Just as a disclaimer I am not referring to people who have had awful things happen to them like spouses leaving or dying, or being separated from children by country, or having been abused and therefore have trauma connecting to others.
I have about 6 good, successful friends in their 60s and 70s who complain of being chronically lonely and isolated. As much as I love them, they are people who in their life before have refused to compromise with other people. I have known them for about forty years and they all have similar patterns, men and women. They have not married, considered nobody to be good enough, not had children because they were very career focused (which is fine, obviously) but they have reached their 60s angry with the world that they are by themselves and don't have people to see at the drop of a hat.
They also constantly play the victim card. They say things like "nobody ever wanted to marry me. " or "it just didn't happen for me," which I know is categorically untrue. Or "I would have loved to have had children," when actually if you had asked them 20 or 30 years ago they made it clear they had no interest. And it's not expressed like a regret now, it's insinuated like it's a thing that was ripped away from them by society or other people and we all now need to make up for it.
Two of the women amongst these friends feel that as I am their friend, I should be inviting them to absolutely everything I do because I happen to have a family. That I should be including them in my life as a replacement mother and grandmother figure, inviting them to christmases, birthdays. One of them even expects me to cajole my husband into letting her take him as her plus one to work events (which I am actually fine with, if he is) but she expects all the giving and sacrifice to go one-way (me to her) because she feels I have been given something by society that she has not. And at the bottom of it, i feel, is that they feel that society and other people owe them to somehow dip in and out of family roles in things that actually take a long time to build, and are part of the path you choose in life.
All of them seem to want the instant gratification of being given an important, respected role in a family or group, without the compromise, adaptability, patience or self sacrifice that everybody else has to employ through years in a long term marriage, bringing up kids, or as part of a family, or community group, which is where you earn that inclusion and company.
These friends in particular are very boundried. The subtext is always "if it's not done like this, I am not coming," to which I say, that's fine, do what you want. Or, because they are used to things being just about them, are not accustomed to pitching in with a group, adapting compromising on some things. But then I know that makes them sad when they don't come or don't take part And they later complain of loneliness again and say that they felt they missed out, but they just cannot adapt or find a compromise or swallow whatever pride it is that's preventing them from going ahead in taking part without all their requirements fulfilled. I have introduced them to each other, and potential dates too, but their reaction has always been extreme "I don't know how you bear that awful stubborn person" (i.e. Just like themselves) or they've taken against someone for one small thing.
I am not saying that all people in this situation are like this or all older people are like this, but i am asking you whether you think that (not withstanding all the exceptions I listed above and more) if you have invested in people in your life, by team work and compromise and adaptability, then you have more of a chance of enjoying family and community life and avoiding loneliness and isolation as you get older m?