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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my friends off?

32 replies

eirrah · 17/07/2017 19:34

They aren't interested in my life. They only get in touch when it suits them. They get jealous of any other friendships I have. They do petty things like never "liking" another on social media. They've all said they can't attend my wedding as another friend is getting married the same year (not actually sent her invites out). They make me feel really shitty about myself and make me question whether I'm a nice person, or else why else would they treat me this way?

My boyfriend says it's emotional abuse sometimes and so do my work colleagues.

I feel really shitty and know I need to ditch them but after 15 years of friendship in the same circle of friends I'm kind of scared.

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 17/07/2017 19:35

If you have had 15 years of being second rate then bin them. .

acapellagirl · 17/07/2017 19:38

Please bin them!! I did and never looked back in a similar scenario- never regretted it and wished I'd done it sooner!!

MusicToMyEars800 · 17/07/2017 19:40

Bin them off and get some proper friends, I don't understand some people who behave like that.

IggyAce · 17/07/2017 19:41

These people are not your friends, they are bullies. Unfriend and block on social media and block their phone numbers. Don't give them a second thought, tbh they all sound like they are still at secondary school.

Original poster

eirrah · 17/07/2017 19:43

They are all I've ever known. One is due to give birth next month and I've decided I have i will send a congratulations card but I have no intention to visit her or the baby no as she's said some very hurtful things about me this weekend to somebody else. I am really hurt and upset, and not meeting the baby will be the final nail in coffin so to speak to confirm I no longer want to be part of their circle. It's just a bit scary but I know I need to do it.

How do people meet new friends?x

OP posts:

Marylou2 · 17/07/2017 19:44

You don't have to excommunicate your friends because they're not friends at all. Don't waste a moment more of precious life on these ghastly people. They won't change. Cultivate new interests and friends worthy of your time and effort will materialise. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

acapellagirl · 17/07/2017 19:45

I would not send the congrats card tbh. The liberation you'll feel when you've cut them off will be great!!

squirtymcsquirterson · 17/07/2017 19:46

I totally get why this is hard for you by believe me, it will be the most freeing thing you ever do. I had a similar situation but with a group who were always so negative to the point I got so miserable just being with them but like you, had known them forever. In the end I couldn't take it anymore and just cut ties with them. And I've never been happier. I'm sure you will make a ton of new friends but just remember, it's better to be alone and happy than in a group that makes you feel less than you are xx

acapellagirl · 17/07/2017 19:48

Squirty that's so true describes my situation circa 1990

acapellagirl · 17/07/2017 19:48

1999 to be accurate

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 19:55

When I had my hen do i had friends from all across the country, walks of life and different parts of my life. Every one commented on how nice my friends were. My thoughts were of course there nice - there my friends. I wouldn't have friends who weren't nice and awesome.

Please don't waste another 15 years being their punchbag, emotional or metaphorical.

Just stop contacting them and see what happens.

Is there anyone at work you put more effort into for friefrndship? Do you have DC who have friends who have nice Mums? Reading group? Hobby? Those apps that introduce you to other people? Not Tindre

Groovee · 17/07/2017 20:01

I feel sad reading this. Their loss. Just cut them off and move forward.

Twillow · 17/07/2017 20:15

People who don't want to come to your wedding ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Original poster

eirrah · 17/07/2017 20:45

One girl has been my friend for all those 15 years and she isn't a nice friend. She's let me down so much and we had a big bust up before christmas. Whereas another girl has been my friend for about 2 years and she is a genuinely good friend. I have chosen her to be my maid of honour and another of the girls said to her that so and so will be offended that I've not asked her. I can't believe they are trying to pressure me into even who I pick. They are jealous of this new friendship but I don't know why. I'm a njce person - why can't they understand other people see that in me and want to be my friend too?

I feel rather embarrassed to type it all up as it so childish and something teenagers would do.

I don't have any children. I have other friends who I text occasionally but these are my so called "best" friends. I know I need to cut them off. Firstly I am going to unfollow on social media but not delete.

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 17/07/2017 20:55

why don't you delete them?

I sympathise as there's a lot of social pressure attached to having 'best' friends and if you drop yours you might feel like you are starting from scratch but it sounds like you have one special friend ( the maid of honour) and you will make others. Do you have a hobby you could spend more time on? Are you confident with people you meet/ colleagues and do you invite them out for drinks/lunch etc. or do you wait for them to take the lead?

Original poster

eirrah · 17/07/2017 21:02

I joined a running club but it was very cliquey and people had been there years and were already in friendship groups so found it really hard to get involved!

I don't know why I'm scared to delete them. I think I'm scared they'll tell people I'm in the wrong but I need to stop being so bothered and think of myself, I know.

The trouble at work is I work with a lot of older ladies. I am mid 20s and they are mostly late 40s, married with children, and different sort of lives to me and my boyfriend who enjoy going out to gigs etc.

OP posts:

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 17/07/2017 21:14

Rip that bandage off, delete and block them. Ignore any flying monkeys (people who come to ask why you've done it) I wouldn't be sending a birth card.

Watto1 · 17/07/2017 21:20

I had a group of 'friends' who were shitty to me but I put up with it for years. One day, after a particularly nasty comment by one of them, I decided just to stop contacting them and wait until they contacted me. After all, they are my friends and will wonder why I've not been in touch won't they? Well, 18 years on, I'm still waiting for them to get in touch. Getting shot of them was the best thing I ever did.

TheLegendOfBeans · 17/07/2017 21:21

Right, first off running clubs are well cliquey so avoid. Yoga, aerobics, body pump etc much better.

Regarding what to do....just don't see them anymore. You don't need to "strike" by unfriending on social media/calling them out on the wedding BS. Just drop them mentally and the rest will follow.

I feel for you v v v much by the way. I've just come to terms with massive changes to my friendship group and its taken me 18 months. I feel bitter and angry but I'm getting there.

Friends don't shit on each other. It's simple as that. These people are not your friends so feel no guilt xx

Fruitcorner123 · 17/07/2017 21:25

You definitely need to delete and forget about them. They sound really horrible.

As for making new friends could you try a different running club? A spinning/aerobics class or something?Does your boyfriend have male friends with female partners you could get closer too?

Also don't rule out friendships with people of different ages and at different stages of life. I'm not late 40s yet but am married with children and still enjoy going out to gigs and having fun on a night out! It is hard when you work full time and have a busy life but if you free up the time you spend with the losers you have described in your op you will find other people fill that gap.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/07/2017 21:27

also don't know why I said the friends have to be female and the boyfriend can only have male friends. Terribly sexist of me - sorry.

Jupitar · 17/07/2017 21:33

I would just unfollow them for now and delete them later when you havent had contact for ages. At least they're not coming to your wedding so you can now drift away from them.

I had some nasty friends and found that once I left that group I then found other friends. There's lots of reasons why but staying with friends who treat you like shit can stop you from making lots of other friends.

Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2017 21:37

They sound like leeches, sucking the life blood out of you.

"Whereas another girl has been my friend for about 2 years and she is a genuinely good friend. I have chosen her to be my maid of honour ..." Great, focus on people you like.

"...and another of the girls said to her that so and so will be offended that I've not asked her." YOU decide who is your maid of honour, not your random frenemies.

"I can't believe they are trying to pressure me into even who I pick." Just resist the pressure to do what they want, it won't be in your best interests.

"They are jealous of this new friendship but I don't know why. I'm a njce person - why can't they understand other people see that in me and want to be my friend too?" They are jealous because they sound incredibly cruel and petty.

"I don't know why I'm scared to delete them. I think I'm scared they'll tell people I'm in the wrong but I need to stop being so bothered and think of myself, I know. " Do you know how you remove a blood sucking leach? "Carefully". Just drift away from them, so that no one need say you were mean, or had a big bust up, or said this or that etc. I mean they may say it, or they may not, but you do not need to tell them what utter shit friends they have been.

Just be slowly unavailable, busy elsewhere etc.

If they do not read what you write on line, they will not be too concerned about your on line life and if they cannot be arsed to come to your wedding, graciously accept their refusals. No arguments or drama. 'So sorry you cannot make it..." And then move on, smile inwardly as you know that eventually they will be out of your life.

Agree with Watto's approach.... "I decided just to stop contacting them and wait until they contacted me. After all, they are my friends and will wonder why I've not been in touch won't they? Well, 18 years on, I'm still waiting for them to get in touch. Getting shot of them was the best thing I ever did."

Also agree with TheLegendOfBeans, "Just drop them mentally and the rest will follow." Excellent wording.

Original poster

eirrah · 17/07/2017 21:38

Thank you everyone for the replies. Makes me feel a lot better. I have been questioning all day whether maybe I am doing something wrong for them to treat me this way but the reality is that people shouldn't treat anyone that way to begin with.

I haven't spoke to them all weekend and don't plan on doing so either so will just stop all contact.

Thanks again xx

OP posts:

numbmum83 · 17/07/2017 21:40

They won't come to your wedding coz someone else is getting married in the same YEAR ?!! they only go to 1 wedding ? Or will they both be abroad ?
If that's friends you've got , I would hate to see enemies !

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