To think that confidence is more important than friends in the first instance?

[acapellagirl]

I feel that when I was growing up my mum and other people around me made a big deal of the importance of having friends but nothing about things like self confidence and self respect. I ended up being a people pleaser and very badly taken advantage of in life

I know exactly where you're coming from. You might be oversimplifying a bit, but in essence, I'm with you.

It seems to be a bigger issue for women than men, sadly.

Thanks for your reply Koala. I suffered hideous bullying in school because my mum pressurised me to 'make friends' and called me selfish for liking my own company. I was only 13 at the time and this led to a broader problem of me not being able to assert myself in any way lest I be thought of as selfish e.g things like saying no, etc.
Now as an adult I feel that good friends and supportive people can be really important but what's more important in the first instance is one's own self confidence as that can help us steer a smooth course iyswim

Koala I've never thought of the male/female dimension but that's an interesting take!

I also have a massive problem with saying 'no'. I feel as if I'm too available to other people, too self-effacing and eager to please. It doesn't lead to people liking you, it leads to them using you and treating you like dirt, in the long run.

My own mum visited me from out of town last week. One of the things she was doing in her limited time here was visiting her old acquaintance Jane. Despite Jane having invited herself to stay with my mum only a few weeks before and being a completely rude and exhausting house guest. Mum doesn't even particularly like Jane anymore. Yet she 'had' to visit her because 'I said I would'.

It's just an insane level of putting someone else's feelings and preferences before your own.

Your first sentence describes my to a T Koala - and the other observation about it not leading to people liking you is spot on. My dad is also very similar to the way you describe your mum!

I think I oversimplified Koala just to make the post as clear as poss iyswim. I have been exactly like you describe your mum vis a vis Jane. I think the more confidence you have the better the quality of your relationships is BUT I think that friendship and confidence are 2 distinct entities.