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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel on my friends, over talking shop constantly

24 replies

PolkadotShorts28 · 15/07/2017 06:14

I have a group of friends who I trained to teach with. Every half term we meet up for dinner in our local city. They are lovely ladies and I enjoy their company.
However all we ever talk about is teaching. Who has the most stressful pupils or most incompentent head. As we all work in different places the conversation can become disjointed and feel like one upmanship.
We have other things we could talk about. We all know each other's partners, have similar tastes in books and films ect. But no efforts to steer the conversation seems to work.
I have been on maternity leave for 5 months so feel like I will have nothing to contribute to the conversation. It isn't that I want them to talk about my baby, I feel I talk about her enough to my family and mummy friends.
I know the obvious answer is don't go, but on the other hand I don't get to go out for dinners very often anymore and I do enjoy the girls' company. I just wish conversation was a bit more varied.

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 15/07/2017 06:16

What happens when you introduce another topic?

QuiteLikely5 · 15/07/2017 06:25

Get some new friends? This is a very trivial issue and I cannot understand why you can't talk about your new baby or the weather

gumphlumph · 15/07/2017 06:35

I feel your pain OP. I have a friend who's conversation is entirely about her class and colleagues and how she has, or will, solve the problems in her class. It's quite relentless and a bit boring to be honest. I put it down to the job being so completely all-encompassing but I also tend to avoid long periods of time with her. I don't have an answer for you, just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Butterful · 15/07/2017 06:41

Just go and stop being so demanding.

welshweasel · 15/07/2017 06:42

I think it's fairly inevitable when you all do the same job. I find ge same when I go out with a bunch of medics. Usually one of us will soon announce that's enough of shop talk and banish the subject for the rest of the night once everyone has let off steam.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/07/2017 06:44

To be fair that is how you all met. Are you the first one with a child? Once there are a few with children you will probably discuss your own dc more too.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/07/2017 06:45

Probably worth keeping in touch in case you ever need to change schools.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2017 06:48

Go and try to influence the conversation. Ask questions. Take maybe 1/2 pictures of your dd to show them to break the conversation. Think of other topics to discuss. Holidays would be a good one as they're just about to finish for the summer. It would be a shame to miss out on seeing friends.

8DaysAWeek · 15/07/2017 06:54

I meet with my uni friends once a month or so. We are really close and all share common interests but at LEAST 50% of conversations are work related grievances, though usually way more. Sometimes I'm in the mood for it but sometimes not. Generally we are all pretty good at being able to say at the start of the night "can we not talk about work" if one of us is really not feeling it. I'm not long back from maternity leave and did feel like I couldn't contribute much when the work chat inevitably came up but tbh I just chilled for a bit and enjoyed my food I'd still go if I was you and try hard to steer the conversation in a different direction. It might get a little dull at times but hopefully it'll be nice just to get out!

BrieOnAnOatcake · 15/07/2017 06:56

Before I had kids this would always happen with a bunch of teachers.

I still talk to people I meet about teaching of they are teachers.

I'm not sure turning to babytalk would help if you at the only one with a baby.

I'd go as they're your friends and also good networking for the future. Just accept there's a lot of teacher talk and half way through ask lots of questions about other aspects of their lives, holidays etc.

pre kids I had v little else going on as I found teaching all consuming in term time and I was always interested in how others dealt with that!!

HotelEuphoria · 15/07/2017 07:04

I don't think this is usual, I meet up with old work friends every six months, we have a fabulous time. We used to all work together but now are all in different departments or different companies but inevitably our conversations are centred around what a laugh we had when we worked together and how shit our respective jobs are now. With the odd whose left, died, got married catch up in between.

Nessalina · 15/07/2017 07:06

I just knew when I clicked on your post that it was going to be teachers! I think teaching can be quite lonely really, it is just you and the kids a lot of the time and it's nice to find common ground.
I have a couple of friends that inevitably slide in to teacher talk whenever they meet. If there's a group of us then I just entertain myself talking to others, but if it's just the three of us I have to make some big efforts to change the conversation to a new topic, and I have a few ideas queued up for if it slips back!
You'll find now though it's the same with mum friends - the topic always slides back to the kids...

BrieOnAnOatcake · 15/07/2017 07:15

Hotel - it really is quite usual with a group of teachers!!

There's often not much chance to chat to other teachers as at work you're with the kids. I don't think that's entirely the reason but it's really really common.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/07/2017 07:30

Just go and enjoy your friends for who they are.

OccasionalNachos · 15/07/2017 07:37

Agree with Brie - it's due to lack of opportunity to talk at other times!

It is annoying. I really like my work colleagues but am reluctant to go to the pub with them sometimes because the amount of office bitching is ridiculous & it depresses me. I don't want to talk about how irritating Geoff in IT is on a Friday night, I want to have a laugh. I don't like bonding over negativity as I think it can turn to bitterness.

It might be different for you this time OP as you haven't been at work - hopefully they recognise this. Be assertive, change the conversational direction!

thekillers · 15/07/2017 07:51

They have stressful job and they want to talk about it. It is helpful to their wellbeing.

erinaceus · 15/07/2017 07:55

My friend who is a teacher calls this "Teacher talk", as in when she meets other teachers it is easy to slip into teacher talk.

One thing you could try to do is just bring into everyone else's awareness that you are conscious that talking about teaching all of the time is what is happening, and see what happens. You could explain directly that you feel as if you have nothing to contribute, and are feeling out of it. Your friends probably are not aware of how you are feeling. Hang in there - it sounds as if you like these people. Do you plan to return to teaching in the future? If so it is worth not losing these friends as you might want to check in with them if you go back to teaching and need to catch up on the inevitable changes.

Standard change of topic topics: The weather. Holidays. Pets. TV shows or movies. Politics. Food. Clothes. Haircuts. Jokes.

FittonTower · 15/07/2017 07:56

I see my teacher friends separately where possible because of this. I'm sure they need to vent and everything but it's very very dull for me as a non-teacher. They're still good friends and we have a lovely time if I keep them separate but together I'm a spare part. They have their "isn't teaching shit/wonderful/wonderfullyshit nights and I leave them too it.

CherylVole · 15/07/2017 07:56

teachers always do this
its like no other profession

ElspethFlashman · 15/07/2017 08:00

I would go. It's normal in stressful professions. I'm a nurse and we end up talking shop too - who else really understands? People don't get it.

That said, I always try to introduce new topics, even if it's just bloody Love Island. But someone inevitably starts talking about a patient who was watching it too.

If you want to keep them, recognise that the dynamic is partly about letting off work steam, and accept it.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 15/07/2017 08:07

Oh I really feel for you OP, I am the only non teacher in a family of teachers and I feel like I may as well not be there at family gatherings sometimes - are you worried that you won't be able to join in the conversation now you're on maternity leave?

BoggledMind · 15/07/2017 08:34

This is such a teacher thing and it annoys me too. I've been teaching for around ten years now but I rarely talk about my job outside of working hours for various reasons but mainly because it's so encompassing when I'm there that I don't want to think about it when I'm not there. Plus my dh and I don't tend to talk about work very often unless we're having major issues at work and are looking for advice. Unfortunately everybody who surrounds me is also a teacher so it means that everybody tries to talk teaching with me. My sil is particularly bad for this- her whole existence is teaching and she would talk day and night about it if she could. My mum retired from teaching last year and all she talks to me about are her gripes about her last few years of teaching. My heart sinks every time teaching comes up because I really don't want to talk about it and I know I'm looking at a good hour or so of nothing but teacher talk.

With my teaching friends we start off talking about work but then I will say something along the lines of that being enough teacher talk, what's going on in your life at the moment/how's the new house coming along/are you going away this year etc etc and it does help to limit the teacher talk.

I think the problem is that teaching isn't just a job, it's a whole lifestyle (as in it can dominate your time both in and out of school) so this contributes to the never-ending teacher talk. Plus there are so many issues within the system that people working within it feel the need to sound off a lot. However, I've found that limiting the amount of teacher talk actually stops me from feeling so stressed out by the system/schools/headteachers. When you're all chatting together you tend to get riled up and more angry at certain things.

You have my sympathies, OP.

SunnyCoco · 15/07/2017 11:14

Yeh this really annoys me about teachers!

I'm not a teacher but a LOT of my friends are and it's like it's all they can talk about. Other friends have stressful job too (doctors, project managers, lawyers, etc) but the teachers always have to get one up on their job being so much harder than anyone else's.
Sometimes you want to discuss other topics! Arghhhh

deffonamechange · 15/07/2017 20:46

I am so glad to find this thread. My best gf are teachers...seperately they are wonderful company. Together i have to sit through hours of teacher talk. I am not a teacher. Sometimes i come away feeling like i have been to a teacher conference but a lecture where i have had to sit and listen and look interested. Sometimes i want to say..you lot meet at 12pm and do your teacher talk and i will come at 2pm and we can talk about other stuff.
I love them but oh god the teacher talk...

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