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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to resent DS's bond with exP (his father)

5 replies

GillClarke · 16/07/2017 10:39

We have two DC together, a 6yo and 10 month old. Myself and exP got together very young (17) and had DS together fairly young (will be vague as to not out myself). ExP has had many issues with showing affection, commiting to being a family, not financially supporting us when together and behaviours verging on emotionally abusive.

We were on/off as he would withdraw from me, stopped paying the bills, started stealing from me, would start arguments seemingly just for the fun of it and the last straw came when he stole £50 that was a birthday gift for DS from his great aunt. There was no actual reason for the stealing just seems like he has no boundaries. When found out he pretended he was 'borrowing' it.

Anyway fast forward on and he has made himself 'self employed' works odd hours so only sees the DC twice a week with no overnight stays, doesn't pay a penny in support as he says he has no money and CSA cant trace it as its cash in hand and not declared. He does little in the way of emotional support for me and DC and is really more of a friend to DS who plays on the playstation etc. I am the one doing the school runs, packed lunches, dinners, sleepless nights etc. with no one appreciatin the effort yet DS adores his dad and asks everyday when he will see him next and gets upset every bed time and asks if he can come back to live with us and inside I silently rage because he is so useless but DS puts him on a pedestal but I work so hard to support them both alone and go without and I get the 'I hate you's and the frustration and exP just gets all the good times with him.

OP posts:
Tilapia · 16/07/2017 10:45

That sounds so hard, and I agree it's very unfair. You are doing the right thing to hide your resentment from DS though.

Flowers for you OP.

AnneBiscuit · 16/07/2017 12:04

It's rubbish isn't it but he's only young. He'll realise who was there for him when he's older. My 2 boys are teenagers now and we have a lovely strong bond. They still see there dad but now as a friend really. I'm the one that gets their love and the hugs so hold on in there. Flowers

SuperLoveFuzz · 16/07/2017 13:07

He takes out his frustration on you because he knows you love him unconditionally. Try to keep this in mind, it helps me.

DancingLedge · 16/07/2017 13:18

In time, he will see right through fun friend dad who doesn't want to actually be a parent.
And be grateful for your good parenting. And have a brilliant relationship with you.

It's very hard, but hang in there, keep on being a good parent and the reward will come later, and be lifelong.

Can you "reframe" this to yourself: OK, ex is being irresponsible and unsupportive, but at least he's not dangerous , unkind or abusive to DC. It's good for them there's a positive relationship, even if it's teeth grindingly annoying in some ways.

I felt better when I stopped trying to make exdh be anyone other than who he was. Not really my idea of a parent, just someone like a kindly uncle who would take them out to tea or the cinema, but felt no need to let them interfere too much with his life. There again, maybe I should have been tougher?
But don't really see how.

Hope things work out for you.

ClopySow · 16/07/2017 13:25

It's really frustrating and really unfair.

The flip side is that as he gets older, he'll see the truth, you'll have a great relationship and he won't be quite so arsed with his dad.

Trust me, i'm 10 years further on. Everyone told me it would workout this way and i didn't believe them.

I remember my mum telling me that the quicker i let go of the resentment, the easier life would be for me. She was right.

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