AIBU to get annoyed at posters who judge and blame?

[supersop60]

I have read so many threads on here where someone is asking forhelp, and they get judged and blamed for the situation they find themselves in. Yes, sometimes people allow situations to develop without even realising it, small steps, poor decisions etc. And yes, AIBU invites the response YABU or YANBU.
It just bugs me when posters reply "you should/shouldn't have" "Why on earth did you/didn't you?" "How could you have let this happen?"
So negative and so unhelpful.

Why is it negative and unhelpful if it's true? Surely the person should be told the truth and not told they are right if they are not? How does lying to them help them? It just encourages them to blame someone else, or behave the same again.

I actually find it annoying when people clearly lie to the op. Someone is behaving or has behaved weird or badly, or whatever and there is always someone who comes on and says, no, it's totally reasonable to behave in that outrageous fashion and yes, clearly you should blame the other party.

Each situation should be based on it's own merit and the truth given. Not just , nah you're brilliant, don't worry, in response to whatever.

It pisses me off when it's a woman in an abusive situation and it becomes a riot of posters being abusive to her for not leaving/reacting as they think she should, swiftly followed by "I'd do this" or "it wouldn't happen to me" or "I'd never put up with it". I find it really unhelpful to kick someone already down.

I don't like it when people are brutal about things that cannot be changed. 'And you chose to have another child with this man ' is just awful and totally unhelpful.

I don't mean they should lie. More of a "well you are in this situation and here's what you could do about it"

Because a lot of those posters appear to be under the illusion that stuff just happens to them. They don't take any accountability for their part in how they got into the situation in the first place.

it gives me the same rage as men who cheat who describe it as an accident. As if they tripped, and fell into a stranger's vagina

not really and upper - that's more what I mean.

Ugh I HATE "well why did you have a child/another child with him then?" As if you're supposed to just regret your kids! Fucks sake, XH was a dick before DS1 was born but he upgraded to defcon level bastardry after.

I think it's compassion fatigue.

It gets a bit wearing after years of reading thread after thread of women having more children with men they know are fucking useless.

In that case Jiggly surely its better to just not comment than for posters to actively attack a woman already at the end of her tether from DV?

I don't think it helps the person at all to not be honest. They need to realise which decisions were poor etc so as not to repeat them.

I think it depends on the topic. Sometimes I read a thread and think FFS the answer is simple i.e. " my house is a mess " - get organised, clean the house every day and keep on top off it like the rest of us do.

We're we talking about DV? I wasn't.

I also think it depends on the situation. Yes saying why did you have another kid isn't usually helpful, but if it's the messy house thing, or I can't stand my kid because they are annoying, then it's different.

I am on the fence. I get what you mean. Especially if its abuse related.

But, on non abuse threads, actually thinking about how you got into the situation you are in, can help fugure the solution AND avoid being in this situation in future. Or a similar one, where learning from past mistakes will help.

Also tbh, when women (and its usually women on here) complain that their husbands are behaving how they always have, i do think 'how has this gone on so long if you arent happy'. Again maybe figuring out why the woman has put up with a partner who wont take responsibility for the kids/housework etc may help figure out how to move forward.

Well, post on t'internet and you open yourself up to all kinds of comments

But is is annoying when you get someone who clearly has a victim mentality where everyone else is responsible for her happiness/whatever the issue is and expects others to magically change her life/issue for her. It's a two-way thing, but point this out and you are in danger of getting flamed yourself 'are you victim blaming the OP?' so it might just balance itself out overall

It's not helpful in certain situations
Telling someone oh just walk out. Or why would you let some dick treat you like that or I wouldn't ever let someone do that to me I have more self respect
It doesn't really help, in fact the person already probably feels useless that they can't be like other strong "normal" people

I have had that in my head without people pointing out my shit decisions
Life is just not that simple

It's distinctly lacking in empathy. Don't post if you can't say something that might actually help rather than making someone beat themselves up further
We have no idea how someone ends up in the victim mentality.

To me, it depends on whether the situation can be changed or not, and whether it is just one manifestation of an ongoing situation that can be changed.

No point, evidently, in telling somebody who is struggling with parenting "well, why did you have a third child?"- they're hardly in a position to put it back!

Otoh, if someone comes on for the third time in a fortnight posting about their arsehole of a new boyfriend, makes perfect sense to say "why didn't you tell him you didn't want to see him again?"

I hate this too. There's currently a thread about a poster who's long-standing friend is in an affair.

The abuse the poster is getting is ridiculous.

I don't know.
There are some posters on here, who have posted for years about what a useless dp they have,how financially stretched they are, how they cannot cope with their dc, the house is a wreck and still they have another baby. It's very hard not to ask what the fuck were they thinking. Or they know their dp has form for being financially abusive, and still they think giving up work and bring a sahm is a good move. It's very hard to help some people without making them go back and think about what possessed them to make those choices.
Otoh, it's true that what is done is done. In cases of abuse it is wholly inappropriate and nasty to victim blame but mostly I think posyera are just trying to get to the root of why a person continuously self sabotages any chance to improve their life.

I know what you mean OP. There are a lot of people who seem to take delight in blaming the OP and criticising their choices, regardless of the topic. Sometimes when posters appear to be really struggling it just seems spiteful. They tend to howl and whine when called on it as well.