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AIBU or is my DM being an arse?

10 replies

CandyTiger · 14/07/2017 20:50

Long time lurker. First post.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that my DM should be interested in my happiness / mental welfare and stop undermining my self esteem with bitchy remarks?

OP posts:

NellieFiveBellies · 14/07/2017 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 14/07/2017 20:55

You can't do anything about what they say to you only how you react to it. My Mum makes hideous personal comments to me like she breathes air, she doesn't mean it I don't think she just says what she thinks. When I was about 25 I said to her that it really upset me and she said "I'm sorry I just see you as an extension on myself" She was always hard on herself so it clicked that - WHAT MY MOTHER THINKS OF ME HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FACT OR HOW OTHERS SEE ME, ITS A REFLECTION ON HER. I repeat this as a mantra and am now 35 and her comments roll off me. I have come to learn she is just like that, she can't help it. As for not caring about your happiness - thats just shit.


DollyPartonsBeard · 14/07/2017 20:59

I posted about a similar thing recently; my folks mostly pretend that I don't live with serious mental illness, although I have been told I'm 'psychologising myself' and lazy/ inadequate/ attention seeking.

You are - of course - NBU and would be totally within your rights to ask her to stop or withdraw/reduce contact if she carries on. And I'd also like to offer you some sympathy/ empathy, because it's absolutely shit when parents can't be kind or compassionate or supportive at a time when you're probably feeling rubbish enough as it is.


OneMillionScovilles · 14/07/2017 21:03

OP can you give us a little more detail? It's obviously not ok that she makes you feel this way - maybe we can help you with scripts beyond the classic "did you mean to be so rude" etc.?


CandyTiger · 14/07/2017 21:09

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

TheUpsideDown · 14/07/2017 21:09

Could you elaborate a little more OP?

But of course YANBU
I have a mother who does the same. Has done since.... since I can remember!

People told me she was jealous of me. I didn't believe them. I mean how could a mother be jealous of her own child?!

I've come to realise they are right. Since I finally 'saw the light' I take whatever she says with a pinch of salt. She doesn't like herself so she attacks me to make herself feel better. I refuse to let her bring me down any more. It's all water off a ducks back now.... as well as distancing myself from her. Both mentally and physically.


CandyTiger · 14/07/2017 21:22

I live with her (economic reasons) and mostly this is fine and we get on alright, but she makes me feel that I am the most boring tedious person ever. For context, I am the oldest of 3 and only one left at home.

I have had a rough few years: serious illness (recovered) return to uni', depression (recovered), new job, lost job, employment tribunal (won), problems with DWP, depression (now getting sorted).

My DM just does not want to listen when I really need to talk. I have a job interview in a few weeks. She did not even ask what the job was. She is just is not interested in the detail of my life. If I receive any compliment from anyone else, she is quick to disparage it as if she wants to take it away. I have lost confidence in my looks, abilities and prospects. Her remarks make that worse.

OP posts:

CandyTiger · 14/07/2017 21:29

@theupside, I think the jealousy angle is quite pertinent actually. It has occurred to me but I would never suggest it to her as she cannot accept criticism. She takes umbrage.

She has a thing about me 'getting ideas above my station' and 'trying to be something I am not' WTF?

OP posts:

DollyPartonsBeard · 14/07/2017 21:54

I do feel for you, and can see lots of parallels with my own situation, although I don't live with my DM (and moved two hours away because my DPs were very controlling under the guise of being 'helpful'). There's a lot of back story but their emotional unavailability to me (since early childhood) left me with zero self esteem, no idea how to meet my own needs or make my own decisions, and a fierce 'Inner critic ' who does their job for them even though contact now is minimal. I have a dx of Bipolar but it's recently become clear I'm living with complex ptsd as well, as a result of the childhood emotional neglect and trauma, and an ongoing dysfunctional relationship ever since. I'm about to start therapy and starting to read around the subject, and what I'm picking up from the reading I'm doing is that I'm going to have to learn to parent myself in order to heal and develop my sense of self. You might find Pete Walker's website useful


TheUpsideDown · 15/07/2017 12:52

I think moving out and getting your own place would be helpful for you OP. It's not good to be living under the same roof as someone who makes you feel like this. It's holding you back from so many things

Could you financially support yourself if you found a home of your own?

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