Page 2 | To feel gutted about missing baby's milestones.

SeashellsSeaShells · 2017-07-17T10:42:29+00:00

Today is my last Monday of maternity so I'm feeling a bit weepy. I have to go back to work full time on Friday and teeny tiny DD is with grandparents or daycare every day. 7:30-5. I feel awful that I'm probably going to miss everything, her first giggle, word, step ect. My request for part time hours got turned down (I am looking for other work) and I can't afford not to go back (Baby was a surprise so no savings and only maternity allowence) I know it's my own fault that I have to go back when she is three months old but I'm selfishly feeling sorry for myself missing out on my darling girl and feeling sorry for her being in daycare so many long hours at such a young age [sad] Am I being selfish being upset myself when her daddy already misses so much?

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 17/07/2017 12:05

In my experience from talking to friends & childcare professionals (nursery staff, nannies, childminders etc), most seem to have an "unofficial policy" that the big firsts never happen when the child is with them, they let the parents tell them that X child walked for the first time over the weekend even if X had taken a few steps on Friday afternoon

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/07/2017 12:07

Dd didn't do any 'firsts' at nursery because they didn't tell us. You can always ask them not to tell you until you tell them. Grandparents are more likely to tell you I guess though.

MetalMidget · 17/07/2017 12:10

I know exactly how you feel. We decided to try for a family but completely misunderstood paternity/maternity pay - we thought it was 90% for the duration, not just the first few weeks. Stupid, I know.

I'm in a male dominated industry where career breaks are inadvisable (once you're out it's nearly impossible to get back in), and part time hours are frowned upon. We also live in an expensive area. I had to go back full time when our baby was 8 months old, and the guilt is killing me (even though he bloody loves nursery!). I miss him so much. :(

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 17/07/2017 12:12

If it helps - my mum worked mostly from home when I was a baby and her and my dad had next to no evenings out for months and months. They first one they had away from me was when I decided to take my first steps ....

You don't always get to see these things even if youre around nearly all the time

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 17/07/2017 12:15

Also my aunt looked after me when my mum absolutely had to go into the office - it gave me a wonderful close relationship with her that I treasure as well as my relationship with my parents.

Likewise I have fond memories of nursery even though I never liked it when my mum left - although I was about 3 then. I'm not sure how old I was when I started just that I was old enough for me to have some memories of it.

sadie9 · 17/07/2017 12:15

Can I just say what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Everyone feels like this having to go back to work. It will take a few weeks to get used to it, and yes you will feel shit for a few weeks. But then you will feel strong and your normal self again. Your baby will be well cared for whoever she is with, and hopefully you might get a job with better hours sometime soon in the future.
Also be aware when you go back to work, you may feel fragile, helpless, feel you are not up to the job, worried and fretful, forgetful, lonely, and conflicted and resentful some of the time especially the first 2 weeks back. Oh yes and guilty. Did I forget Guilt!! But you may also enjoy the time being just you and the socialising with work mates. Just go easy on yourself and don't take on too much at work at first. You are still a great mummy even when you are at work. And your baby is being well cared for.

drinkingtea · 17/07/2017 12:17

Your child's first word is actually more likely to be Mummy if you aren't always there, responding without needing a name More kids say daddy first (although the da sound is also easier than mu)

I was a sahm and none of my kids said Mummy first - one said Dada, one eldest sibling's name and one said "makefud!" (Composite "make food" with meaning and pointing, probably because I used to sigh "I suppose I'd better make food" and then food would appear )

KoolKoala07 · 17/07/2017 12:18

Following with interest. I will also have to return to work with a 2.5/3 month old.

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 12:21

Ah OP yes 3 months is better haha.

Mine was still in hospital at that point so no practical advice but I would double go through all the bills. Can you take a mortgage break? Would you get any tax credits? How much is childcare? Can anything be cut down.

If you definitely have to go back just remember you are doing what is best for your family and you will see it all for the first time regardless of who else has seen it x

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/07/2017 12:35

Oh lovely, no wonder you're having a wobble, not many women go back to work at 3 months in the UK.

Please double check everything you're entitled to & how much childcare is going to cost & see if you can't afford to have a bit longer at home with your lovely DD. More for your sake than hers!

However, if you really can't then you just have to get on with it really don't you, while furiously job hunting :(.

As others have said, first things really are blurred lines...they are so hard to define. Try not to get too hung up on it & just let your parents get excited about seeing her 'firsts' if they do (or think they do). They love you, they love her - babies have lots of love to go around. It's hard to explain how insignificant/unimportant the 'firsts' quickly become. When they first took a step is so irrelevant when you're then chasing them around trying to stop them falling. Or when you're wondering why you were in such a bloody hurry to hear their first words when they won't stop saying 'No!' 😂

It will be hard to leave her, that's natural, but your parents & childcare will look after her & add different things to her life & you will have her every morning, every night, all weekend & holidays. Try to make the most of your time together, get into a good route me with crap like online supermarket shopping and get a cleaner, even if it's only a couple of hours a fortnight. Make sure Daddy is pulling his weight with her & the house, not 'helping'. Start as you mean to go on, there are NO rewards for being SuperWifey...none!

It'll all be ok, honest 💐

Original poster

SeashellsSeaShells · 17/07/2017 12:37

Thanks for the kind words. As PP said my career doesn't lend itself to career breaks. Equally I go back on Friday so it's too late to change.
I was told there would be a job share oppertunity so I would only be leaving her three days a week but that fell apart so I'm working more than expected.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 17/07/2017 12:37

I had to go back full time when DD was 12 weeks old, it was hard but worked out fine. As said above 'milestones' tend to evolve rather than be sudden occurrences. Good luck and hope you find better hours soon

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 17/07/2017 12:42

You poor thing. 3 months is still very young. Of course you are going to miss her. And I'm sorry you couldn't get part-time hours.

As the others have said, make sure you recheck all the financial aspects. Good luck .

GnomeDePlume · 17/07/2017 12:49

As others and many, many people before me I had to go back to work when DCs were small (6 weeks, 3 months and 4 weeks respectively). It is hard to get used to it but you do get there.

My DCs are now in their teens and older. That I wasnt there to see their first XYZ didnt take away the magic of seeing it for the first time myself.

PoppingGlitter · 17/07/2017 12:49

I went back to work when DD was 3 months old, probably the hardest things I had to do, however I had no choice due to financial reasons (I was the main breadwinner) as this was 20 years ago in the days before paid leave.

It got easier, it did help DH worked nights and weekends so DD wasn't in childcare 5 days a week, 12 hours per day. And my DD absolutely adored her creche, the staff were incredible.

Lules · 17/07/2017 12:51

3 months is early and I know I felt sad going back even with an older baby. But I don't remember any of mine's 'firsts' specifically. For a lot of things it's a gradual process anyway. I remember disagreeing with my mum about whether his steps counted as steps (she thought they did!)

Babbitywabbit · 17/07/2017 12:54

Me and many of my friends returned to work when our babies were 3 months old back in the early 1990s. In fact the only people I knew who didn't, were those who gave up work Completely. ML was way shorter than now

I appreciate it no doubt feels a lot harder to you because it's not the social norm any more. If all your friends were doing it you'd feel differently.

Rest assured your child will be fine. My kids are now adults and are happy well adjusted individuals so this is about your feelings rather Than the impact on your child. In fact you'll probably find she settles into child care far more quickly than if she was older

As others say, the 'firsts' don't matter a jot. The first time YOU see your baby crawl or say a word will feel special. The firsts thing is sometimes used as an emotional thing to make mothers feel they can't possibly leave their child for a moment.

But let's face it- you could be a SAHM and your child does something for the first time while your back is turned for 15 seconds

You won't know and it won't matter.
Parenting is about the long game; not whether you were there poised waiting
To witness the first time they do anything

kingfishergreen · 17/07/2017 16:44

As others say, the 'firsts' don't matter a jot. The first time YOU see your baby crawl or say a word will feel special. The firsts thing is sometimes used as an emotional thing to make mothers feel they can't possibly leave their child for a moment. thank you for saying this Babbitywabbit it's just what I needed to hear.

OP I left DD at 5mo (shared parental leave so she's with my husband until she's 11mo) and it felt absolutely gutting. In the run-up to the end of my maternity leave, I was really dreading it.

However when it actually came to pass, it was okay, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd anticipated.

For the first couple of weeks I felt the freedom of commuting and working, it was amazing to have two hands free, I hadn't had that for five months. Work felt like a bit of a novelty.

It got a bit harder for a while after that, I could see her growing and developing, babbling nearly-words, sitting on her own, crawling, weaning... and there is a part of me that feels like I'm missing out.

But all-in-all, it's for the greater good, DD is well cared for and loved, I need to work both financially and psychologically, it has really helped me feel like myself again.

I miss DD a LOT, but she hasn't forgotten me, I come home and she's all smiles, and no one can make her laugh like I can. There is an unbreakable bond there.

kingfishergreen · 17/07/2017 16:48

thank you for saying this Babbitywabbit it's just what I needed to hear.

Wah, just re-read and I sound like I'm being sarcastic!! I'm not, it was a kind thing to say, and genuinely made me feel better!

Ev1lEdna · 17/07/2017 17:07

OP I missed my first son's first walk across the room and I got to the private nursery and the told me he had walked. I was gutted, I felt so unhappy.

Then I got home and he was so keen on showing me what he could do and so pleased with himself all the unhappiness disappeared and I enjoyed our moment of when he first showed me. Believe me when I say this your baby will want to show off to YOU, her mummy.

My OH missed first almost everythings but it doesn't make it any less special when you see it and when they are 12 and grunting at you (my first son now) it really won't matter.

It's hard when you first finish maternity leave, really hard and you do feel sad but trust me - you have plenty of special times to come.

Ev1lEdna · 17/07/2017 17:09

As others say, the 'firsts' don't matter a jot. The first time YOU see your baby crawl or say a word will feel special. The firsts thing is sometimes used as an emotional thing to make mothers feel they can't possibly leave their child for a moment.

Yes this completely - you just have the first moment for YOU and your daughter and that makes it special.

Socksey · 17/07/2017 17:45

You won't miss everything.... maybe some things but the baby will still be your little miracle.. ..
I know what it's like.... I had 12 weeks maternity leave and had a baby born at 31+2 .... so he was tiny when I left him.... no family on the same continent etc but an amazing childminder who was a second mother to him... she was great.... only time it ever hurt was when he ran out after her screaming for her when she left to go home at the end if the day at about 18months.... she was amazing and made a game if it for him.... and she will always be his Auntie-mama.... but me and DS have a very close relationship.... and he is extremely protective of me at age 8.... he was at 4 and even 2....
It's hard but it will be ok... look after yourself and remember that working is for both your benefits xx

mmgirish · 17/07/2017 18:27

It's hard but you will be fine. I've been there. I went back after 11 weeks with my first and only 9 weeks with my second ds. I wasn't in the UK and paid maternity leave was only for 6 weeks. That's all I could afford too. You will see all the milestones - it will be a first for you when you see them.

My advice is when you are at work try to stay focused on work. Don't constantly call to find out how the wee one is doing.