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DS dad aibu

10 replies

Theonethingididntwant · 17/07/2017 16:24

We split ages ago. He can never be bothered to see DS and now we've had to sort an agreement that worked for DS where he sees DS one day a month.
Ex chose this arrangement I just told him it had to be a regular arrangement that he stuck to for once. He has stuck to it for he most part (for a few months now) so I thought things were getting better.
I've asked him to help with childcare over the summer for a week rather than one day for the whole month and he agreed.
Now he's saying he can't do it due to work because he's booked time off for the first three weeks and he won't be able to tell me any other times he can help until he's come back from his little jolly (I'd need to have booked childcare by then anyway)
Aibu to think he's an absolute Shitter?
He told me it's my own fault for not getting a job that didn't work around DS school hours... I couldn't afford to have a school hours job and there aren't any that I'm qualified for 😡

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MusicToMyEars800 · 17/07/2017 16:32

So did he book the holiday after agreeing to help with childcare? If so what an arsehole, and who is he to tell you that you should have a job that works round school hours, he should be pulling his weight as a parent and be happy that the mother of his child is working and giving his DS the best possible life!! Angry what a knob!!

Theonethingididntwant · 17/07/2017 16:48

He did book it after he agreed yes. He's tried making out like it's something he needs to do for work but he's done this before. He insisted he couldn't see DS before due to a "compulsory work skiiing trip" the arse.

There is a huge part of me that really wants to cut him out completely but I know Id be the bad guy then. Whatever I do I end up being the bad guy and he gets off Scott free!

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MusicToMyEars800 · 17/07/2017 19:00

Cutting him out isn't the way to go, Just keep doing what you're doing, your DS will get to an age where he will be able to work out that his father is the one who lets him down and is the bad guy and that you are and have been doing your best! He won't get off scott free, it will end up biting him in the arse.

Theonethingididntwant · 18/07/2017 10:01

Deep down I know cutting him out is the worst thing for DS but I don't understand why he says he cares about his son and then treats him like dirt. A lot of the time it feels like he only sees him so he can come over and get a dig in at me. He makes really unreasonable requests knowing I'll say no just so he can pick a fight as well.

I hope whatever happens with DP and I that DP will still want him in his life. DS sees him as a dad as you can imagine. It feels like we have a nice normal family life except this one little spot that pops up once a month like an unwelcome bout of diarrhoea and every now and then he'll just kick up a fuss to make me feel bad about how it went with us. Thanks for letting me rant though. I think sometimes I just need somewhere to shout about what a dick he is because I know it's not good to do at home in case DS hears me.

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ClopySow · 18/07/2017 10:15

Stop facilitating any kind of relationship. If he makes the effort, let it happen. If he fucks up, don't let it happen. He'll eother buck up his ideas when he sees you no longer give a shit or he won't.

Never rely on him for anything, it will be pulled from under you at a moments notice - as you've found.

Theonethingididntwant · 19/07/2017 10:44

I think that's the best thing Clopy. It's not my responsibility to make an adult actually care about and want to spend time with his son.
DS will not be worse off for it. I don't want him to ever feel like he needs to ask why his dad didn't care about him though. His confidence is shot as it is thanks to all this. I'm hoping DP and I can change that.

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ClopySow · 19/07/2017 17:23

I gave that advice as someone who put up with crap for years. I wish i'd stopped bothering when they were much younger but i thought i was doing what was best for the boys.

swingofthings · 19/07/2017 17:50

Oh yes, that sounds so familiar! Trying to get ex to help during the summer month was like expecting him to go a whole week without sleep. Always coming up with excuses, telling me he would confirm, but never getting back to me, so would have to make alternative arrangements in the meantime, and then he would tell me that it was my fault he couldn't have them.

The longest he's ever had them was a total of 4 days during the whole 6 weeks! This resulted in me having to desperately sort things out with friends, taking time off around my colleagues and inevitably having to pay for a number of days at the holiday club, which ex never helped with!

The best part is, finally got to the stage where DS and DD didn't need childcare any longer but a couple of years later, ex's DS with his new partner started school and what did he do? Told me kids they needed to help with looking after their brother during school days because he didn't want to pay for childcare!

The outcome of his attitude though is that DD only goes to see him when she is free, and DS is refusing to go all together and doesn't miss not seeing his dad.

As you've said OP, that's what happens when the kids get older and had years of getting used to not being a priority.

Theonethingididntwant · 24/07/2017 17:21

Thank you for all your kind messages. Still haven't had any word from ex but will update if he kicks off (probably in a couple weeks time when he realises he's missed out!)

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Theonethingididntwant · 02/08/2017 22:26

As predicted. Got a message today asking to see DS this weekend despite him saying he wouldn't be available so had organised childcare. Lots of unreasonable requests regarding contact. Blamed me for him never seeing him. i don't even know what to say or do any more with him.

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