To stop my grandmother from being around my children if she can't be appropriate?

[candycandles]

So, my mum spends some time with my children on alternate weeks at her house, wherein she has my grandma around too. During the last few visits my grandma has been over there with my girls (4 and 2) she has talked about how her partner is being abusive towards her and goes into some detail about what he's doing to her, all within hearing range of my children. AIBU to tell her/my mum that if she continues to do this I'd rather that she didn't go when the children are there?

Some background points:

1. We have all spoken to my grandma about leaving her partner, she does own a house with him, but his share is minimal and she could easily and comfortably survive without him. She refuses to, although talks about doing so a lot, and I think the worry of being lonely in old age keeps her there.
2. My mum had already spoken to her about not discussing all of the abuse with her, as she finds it both difficult to hear as her daughter, but also as a survivor of a violent relationship herself. She has obviously said we support her and will be there for her, but if my grandma refuses to leave, there's not much else we can do and it makes us all feel helpless. She has suggested counselling would be a good idea for her as we acknowledge that my grandma obviously needs to talk to about what's going on.
3. I am left my children's dad due to him being abusive and as a result am perhaps especially cautious about them being exposed to, in any way, abuse within a relationship.
4. My eldest daughter is particularly nervous of the world, an over thinker and sadly almost too aware of other people's emotions. She is a sponge and takes everything on board and I am especially conscious of her hearing the details and having an emotional reaction to them. My youngest is already much more emotionally robust and I am keen to protect that in her.

I love my grandma dearly, but surely talking about it in front of my young girls is not appropriate? Or am I just being cold about it?

Thanks for the reassurance. I know my grandmother will see it as unreasonable and that we are showing we don't care about her (she did attack my mum for saying that even she was struggling hearing it) so I want to make sure that's not the energy I would be putting out there, when it really is not true!

No, YANBU. There's a time and a place. Absolutely you and your mum should support your grandma, but equally, she is an adult who is more than capable of knowing when and where to talk about things which may upset and frighten her great grandchildren. Have a chat with your great grandma directly. If she refuses to stop, then you can stop contact.

It doesn't matter if grandma thinks it's acceptable - you don't and she needs to respect that. How does your mum feel about it? I wasn't sure if your grandmother lives with your mum or not, but perhaps your mum could ask her to leave if she starts talking about it infront of the kids, or take them out for a walk instead. Grant might get the message if mum is on side.

*gran, not grant!

These are not lessons you want your children to learn.

Maybe this will make her think twice about leaving.

She does not live with my mum, and my mum would completely be on my side although I'm aware that because I'm at work when these visits happen, it would be on her to enforce it, and don't want to put more strain on their relationship. My gran has already been told not to talk to my mum about it as it is, but is not respectful of that, there was a falling out over it, and I'm not sure she's take this very well!

This would be a no-brainer for me. I would ensure DCs were never around her. Im not one who thinks elderly relative = automatic unquestionable respect & they can say/do as they please.

My gran has already been told not to talk to my mum about it as it is, but is not respectful of that, there was a falling out over it, and I'm not sure she's take this very well!

Well, that is her problem surely? Put boundaries in place and if she crosses them, remove the children.

Thanks all, pleased to see I'm not being super sensitive about it and will talk to my mum about how best to tackle it with my grandmother later.

Your grandma doesn't seem to understand or respect boundaries or have many of her own. Absolutely, ask for it to stop. It is also for your mother to protect herself from her mother. However, even in adulthood it is easier said than done. I'm mid 40's and my dh will be speaking to my mother about her behaviour toward me and how it is affecting our dd.

Unfortunately, I think if your mother can't protect your children against her mother, you will have to seek alternative childcare. I know this will penalise the children and your mother, but I don't see another option it your grandma still refuses to discuss her issues around the children.

I'm astounded that your gm doesn't or can't understand how traumatic it can be for such young children to hear of abuse being spoken about so casually in front of them.

Three generations of women all the victims of abuse and she thinks it's OK. Well, it's not bloody OK. She needs to be kept away from your daughters before such suffering becomes completely normalised for them.

Dear God!

I would be aware before you start that it may not go the way you want - that your mother may end up not being able to provide childcare if her mother can't be there when the kids are - would you really want her to have to choose?

Think out the outcomes before lighting the touchpaper...

YANBU. She is setting a bad example for the children.

I would not be so much worried about the descriptions of abuse, as about the lack of consequences for her partner. "He hit me, that's why I left him" would be okay, but "He hits me every day" and staying with him? No way.

Have you taked to her about this? Not just saying that it is inappropriate, but emphasizing the fact that she might set up your children for getting into an abusive relationship with her behaviour?

If she loves them at all, she should be able to at least stop talking about the abuse. (Though I am worried that if your children see her partner at all, they might get the abusive vibes nevertheless, and normalize it.)

You're not being cold. Witnessing domestic violence is classed as serious harm to a child in the UK, although AFAIK hearing about it second hand doesn't fall under that definition. Still, if your older daughter especially has experienced living in a house with domestic violence then hearing it discussed in that context can't be good. Major props for getting yourself and them out of it, by the way. That takes a lot of courage.
beyondthepage has a point though. Do you have any other options for childcare, so your kids can see their DGM when her mum's not around?