AIBU to feel like this?

[Geofax]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, but new poster. I've made an account just to share this problem as I don't know where to turn to.

We've just had some work done to the house, and as part of the work needed an electrician. I have a very good friend whose wife (friend is also a woman) is just such a qualified person so they came round last week to do the work.

Just the other day DH's father came round to drop something off and it came out in conversation that the kind person who did it so happened to be a homosexual. FIL went on to say how he didn't agree with gay people, how if he were in charge he would stop gay marriage and take all the kids adopted by gay couples back into care. I was horrified, and told FIL so. I told him that you can't restrict a person's rights because of something they are born with and can't claim control.

He said he agreed with that but disagreed that people are born gay. He said it "isn't natural" and "just like any illness it can be prevented and treated." I asked if he supported conversion therapy. He didn't know what it was but when I explained it he said he thought it was a good idea.

Now I was aghast at this. Not only is do I have a few gay friends but I am also the only one in the family to know that DS1 is also gay.

When I told DH he said he thinks that his father is "entitled to an opinion that thousands of people across the country would agree with and [I] can't say he's wrong"

AIBU to think that the FIL's views cross the line from opinion to bigatory and that he is in the wrong? Or am I letting my emotions surrounding my loved ones cloud my judgement?

I really don't know what to do from here?

Of course you can say he's wrong and of course he is still entitled to his opinion.

All you need to do, is tell him to keep his opinion to himself when he's in your home.

Of course he's in the wrong and it's going to be a very uncomfortable time when your son tells everyone. What a dickhead

What a dick.
Also - are you saying your son is gay bt your husband doesn't know it yet? Shit. That sounds like it'll be a horrible conversation when it happens

I'm not sure why you need to do anything, he's a dick and that's about all you need to know.

I personally would take a step back from the level of relationship you have now. . No way should you have him as a close relative when ds is your main concern.
When /if your ds decides to disclose his personal life if will be easier for him if fil isn't around to judge.

My ds is also gay and it will likely stay a secret until his df (exh) dies. .

Sorry his grandson is gay or his son??

Given the close nature of the relationship there I would be apoplectic with rage about his comments! And I would not hesitate to tell him to get out of my home.

I wouldn't give any of my time to someone with such a horrendous view, especially when it is my own son they are talking about, even unknowingly.
If/when your son decides he is comfortable and ready to be open about his sexuality, it's going to be one almighty slap in the face of grandad who doesn't believe it's "natural" and he would deny your son the right to love, marry and have children. He will either treat your son like something he's stepped in and vilify your parenting ability, or suddenly back track. What a vile, vile man, he would never be welcome in my home and i hope your husband is mightily ashamed of himself when he finds out about your childs sexuality that he has ever supported your father having this opinion rather than condemning it.

Sorry;

Yes to clarify my eldest son (the man's grandson) is gay but I am the only one in the family to know.

I don't really want to do anything; I guess I was just seeking clarification that I was right to be so angry.

Jeez! Shame on him and when your son decides to come out I hope he changes his views.

How old is Grandad? his comments come from another century and were bigoted and narrow minded then. Hopefully his love for his grandson will help him overcome his homophobia. It's your husband's views I'd be worried about.

I don't really think you need clarification that you're right to feel angry.

Lots of people's opinions make me angry and no doubt some of mine will anger them too. It's the way of the world.

The most important thing is that you make it clear he's not welcome to voice those opinions in your home.

Your son will make his own opinions about his grandad when he realises what his views are. Also, your son will come to realise his grandad is sadly not alone in his views, if he doesn't realise already.

My uncle is very much the same and yet 2 out of his 3 sons are gay.

Somehow they've managed to live with not discussing his views and are really quite close to him, although they were much closer to their mum when she was alive, as she was very supportive of them.

YANBU - I would ask him to keep his opinions to himself when around you.

I've recently had my mum share posts on Facebook about the EDL (I don't think she understood what she was sharing in all honesty. And had DSM email round a racist email. I've asked them both to stop as it's offensive.

I'd be more worried about your DH than your FIL if I were you.

Surrounded as he is by a bunch of bigots I'm not surprised your DS is reluctant to come out, but how long is his sexuality going to remain a secret?

What happens if he meets someone he wants to set up home with or marry? What if he wants to adopt a child? Or are you expecting him to creep around and hide in the corner for the rest of your FIL and DH's life. Sounds like the 1950s are alive and well in your poor DS's life.

Your husband doesn't know his son is gay? Why is that please?

I think I'd be more concerned about that and your husbands attitude to your father in laws. Especially as you say your husband basically agreed with him.

I'd be more worried about your DH than your FIL if I were you.

Me too. Does your DH share FIL views?

I doubt the dh does but I don't think it's hugely important if he does or doesn't.

Maybe not hugely important to you islandsandshores but I would suggest that it is important to OPs DS1

I agree that your FIL's opinion regarding gay people is just sad and pathetic, but I also believe we are all entitled to our opinions, even when those opinions are based on ignorance. You won't ever change him, so don't bother trying. While you can't change his opinion, you can set rules as for what you will listen to in your own home, so if he starts up in your home again, send him home where he's free to be as ridiculous as he wants.

That depends Aqua.

People can surprise you. My dad was pretty homophobic tbh but liked my gay friends ... because they were my friends.

Islands - I agree people can surprise you but OPs FIL was talking about stripping gay people of one of their human rights (right to marry) and that being gay is an illness.
If DH thinks the same thing as FIL what might he possibly say to their DS when his sexuality is revealed?

OP - of course this could be a wild assumption on my part and your DH may not share FIL views at all.

A lot of people are anti gay marriage.

Op, your fil is horrid in his opinion, but the bigger issue you have is your dh!! Did you suspect he felt that way, is that the reason you're the only one who knows your ds1 is gay? God I hope your ds doesn't know of his opinion.

Yes, by far the bigger issue is your DH.

Unsurprising that your DS has only told you.