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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask your worldly advice in how to deal with MIL

16 replies

Foolytoo · 15/07/2017 21:52

Yep another MIL thread. It's not too dramatic just wondering how you keep any issues about them being overbearing or intrusive (?) at bay.
I have lived with her son for 3 years now. My parents live about 40 miles away as does his. She pops through every now and then, I really make an effort I message her about things and generally just chat away.

I am a bit introverted so a visit from her is a big struggle to me but I just grin and bear it.
It was my sisters 21st yesterday and my family all got together for a meal my boyfriend came along ( partly because he got us a discount!) And straight away she starts messaging with snide comments. "I never get to see you" etc etc
This happens every time my family are mentioned she snide comments start. She can visit whenever she likes.
My oh isn't that great about keeping in touch but I do prompt him every now and then, messages a few times a week and visits a few times a month.
The comments really annoy me, she never says anything to me just to him ( and then moans to everyone else and it dwindles down to us from other people )
Because we moved to the closest city, she thinks we've done a huge move , we plan on looking for jobs all over the UK once our studying is done and I think she will get worse if we do. I stay out of it all the time and basically just ignore any issues. ( there's loads of other little stuff shes done which is just starting to add up )
should. I be saying something? I dont like confrontation but I know she'll be visiting soon and I don't want to have to sit through the subtle nags and snide comments.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 15/07/2017 21:59

Why are you managing the relationship? Step away, it's his mum, he can be in touch as much as he wants (or not). Don't prompt him, you aren't his mum, message her when you want to but stop being the main point of contact.

If she's not messaging you with the snide comments then don't worry about it, if she does then just say you're welcome any time and we saw you last Tuesday.

Don't get into a debate about it with others just shrug and say you don't know why she says that as you see her pretty often.

Original poster

Foolytoo · 15/07/2017 22:06

mimisunshine you're right..in the past when I've stepped back and he doesn't contact as much her nagging has got worse but youre right it's not really my problem.
She doesn't message me with snide comments but she will say them when am there and I just ignore the, I'm just so not used to it in my family if there's an issue we will get it out, I feel like I'm always guessing what she is annoyed about.
I'll step back though

OP posts:

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 15/07/2017 22:14

How does she know you were out with your family? Never tell her when you'll be with your lot, it's like baiting a tiger.

Original poster

Foolytoo · 15/07/2017 22:16

ginger I know right! He told her, he also said where and when it was, I was half expecting her to be there!

OP posts:

missiondecision · 15/07/2017 22:19

You are his girlfriend not his PA. let him micro manage his own mother.

InvisableLobstee · 15/07/2017 22:20

Agree with the others, step back and let him sort out his relationship with her. If she starts when you are there find something to do in the kitchen or something. But I would tell him you are happy to see her if she wants to visit or take her for lunch, but let him arrange it all.

Original poster

Foolytoo · 15/07/2017 22:22

mission I know the only reason I feel I have a responsibility is if he doesn't reply ( which he probably wouldn't) she messages me all concerned asking if everything is okay and she hasn't heard back and what's up ( this is sometimes if he hasn't replied within 10 minutes)

OP posts:

WellErrr · 15/07/2017 22:23

Read 'Wifework.'

BenLui · 15/07/2017 22:24

You need to ask him to talk to her.

She shouldn't be messaging you because he hasn't replied for ten minutes.

missiondecision · 15/07/2017 22:30

Be polite,
Never offer anything. Unless you want to.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/07/2017 22:36

BIL is a bit like that. I just say best if he texts dh directly because I will probably forget (true - usually remember when he rings a few days later). If he says that he already has then I tell him I am sure dh will get back to him when he gets a chance. That way I firmly remove myself from the lines of communication. Rinse and repeat. Not your responsibility. If you have a ds would you expect to communicate with him or his wife/ gf?

Hulder · 15/07/2017 22:41

You don't have a responsibility if he doesn't reply. He does - he can decide how quickly he responds to texts, if he picks up the phone and so on.

All you have to do is say 'no idea where he is, you'll have to wait and ask him' or even better, completely ignore. Never offer anything, never tell her anything about your/his plans and whereabouts.

Seriously, read Wifework. He can manage his own relationship with his mother, you don't need to be the facilitator and if she tries to make you, just push her back to him.

user1466690252 · 15/07/2017 22:43

I have this and it causes rows between dh and I because he doesn't reply to them/see them much but I bare the brunt of it. I'm always very nice to her and FiL and when they come over we have a nice time, I just make sure I am never on my own with them as the snide remarks always happen when DH is out of earshot and DH always backs me up if they are said infront of him. I just make sure that mh behaviour is nice when we see them but its up to dh to organise and speak to them to arrange. We don't see them often but that is between them and DH, their relationship is what it is and I am only resposible for my actions when I am with them.

bimbobaggins · 15/07/2017 22:53

Please don't say you are welcome any time! Bad advice. Other than that let your dp be the main point of contact to his own mother

GottaLoveIceCream · 16/07/2017 09:05

I don't know how to advise re MIL texting you as I don't think my MIL has my number after 10 years with her DS. She has never contacted me if she has got it and she's made it clear from our second meeting that she isn't keen on me so I've never contacted her. It's always my DH who arranges meet ups etc.

Other than the contacting you my MIL sounds pretty similar to yours. Snide comments about how he is becoming distant from his family and never sees them. It's untrue, yes we live in my hometown but that's because that's where DH works and him working here is how we met. I would advise you to give up trying to make her like you but give her no reason not to like you, rise above all of the snide comments, it feels pretty good to know that someone can be so mean knowing that you have given them no reason to be. And when she slips up and snide comments happen in ear shot of others I let my self have an inwards smirk that she's not as subtle as she thinks she is. It's worked for me for 10 years

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 16/07/2017 09:11

My mil does this-makes all the PA comments and digs at me, occasionally having a full on rant about how he never sees her. Don't get too involved in their dysfunctional relationship like I did at one point-it's not your problem. Honestly-back off for your own sanity and let them hash it out.

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