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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DB being an arse?

18 replies

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 19:51

Sorry, this is long. Short version - DB has been smoking in our shared accommodation and is lying about it.

Long version - Myself, DP, our 3yo and my DB all live together. Property is privately rented. We've been here 5 years and despite all adults being smokers, we've never smoked inside the house. It's against our tenancy agreement, and obviously I don't want my son living in a smokey home. (I know about 3rd hand smoke and we do take measures to try and minimise this).

Anyway, we've recently gone away for a few days leaving DB to his own devices. When we got home we found cigarette ash in the sink (in downstairs toilet). I sent DB a message with photo attached saying 'This is not ok'. He messaged back apologising saying it must have been after he'd been out for a few drinks and rushed in to use the loo with a fag on the go. Still annoyed me a bit, but thought 'hey, these things happen.. I guess!?' Although not when we're home, that I know of Hmm

Next, I notice that a few things on the living room window sill had been knocked over. A little weird. As I'm tidying up I notice cigarette ash on the window sill, some of it on something that belongs to my 3yo. Further investigation, I find over 30 cigarette butts on the ground directly outside the living room window leading me to believe he'd been smoking in the living room as well.

Once I'd calmed down enough, I messaged him: There's also cigarette ash residue on the living room windowsill (back one) including on 3yos belongings and I've just swept up about 30 butts from directly outside the window. I don't really know what to say... did you have some sort of mental breakdown while we were away?! 😑

His reply: No I stood outside there and watched tv through the open window so any "residue" would have been through that.

I wanted to believe that, but there were also marks on the net curtain as though a cigarette had brushed against it in a few places and the marks are on the inside. Also, if he really was outside he would have used the ashtray which we keep out of reach from the 3yo. He would have had to walk past where the ashtray is kept to get back into the house!

I sent back: I'm not as stupid as I look.
His reply: ok whatever

I haven't replied since. When I went upstairs it smelled of stale cigarettes. Then I did something which probably lost me the moral high ground. I went in to DB's room to look for evidence. Cigarette ash on the window sill, empty cans used as ashtrays, cigarette ash in the bin, cigarette butts in the bin. No denying that he has been smoking in there.

So as not to drip feed, there have been a few other issues recently with the living situation. He owes us rent money, he regularly helps himself to our food which we would not mind him having if he asked, or even acknowledged taking it. He lives like a slob, dirty crockery and rubbish all over his room... lots of little things which all add up and this feels like the last straw. We suspect he's been smoking in his room for a while, if not the whole time. We used to find fag butts outside his bedroom window, and every so often I get a whiff of cigarettes, but honestly his room smells so bad that it's hard to tell what exactly you're smelling.. I always put it down to my mind playing tricks on me. I never thought he would be so disrespectful.

AIBU to be angry and upset about this. I think the fact he seems quite happy to lie and make me out to be an idiot has made me feel even worse about it all.

WIBU to go in his room? I feel like he would have just found some lame excuse as to where the smell was coming from if I'd asked him why it smelled of cigarettes upstairs.

We're away again today so won't see him for a few days. I don't know where to go from here. Do I tell him what I found in his room?

Would it be an over reaction to tell DB we can no longer live together. We would all have to move as we couldn't afford to stay where we are without his contribution. I would obviously give DB plenty of notice so he's in a better position to look for somewhere of his own. I feel guilty as the reason we all moved in together was that he was struggling with bills when he lived alone Sad

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 14/07/2017 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamPasty · 14/07/2017 20:03

Fuck that, he's putting your child at risk. I would say time not to live together anymore

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 20:03

I'm not looking forward to seeing him. If we could afford it I'd just move in to the hotel we're currently staying in Grin
I hate confrontation! Ugh...

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Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 20:11

jam that is what's upset me the most! Sad
DB and I have always had a good relationship, so the fact he's shown so little thought to my child just because he couldn't be arsed to go outside literally makes me feel sick.

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Fruitcorner123 · 14/07/2017 20:13

I think he needs to be told he is moving out. It will be hard though. I suppose you could give him a final chance to pay the rent and stick to the smoking rules but would you trust him? I would get your DP on board and confront him together when you next see him.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2017 20:18

You also have to move op. So I think you need to discuss this with your partner. Moving isn't cheap or easy so you can't just make the decision to move your family without discussing it with your partner. By telling your brother to leave you're making the decision to move your family and that's something I think needs to be discussed.

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 20:28

Fruit I think trust is the main issue. He hasn't admitted that he's done it yet and he's a stubborn git, so probably won't.
Bluntness my partner and I have discussed it and that's the conclusion we came to together. Sorry, I should have included that in the OP Blush We couldn't afford to move straight away but feel the discussion should happen sooner rather than later, so that DB can prepare himself financially too

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JamPasty · 14/07/2017 20:28

Hugs. He's been really thoughtless, although I doubt he meant any harm (but still move out)

SwissChristmasMuseum · 14/07/2017 20:33

He's an adult, I presume - he needs to be treated like one and he needs to behave like one. Sounds as if he should live somewhere where he can live as he likes (without being controlled or checked up on), and where he doesn't want to stick to rules which benefit the people he lives with. You do make him sound like a wayward teenage son of yours and that isn't good.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2017 20:38

Your brother needs to go. Time for him to stand on his own two feet.

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 20:45

swiss I'm not sure how I've been controlling Hmm I did check up on him in a sense by looking in his room, which I already acknowledged probably wasn't my finest hour. But it did give me proof that I'm not wrong about him smoking in the house. We all agreed to the rule when we moved in 5yrs ago, as per the tenancy agreement. He does act like a teenager at times, but I certainly don't treat him like one.

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Riverdale32 · 14/07/2017 20:51

Perhaps explain the smoking is putting you all in breech of your tenancy agreement - could that be the kick up the backside he needs to stop doing it. If you had a tenancy check and they saw evidence of smoking in the property it could really put you in a bad situation. If he has money to smoke he should have money to buy his own food. I think a chat might be needed.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 14/07/2017 21:01

Well, I suppose it's more an issue for the landlord if he's a tenant with the same status as you but he's your brother so that makes it more difficult on both sides.

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 21:05

Thanks River He needs to admit that he's done it first. I still haven't told him that I found his makeshift ashtrays in his room. I think he's hoping I've accepted his 'explanations' of the things I've already asked him about.
Him eating our food only annoys me in the sense that he never acknowledges that he's had it. If he asked, I'd say yes anyway! We only have separate food as that's what he said he'd prefer when we were discussing living arrangements, before we'd even moved.

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Riverdale32 · 14/07/2017 21:16

It's such a tricky one. You don't want to break trust with your brother by confessing you have been in his room but equally the implications of what he is doing could effect all of you. It's a difficult situation isn't it.

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 21:25

It really is bloody difficult Sad
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment. I feel like it has helped just to vent a bit.

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Riverdale32 · 14/07/2017 21:28

Hope it all sorts itself out.

Motherofatruck · 14/07/2017 21:49

Thank you!

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