eyes as I will only see her after school and that is even after he's been to the childminders whilst I finish work and get home. I have said this will cause implications as it means I don't get to do fun things with her.

Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 17/07/2017 21:40

Why don't the two of you think about what's best for your child, rather than having petty fights? Of course she should go to the party - what kind of father stops this? How unkind. Get a solicitor and sort this out once and for all.

GreenTulips · 17/07/2017 21:43

Yep - get a solicitor, work out what's fair

Include school holidays and birthdays / Christmas

It won't always be like this!

Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2017 21:45

Of course he should not have her every weekend, that is hardly going to be good for her, especially as he doesn't seem to want to put her needs first in this one incident.

How long have you been divorced and is this arrangement finalised? Sounds like it is not. Can you see a solicitor as Sprinklestar suggests.

Although clearly this is not petty since the outcome of it is in the child's best interests and as the one is the one who wants her to be able to go to the party how is the sentence "Why don't the two of you think about what's best for your child..." relevant to the OP who clearly is thinking of the child!

CoughLaughFart · 17/07/2017 21:51

Telling him 'if you want to see her you can pick her up after the party' wasn't exactly helpful, was it?

Original poster
pmppns · 17/07/2017 21:54

We've been divorced for 2 years split for nearly 3 for unreasonable behaviour on his part. He was drinking heavily, tried leaving numerous times before I actually left for good. I am not the bad guy, I just want my dd to be happy and seeing her friends makes her happy. When she's with them they spend a lot of time with the gf's family (the mother is terminally unwell) but surely it's not much fun for her to be there all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
pmppns · 17/07/2017 21:56

Probably not, I should have worded it better. Also I don't take her up to him because he decided to move so far away and the "deal" was he has to pick up drop off.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2017 21:57

pmppns sounds pretty grim for a child!

Could you talk to your ex about all this, or if not talk to a mediation service.?

Is he still drinking? Still abusive? It sounds a nightmare. Thanks

Original poster
pmppns · 17/07/2017 21:58

As for a solicitor I really can't afford one, I work 20 hours and am not entitled to legal aid, although I think they've stopped it for family law anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
pmppns · 17/07/2017 22:01

From what his gf said he's not touched alcohol for s long time. Hes not abusive, just a complete unreasonable shit bag these days.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 17/07/2017 22:48

I know my opinion may be not be popular but I am a woman and I think even though she has a party you should have given him the details and let him deal with it. Move to every other weekends but don't interfere with the access. I have been through it and its crap but he is entitled to spend the time as he sees fit- same as you.

carefreeeee · 17/07/2017 23:18

I agree with wanna that it probably appeared to him that you were laying down the law about how he should spend his weekend time with his daughter, and even using the party as a way of controlling him. Possibly left to himself he would have let her go to the party. You could have explained that she wants to go to the party, and one way to make it easier for him if he wants to let her go, would be for him to collect her afterwards instead? and let him decide. No-one likes to be told what to do.

Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2017 23:59

If you cannot afford a solicitor is there any way you can go for mediation together. Would his girlfriend be reasonable or is she too affected at the moment by her mother's impending death?

Hopefully you can work out a system or alternative weekends.

AnathemaPulsifer · 18/07/2017 00:01

There's no way it's fair for him to have every weekend. No way on earth.

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