I'm 28 and actually have no idea how to communicate

[sociallakwardme]

My method of communication basically revolves around me telling humerous stories in the hope of making people laugh and gaining acceptance and admiration.

I'm glad I'm finally able to see it and hopefully take steps to improve my communication skills.

I had a terrible start to life, left school with no self esteem at all. Used to be a compulsive liar and tell the most horrendous lies. However I am nothing like that now and would never tell a huge lie again.

But even though I've improved massively, I still only know how to communicate by telling stories. People think I'm a great listener as I can stay quiet while someone tells me something but I rarely have any interest in what that person is saying unless they're family or a close friend.

I never know how to communicate. I don't know how to show interest and when I try I often come across as nosey or say the wrong thing which causes offence.

I therefore stick to what I know best. Communicating by telling stories. They're usually true but with some exaggeration and while people do seem to like me and I am always invited to social events etc I largely communicate by telling a story or replying to anything with 'oh yes I understand. I did this once' etc.

I've even been called competitive by someone who thought I was trying to out do them because every time they mentioned something I'd comment on how I'd done the same.

I think this is essentially insecurity. My confidence has improved massively and I've finally qualified in my dream job and once I start I will be less lonely, around people more and finally have a structure to my day. I think working in my dream profession will increase my confidence and help my social skills but I don't want to make the same mistakes I've been making all this time.

I find conversation just doesn't come naturally to me and I just don't know what to say. My old manager said I was a skilled communicator in his reference so maybe I'm a bit harsh on myself but I do think, while I genuinely care about people, other find me warm and open up to me etc. I lack social skills. Anyone else like this? AIBU to think I can change and get better social skills?

I got myself assess for Aspergers syndrome and autism and was told I had neither.

It sounds like you have trouble engaging with people rather than communicating with them. That would explain why your former boss said you were a good communicator. Within a work environment, where there is a clear topic for everyone to concentrate on, you're fine.

Like you (probably), I'm a bit gauche. Where I probably have an advantage on you is that even though people's conversions generally bore me to tears I am able to remember that most people have something interesting about them. A conversation can be more interesting if your purpose is to find out something interesting about the other person. As for not being nosy, I think that's just a matter of trial and error.

Well being aware of the problem is the first step. You seem to be able to articulate yourself online perfectly, btw.

There are numerous resources available to make you communications seem more authentic. Good luck.

I recognise this. I always thought I was forming a bond between myself and the other person by sharing relavent stories about myself to show how much we had in common. Turned out I came across as the competitive "one better" person. Conversations aren't about waiting for the other person to finish so you can tell them about you - which is how I came across.

Realising this was the first big step to remedying it, to be honest. Learning active listening skills has made a massive difference too.

The CBT book my counsellor used with me, would be perfect for you. It's called Overcoming Low Self Esteem and is by Melanie Fennell. I don't know whether all NHS counsellors carrying out CBT for low self esteem and confidence, use it - but it's worth finding out. It helped me an enormous amount but it was better with someone pushing me through the hard bits.
There is a specific example given in the book, of a woman who feels like she needs interesting stories, and how she experiments with not doing this, to see if it's actually necessary. It really is an excellent book. You can get it on audiobook too and the narrator is easy to listen to.

Thanks everyone.

I'm always described as eloquent. I've been described that way by many people.

I don't think I have categorically horrendous communication skills. Just lacking in how to show interest and I don't really have any interest so find it hard to fake.

I always just come out with 'oh yes I did that'. It just makes me look competitive and arrogant!c

Definitely read up on Active Listening - I don't have any particular resources as I did it on a volunteer training course but sure there's websites/books out there. It's improved my personal & work relationships immensely.

But you're not alone! ^^

But why aren't you interested in anything anyone else has to say? Are you interested in addressing that so that your listening is genuine?

Well done for recognising the problem though - many wouldnt!

Do you remember what a person has told you so you can ask about it next time you meet them? I'm sure that's something you can train yourself to do better. Maybe reflect back on conversations you've had each day, reinforcing who said what - that might help you to listen more actively.

It sucks doesn't it. What the f to talk about and how the f to show interest and empathy and open up the conversation to share info about yourself without saying "ooh me too" ? To be honest I wouldn't overthink it, observing female friendship groups they tend to revolve around shared experiences and shared concerns and a lot of the conversations can be summarised as "me too!"

I am in an awkward situation at the minute with someone who I want to be friends with where she told a story in the tone of "oh this was so weird it has never happened to anyone but me" and actually it is rare but happened to me too... being mindful of "ooh me too" syndrome I kept my trap shut and went ooh how unusual but really regret it. There is just no convenient moment to tell her my story and I feel like it will damage the relationship when she finds out - it is not a secret and we have mutual friends! Can't win.

I've given up asking genuine questions of people as it just comes across nosey or judgemental.

Instead I have carefully observed friendly people who have made me feel comfortable/interested in me and copied their style of conversation. I will never be gifted in small talk but at least huge faux pas are now rare rather than daily. Stick to topics of the weather, plans for the weekend, plans for holidays...

Have you taken the Myers Briggs? You can do it free online.

If you are genuinely NOT interested in other people and their lives ( as you indicate) then that is always going to shine through and you'll always feel gauche and insecure around others because they'll know that , bottom line, you don't give a crap.

It's about listening to HEAR ( and understand and empathise and care) and it's NOT about listening to respond

It appears that you listen to respond ( and to get your two pennyworth in) which will always (imo) come across as essentially disinterested and self serving.

I'm interested in some things people say. I'm interested in listening to my family and close friends. But a lot of what people say I find boring.