To cut contact with DS because of her DC

[aftersomeadvice23]

Always got on really well with dc. I have dd (4 years) and she has dd 10 months younger. We see a lot of each other but recently her dd won't stop hitting my dd. Whatever my dd gets she wants and she will snatch. Yesterday i ended up leaving early as her dd scratched all my dd face. Aibu to tell my dd to hit back. I am sick to death of it. Ds doesn't do a thing but says "how can i stop her". I am seriously considering stopping all contact.

Sorry DS is sister

I have had a word with her and she doesn't seem to say much about it. She says she tries to stop and she can see it happening. Its not just my dd it happens to her dd hits other children and school and mum has been told about this.

I think as your niece is only 3 it would be unfair to cut contact. Relationships never really recover after that and unless there is some massive drip feed a boistress 3 year old isn't worth throwing away a lifelong relationship over.

I had his with DD and her cousin, who are both 4. I told DD she doesn't have to play with her cousin is she isn't being kind, and she could come and sit with me instead. It has all calmed now and they play together well.

Thanks toastyfingers,

I really don't want to cut contact but just not sure what to do. I will try what you suggest

Agree with toasty. And come sit by me, or physically (gently) stopping her dd from reaching yours, are much mich better ideas than telling yours to hit back!! Tell your ds in future you are not going to let her dd hit or scratch yours or take her toys off her.

I would avoid or take them to soft play where there no arguments over stuff

It does pass! But your sister needs to take it more seriously because other moms won't stand for it

What everybody else has said.

When my dc were little, we spent summer holidays with family and it was sometimes very difficult because one sibling favoured his own son to a ridiculous degree. Ds had to put up with not getting to play with any toys, being blamed for everything that went wrong and (on one memorable occasion) not even being allowed into a room when dn took it into his head that he didn't want him. It was utterly stupid, we all thought dn was going to grow up into a monster, and it would have been quite enough to go NC.

BUT....

a few years later, it had all passed. Dn's behaviour had improved, his father had gained a sense of perspective, we went on having our holidays together, ds had lots of fun and the boys grew up to be good friends. Dn is now a teenager and a very, very lovely young man. Ds is very close to that part of his family.

I could have taken all that away from him by overreacting. I am sooo grateful I didn't.

Don't teach your dad to hit back or before long you will be the one getting the calls from school that your dd has hit someone.

Either you or your dsis need to supervise them when visiting and if your dn snatches or hits, or if it even looks like it is going that way, consistently take the toy off her and take your dd away from the situation to do something fun. Dn will soon learn it doesn't get her the results she wants.

Not worth falling out with you dsis, all dc have undesirables phases that you need to work through.

Intervene yourself if your sister won't.
'Stop scratching/hitting/whatever - that's not kind' then remove her or your dd from the situation.

If your sister won't discipline her child, it is your responsibility to protect your child. As others have said, remove your dd from the situation and talk about strategies before your see her dd. If you also need to talk to your niece about being kind to your dd and tell her off, that's also fine imo.

I had this with a friend's son and my dd, although they were a little older, I think maybe 5/6. My dd was a year older than him. He kept hitting her, friend was doing nothing, I got sick of it so I told her next time she could hit him back but to do it harder, she did, he never ever hit her again. Not everyone will agree but as an adult we wouldn't tolerate being hit so I don't see why a child should. So we have a rule than you never ever hit someone first but if they hit you then you can hit them back. Thankfully years later we've never had another hitting incident but it did work that time. It does probably make a difference that mine was older though

Not worth falling out over. As PP said, close supervision is needed by both you and your sis. I would suggest that you talk frankly with your sis about working on the problem together.

Maybe your sister is overwhelmed, so try modelling good parenting. Correct her DC gently 'no, we don't scratch/bite/hit to get things, do we?' remove your child and demonstrate how to 'play nicely' in front of DN. Basically, do what your DS should be doing.

They are very little and I'm sure it will all settle down soon, But it sounds as though your sister doesn't have much confidence in her parenting, almost as if she's afraid to intervene. Maybe you could help her work on that?

Cory - good to read your post! In my family the problem can be thoughtless adults who drag up incidents from years ago to embarrass teenagers. 'Ooh, you were a horrible little girl when you were 3!' is so unfair ten years later!

YWBU to tell her to hit back. That just ends in them fighting and believing issues are solved with violence. They're 3 and 4, it will most likely pass.

In my family the problem can be thoughtless adults who drag up incidents from years ago to embarrass teenagers. 'Ooh, you were a horrible little girl when you were 3!' is so unfair ten years later

Very true, I was a very sick baby who didn't sleep for about 3 years, I'm now in my 30's and it still gets mentioned at every opportunity. When my DD was a baby I was struggling through lack of sleep and confided in my mum, she was almost gleeful that this was penance for how I was as a baby I think she expects an apology or something.

Similarly my 2 brothers were total shits as teenagers. We'd frequently have the police knocking on our door because one had got into trouble, they also stole, took drugs etc.
Fast forward 17 years, both are lovely men who have wonderful children and have kept their noses clean from the age of about 18/19.
Doesn't stop my mum dragging up their teen behaviour though, we recently met my brother's new GF and I felt awful for him as my mother spent the whole evening talking about the time DB stole money or came home high as a kite, and not in a funny way.

Lesson is, channel Elsa and let it go!

I'm torn on the hitting back. I was never allowed to hit back and resented my parents for saying not too. Especially when he got hit back harder by someone at school and it did stop him doing it there.

DD had this in nursery with a boy hitting - always when the teacher wasn't watching - I told her to hit back and he never hit her again!

Is it right? Probably not - but it does stop them in their tracks

I really like the "sit by me" idea.

I'd be tempted to introduce and enforce a logical consequence for your niece's behaviour.

Right DN, you have just hit DD. If you hit her again, we are leaving. And do it. No negotiation. No matter how annoying or PITA it is to leave, you do it because you said you would.

I would tell your sister that after the scratching incident until her daughter behaves she won't be spending time with your daughter.

Buy her 123 magic off amazon, and tell her to read it and sort her child out.

My son scratched my daughters face when he was 2 and she was 4 and she's still has the scar on her face 10 years later.