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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he would be pleased?

23 replies

LilyWhites325 · 16/07/2017 15:06

Name changed so I don't out myself. Basically been with new DP around 11 months, he has 7 year old twins with his ex.

Relationship ended amicably so no issues there, I feel I have got to know his DC's and have a good relationship with them. If it's worth anything his ex seems lovely never any issues or resentment or anything like that, I accept although I do not have DC of my own his children will always come first. I would never expect any different tbh!

Anyway his car was written off last month and we haven't been able to replace it yet, so I have been dropping the children off at their mothers on Sundays ready for school Monday as a favour.

First few times he came with me, then the last 2 times I went alone as he had to go into work on short notice (project deadline coming up).

Anyway me and his ex were chatting the last time, she invited me in for a coffee. It was really nice actually, chatting about the children (we'd taken them to a water park over the weekend) she was showing me some pictures and things like that. We got on really well, discovered we have a lot of interests in common and the same sense of humour. Laughing about how this could be potentially seen as weird etc etc.

Now obviously I'm not expecting us to be best friends or anything like that, but I think it's nice for the children we get on have a positive relationship and can pass on info about the children. I thought my DP would be pleased we both got on, and not just for the DC, as we are going to have to be on each other's lives.

Well no, he went spare saying is disrespectful to him, confusing for the children and just weird.

Did I overstep the mark or is he being childish???

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 16/07/2017 15:08

Sounds like he is worried you will also realise he should be an ex!!
Tell him it's better for his dc if everyone gets along.
My dm and sm used to go out drinking together and to the gym. . My df didn't approve but they didn't stop!!

MrsHathaway · 16/07/2017 15:12

How could it possibly confuse the children? And how does it disrespect him? I'm baffled.

I do think it's possibly weird, but I have zero relationship with any of my exes so the idea of socialising with their new partners just doesn't compute

Is he worried she'll tell you some truth he's hidden from you?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/07/2017 15:15

Well, that says a lot about him ..... something he doesn't want you to hear, maybe ?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2017 15:17

I think your partner is being absolutely ridiculous and immature. How can there possibly be a better situation for his children (and him!) that you and his ex get along so well? There isn't! Also, even though she is his ex, he can not tell you who to be friends with. I think he's freaking out that maybe the two of you will start sharing secrets about him, which I highly doubt you will. He needs to get over it.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 15:18

Not sure i would like dh to cosy up to an ex.

I dont have anything to hide. Not even really sure why. But dh sat have drinks with me ex then telling me how well they got on, how many shared interests etc.

No i wouldnt be happy. Wouldnt go mad but wouldnt like it.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2017 15:19

I think he may be worried you would find something out about him he doesn't want you to know. I imagine he thinks you both sit talking about him.

annasfarmgirl · 16/07/2017 15:20

You and his ex sound like mature adults, doing their best for the children involved.

He on the other hand.....

FWIW I know plenty of people who grew up having good relationships with step-parents, 'half'-siblings' other parents, etc. They were not confused. In fact 'well-adjusted' is the first term that comes to mind.

I remember one friend telling me about a teenage holiday with her father, his wife and his ex-wife (neither of whom were her mother), a good time was had by all apparently!

pigsDOfly · 16/07/2017 15:23

How odd of him. I think it's enormously positive for the DCs if you can both get on like that. And how is it disrespectful to him. He needs to get over himself, the world doesn't revolve around him.

Would he prefer that you're both spitting an snarling about each other?
Silly man.

Jupitar · 16/07/2017 15:29

Men always worry that they will be the topic of conversation 🙄 just reassure him that you weren't talking about him and you have no intention of doing so.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 16/07/2017 15:50

How odd and totally over the top. What on earth is wrong with you having a friendly relationship with the mother of his children? What exactly is 'disrespectful' about it?

Funny how he has an issue with you not asking his permission to talk with his Ex, yet he's totally fine with you using your car to run about and ferry his kids to her - so it's fine for you to do it when it suits him.

I'd be having frank words and asking him to clarify what he meant. And making it clear that I'll talk to who I want, when I want - and that if he doesn't want me talking to his Ex then he'd better step up and sort HIS kids out himself.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/07/2017 15:50

My cousin has a (now adult) child with her exH. She has always got along very well with her ex's current wife, they used to see each other a lot at the child's sporting events etc and would chat then, although the never moved on to a proper friendship. She and the new wife are similar in looks and personality, so the ex obviously has a type. She said that he didn't like it that they got along so well, both women took the view that it's none of his business who either of them talk to, he learned to live with it.

swingofthings · 16/07/2017 15:59

Could it be that he is worried she would reveal some things that would show him not to have been totally honest with you?

lalalalyra · 16/07/2017 16:03

Did he tell you why they split up?

The only person I've ever known object seriously to his wife and ex wife having a cordial relationship was someone who'd told his wife a pack of lies about why he'd left his crazy ex (she'd left him after he gambled away their house deposit).

SerendipityFelix · 16/07/2017 16:07

Wait, you've been dating 11 months and you're assuming solo childcare duties for his children? He's probably just worried that you'll find out why he is an ex and he'll lose his new nanny!

ladyyyglittersparkles · 16/07/2017 16:33

Be careful - I mistook my DHs ex wife for a nice person and to just want to be friendly. She turned on me a couple of years later and has been an absolute cunt for the last 8 years.
When I say cunt I mean she has made our lives unbearable and now has caused a huge rift between us and one of his dc. And refuses to see her other dc because she lives with us 🙄😭

RebornSlippy · 16/07/2017 16:43

OK, so my first thoughts. "We" haven't replaced his car. Taking solo responsibility for his kids. Being so convinced you will be in eachother's lives forever. With respect, it's all very involved for an 11 month relationship.

However, as that isn't your actual issue here. I get the feeling he doesn't want you to get over involved with his ex in case she says something that he doesn't want you to know about him. What that is I have no idea, but his reaction was certainly strange and going 'spare' is OTT.

RebornSlippy · 16/07/2017 16:45

Having said that, as you are in a relatively new relationship, perhaps you are only now getting to see the real him and he has form for unreasonable behaviour.

OstentatiousWanking · 16/07/2017 16:47

He's hiding something and thinks you will find out from his Ex.

HeddaGarbled · 16/07/2017 17:03

He's over-reacted but I understand a bit. If my H were having one to one social meet-ups with an ex without me, I'd have a niggle of worry that they might share private stuff and maybe even have the odd laugh at my expense.

However, you were doing him a massive favour and I think he needs to weigh that up against his insecurity and try and be a bit more mature.

missiondecision · 16/07/2017 17:03

11 months isn't long. Take things really slowly.
He probably insecure about something. Real or imagined regarding the two of you potentially discussing him.
I mean this without malice, you sound very involved with the children, it's never wise too early on. Be interested in them but don't try too hard.

Original poster

LilyWhites325 · 17/07/2017 12:36

I suppose I see where it could come from we were joking it could be seen as weird, but talking with him this morning he said it just made him feel funny! He did apologise for his reaction, I don't think he has anything to hide and he didn't come up in conversation really at all! We were talking about the children and music etc. Do feel a bit still though.. thanks for the input

OP posts:

Original poster

LilyWhites325 · 17/07/2017 12:37

I guess I will just not do the drop off again if it's that much of an issue. Don't really want to feel awkward if she invites me for a coffee again having to make an excuse.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 17/07/2017 13:04

I think your partner sounds like he is very insecure about the idea of you getting along with his ex. most men would prefer the stereotype of warring exes in truth, because it makes them feel important and means the two women will never gang up on them.

But he has an extreme bloody nerve to get you schlepping the kids about for him but then putting rules on whether you can talk to his ex or not.

Suggest you say either I help with the kids or I don't, but i'm not being your slave and being subject to your silly rules about what i can say to your ex.

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